Do You Want to Enjoy Military Life and Retirement…? Remember the 7 P’s

You must have two aims in life:

1. To get what you want (your “goal”)
2. Once you get what you want – to enjoy what you have got.

Many youngsters have an aim to join the Armed Forces (Army, Navy, Air Force).

But once they join the Military – do they enjoy life in uniform…?

Here are some tips on how to enjoy life in the Military – and beyond – after retirement.

The 7 P’s of Military Life and Retirement

PROLOGUE

FOR BUSY EYES ONLY

Many years ago – when I was a young Officer in the Navy – I was asked to conduct a detailed “Technical Study” and submit a report with my recommendations.

I went about the task with full enthusiasm and sincerity and produced a 100 page report.

“What the hell is this…?” shouted the Commodore in Headquarters to whom I submitted the report.

“The Technical Study Report, Sir…” I mumbled.

“Do you think anyone is going to read all that stuff…? People are busy out here…” the Commodore said, “You condense your report.”

“Sir, I have written a summary…” I said – and I showed him the summary at the beginning of the report.

“Three bloody pages…? I told you that people are busy around here. Do you think anyone has the time to read 3 pages…? Just condense the bloody thing into one paragraph and put it right on top. Just tell us what you want us to do – your recommendations – that’s all. Do you understand…?” the Commodore bellowed.

“Aye, Aye, Sir…” I said.

“Give the heading “FOR BUSY EYES ONLY” – and type your recommendations in a bold large font – and – insert it right on top – as the first page – and use pink paper…” the Commodore said.

“Pink Paper…?” I said, dumbfounded.

“Yes – everyone will notice it easily – and – they will not waste their time. I told you that people are busy around here…” he said, “just go to my PA – my staff will help you out.”

One hour later – I resubmitted my report – with the pink insert “FOR BUSY EYES ONLY” listing just 7 recommendations.

The Commodore read the pink page.

He looked at me and said: “Well Done.”

Then – with a flash of his pen – he approved the report.

Then – he threw the report in his “OUT TRAY” – for necessary action.

The Commodore then invited me for a glass of beer – as a reward for a job well done.

Now – Dear Reader – I know you are very busy – so – as taught by the Commodore – I am going to give you the gist of my self-help article in 7 points (FOR BUSY EYES ONLY)

ARE THINKING OF JOINING THE DEFENCE SERVICES…?

OR –  ARE YOU THINKING OF MARRYING A DEFENCE OFFICER…? 

THEN – DON’T WORRY ABOUT THESE 7 P’s: 

1. PAY 
2. PROMOTION 
3. POSTING 
4. POWER 
5. PELF 
6. PATRONAGE 
7. PENSION

That – in a nutshell – was for “Busy Eyes”.

But – if you have the inclination and the time to delve a bit more – do read on…

GUIDE FOR DEFENCE SERVICES OFFICERS (PROSPECTIVE MILITARY WIVES) AND MILITARY VETERANS

The 7 P’s of Military Life and Retirement
Musings of a Navy Veteran
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE 

If a military aspirant asks me: “How much Pay do you get in the Armed Forces…?” – I advise him not to join the Defence Services – since the Military is not a place for “money-minded” individuals who would be better off in other “money-making” professions.

The same applies to prospective Military Wives too – if you are “money-minded” type – it is best to avoid marrying a military man.

Apart from money – there are other aspects too – which I have mentioned in this article.

Sometime ago – I met an anxious Army Officer worried about his career prospects.

The Officer was a Sapper from the Corps of Engineers.

He was worried about his promotion prospects in view of a recently introduced “Command Exit Model” Promotion Policy (as he described it).

In fact – during their careers – the factor that causes tremendous anxiety to most Defence Officers is “Promotion” to the Next Rank – since – in the Armed Forces – Rank means everything.

Military Veterans are worried about One-Rank-One-Pension (OROP) – and – even after the notification – there is dissatisfaction – and the OROP agitation continues.

A few years ago – the 7th Central Pay Commission (7 CPC) Recommendations were announced – and in the 7 CPC recommendations too – many “Faujis” feel that the Defence Services have been given a raw deal as compared to the Civil Services.

The latest demoralising issue is denial of Non-Functional Upgradation (NFU) to Defence Services.

(NFU has been given to most Civil Services but not to Defence Services…)

There are frequent reports of litigation by Armed Forces Personnel and Veterans in Tribunals and Courts – mostly regarding promotion and money issues.

In general – a perception is developing that “Faujis” and Veterans are getting a “Raw Deal” – and – this is creating negative vibes about the Defence Services.

This prompts me to delve into my “Self Help” Archives – and pull out this article I wrote many years ago.

I feel is this article is still most relevant for Military Officers and Veterans – especially in the present circumstances.

Do read these tips if you are an aspirant “Fauji” (Military Officer).

And – if you are prospective “Faujan” (Military Wife) – if you are thinking of marrying a “Fauji” – these tips may help you too.

Of course – I feel that these self-help tips may be useful for those still serving in the military – and for retired veterans too.

HOW TO ENJOY YOUR MILITARY CAREER and RETIREMENT AS A MILITARY VETERAN

The 7 P’s of Military Life – Self Help for “Faujis” “Faujans” and Veterans by Vikram Karve

On page 58 of his war memoir “Himalayan Blunder”  (The Curtain Raiser to the Sino-Indian War of 1962) Brigadier John Parashuram Dalvi narrates an amusing story.

This anecdote pertains to the ill-fated “forward policy” which happened in NEFA (Arunachal Pradesh) sometime in 1960.

Indian Army Troops were being hastily rushed up into the Himalayan Mountains towards the China Border without any administrative or logistic arrangements.

A Commanding Officer of an Infantry Battalion – a Lieutenant Colonel famous for his pungent wit and sense of humour – he got so fed up with the absence of any sort of supply system – that he decided to use some heavy sarcasm and act in a facetious manner.

He is reported to have sent one of his monthly routine reports on a chapati (a flat unleavened Indian Bread).

This caused some consternation in the Rear Head Quarters and the officer was asked to forward his “explanation”.

In reply – the Commanding Officer sent the now classic retort:

“I regret the unorthodox nature of my stationery – but atta (wheat flour) is the only commodity available for fighting, for feeding and for futile correspondence…” 

I remember someone once telling us that the commanding officer who sent this hilarious reply was none other than General Eric Vas [Lt Gen EA Vas (15 May 1923-18 Aug 2009)].

If my memory serves me right – I think it was the very same General Eric Vas who – in one of his pep talk speeches to young officers of all the 3 Defence Services at IAT Pune many years ago – advised us:

If you want to enjoy life in the military you should not bother about 3 things:

1. PAY

2. PROMOTION

3. POSTING

(He called them the 3 P’s)

I think this dictum of not bothering about the 3 P’s applies across the board – to all careers – including those in the private sector.

This truism certainly applies to the defence services – and maybe the civil services as well.

Part 1

TO ENJOY MILITARY LIFE DO NOT BOTHER ABOUT THE 3 P’s – PAY, PROMOTION, POSTING

PAY

Many of us focus too much on money and perks – Pay or salary or compensation “package” or CTC – call it what you like.

For the sake of simplicity – we shall include all salaries/perks/benefits etc – the entire compensation “package” – in the term “PAY”.

Nowadays – most elite educational institutions boast of the high salary packages their students are offered in campus placement interviews and it seems that pay is the primary consideration for selecting a job.

In my time too – I found many of my colleagues “comparing” their Pay with others and getting disheartened and disillusioned.

Even now – after announcement of 7 CPC Recommendations – Defence Services are comparing their Pay with the Civil Services and feeling unhappy.

Now –  many “Faujis” are feeling disappointed that Non-Functional Upgradation (NFU) is not been given to Defence Services on par with Civil Services.

Comparing your pay with others is a sure shot formula to feel miserable – because it is a natural tendency to compare with someone who is better-off than you.

If you want to feel “unhappy and frustrated” – all you have to do is to live a “comparative and competitive” life.

So – if you want to be happy in the Defence Services – do not worry about your “Pay”.

PROMOTION

Are you an ambitious careerist who is indulges in an all-out no-holds-barred competition for PROMOTION…?

Ambition is like Ringworm.

The more you scratch – the more you enjoy the sensation – but the ringworm increases too.

Every officer wants to get promoted.

But – if you are cutthroat ambitious type – and getting promoted is the “be-all and end-all” of your life – you may go higher up in the ladder – but your life will be stressful – and you may not be able to enjoy the everyday joys which Military Life has to offer.

And one day – due to steep hierarchical pyramid in the defence services – you are likely to be passed over for promotion and superseded.

If you are overambitious type – supersession may make you bitter and frustrated – and you may even waste your time fighting the system – which will make you even more bitter.

I have seen so many officers – some quite senior – who retire with anger, resentment and bitterness – because they were not promoted to high rank.

In the defence services – it is a fact of life that career progress is slow – and your chances of promotion to higher ranks is quite slim.

In a liberalized democracy – defence services can never match the industry – or even the civil services – in compensation packages and career prospects.

And this gap is only going to increase with more and more liberalization and globalization and with increasing civilian supremacy.

You must accept the fact – that in the Defence Services – you will have Modest Career Prospects and Moderate Pay.

That is the truth.

And – you must accept this truth.

If you want faster promotions, better career prospects and more pay – it is better for you to go and join some other profession.

But – if you are in the Army, Navy or Air Force – it is best not to be excessively obsessed about promotion.

If you get promoted – well and good.

If you do not get promoted – also well and good.

Be happy and enjoy the unique inimitable unmatched lifestyle the defence services have to offer.

POSTING

In the Army and Air Force they call it POSTING – in the Navy they call it TRANSFER – but  frequent relocation is an inescapable part of a career in the defence forces.

Everyone gets posted or transferred quite frequently – and – to different places and a variety of appointments.

A sure-shot way of becoming miserable – is to compare your POSTING with your more fortunate colleagues in uniform.

By “Posting” – I mean not only the geographical location – but also the type of appointment and designation of your post.

3 P’s – PAY, PROMOTION and POSTING

In the Armed Forces – if you are worried about the 3 P’s – it is a guaranteed formula to make you frustrated and stressed out at work.

And – if you want to enjoy your work and career – you know what to do:

Just do not bother about the 3 P’s

Yes – be a happy-go-lucky “fauji” – and just don’t bother about your PAY, PROMOTION and POSTING – and you will remain cheerful and happy.

It is a fact that – if you live a non-comparative and non-competitive life – you are sure to be happy and content.

Part 2

RETIREMENT – SELF HELP GUIDE FOR MILITARY VETERANS

The 3 P’s of Retirement

Okay – so you didn’t bother about the 3 P’s (PAY, PROMOTION, POSTING) – and you enjoyed your service life.

But one day – you will retire – and then you will have 3 more P’s which you should not worry about.

Yes – if you want to enjoy your retired life don’t bother about these 3 P’s:

1. POWER

2. PELF

3. PATRONAGE

POWER

When you retire – you lose your “position power”.

The higher your rank – the greater the loss of power. 

Many take it in their stride and enjoy their retirement – but some individuals who get addicted to power refuse to let go – and cannot cope with the loss of power – and keep hankering after power and status even after retirement – and – in the process – they make their lives miserable.

Maybe – this need for “power” is the main reason why some people never retire – and they want to keep working and holding on to power till their death.

And – it is “patronage” that gets you those plum post-retirement assignments.

PATRONAGE 

Yes – Patronage can help you get sops after retirement.

That is why you see so many senior officers behaving in a most obsequious manner in the last years of their service – toadying and fawning before politicians and bureaucrats – to cultivate powerful people and gain their patronage – in order to get one of those sought-after post-retirement jobs.

Many say that even Service Chiefs fall victim to the “patronage syndrome” in order to get good post-retirement appointments – and they seem to be looking after their own interests rather than service interests – and – some even indulge in unethical acts to please their political patrons.

This not only damages their reputations but also adversely affects their subordinates and tarnishes the name of the defence services.

PELF

Another reason why individuals cannot enjoy their retirement and want to keep on working interminably after retirement is “PELF”.

These greedy money-minded individuals are never content with their savings and pension – and they want to keep on acquiring wealth till their death (though they know that they cannot take their wealth with them to heaven or hell after their death).

“In extremis” – such pelf-oriented persons may even be ready to take up dubious wheeler-dealer jobs with euphemistic titles like “consultants” or “advisors” – which sometimes may prove “ethically counter-productive” – and ruin their reputations forever – and also tarnish the image of the service.

Retirement is Bliss – if you can forget about the 3 P’s (Power, Pelf and Patronage).

In conclusion – I would like to say that your life – especially in the defence services – boils down to 6 P’s.

Yes – in the Defence Services – if you want to enjoy life during service and after retirement – remember – do not be bothered about the 6 P’s.

DO NOT WORRY ABOUT the 6 P’s:

3 P’s while in Service (PAY, PROMOTION, POSTING)

3 P’s after Retirement (POWER, PELF, PATRONAGE)

EPILOGUE

THE 7th “P” – PENSION

I wrote this article many years ago – much before I had heard the term OROP (One Rank One Pension).

At present – the biggest issue disturbing the peace of mind of retired military veterans is OROP – which is related to Pension.

OROP is worrying serving personnel too – especially the “No OROP for PMR” Rule.

That is why I am tempted to add a 7^th “P” which you should not worry about:

“PENSION”

So – to put it in a nutshell – if you are want to enjoy life in the Defence Services – or are thinking of a career in the Armed Forces – do remember the 7 P’s you should not bother about too much.

Do Not Worry about the 7 P’s: 

PAY, PROMOTION, POSTING, POWER, PELF, PATRONAGE and PENSION 

So – before you embark on a life in uniform in the Armed Forces – or marry a Military Officer – remember the 7 P’s that you should not be bothered about:

1. PAY 
2. PROMOTION 
3. POSTING 
4. POWER 
5. PELF 
6. PATRONAGE 
7. PENSION 

Dear Fellow Officer (Serving and Retired):

Try it – stop worrying about these 7 P’s – and see for yourself how you can enjoy life.

It works – you can take my word for it.

Do you agree…?

Oh – you don’t…?

Please comment and tell us your views.

As always – I look forward to your feedback.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This is a fictional spoof, satire, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. These tips are based on my own experience and represent my personal views which may not be universal in nature and may not apply to you. You must make your own career decisions with due diligence. Also, do read this post with a sense of humor.
3. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/are-you-thinking-of-joining-defence.html

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

This is a revised version of my article written by me Vikram Karve in 2010 and posted online on my blogs earlier at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/01/how-to-enjoy-your-career-3-ps.html   and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/10/the-6-ps-how-to-enjoy-life.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/11/how-to-enjoy-military-life.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/06/navy-for-life-and-beyond-how-to-enjoy.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/humor-in-uniform-guide-for-military.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/11/defence-services-how-to-enjoy-your.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/06/07/military-life-and-retirement-the-7-ps/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/09/05/how-to-enjoy-life-in-the-military-and-beyond-after-retirement-the-7-ps-of-military-life-and-retirement/  etc

Navy Customs and Traditions – “Show a Leg”

“SHOW A LEG” 

Navy Customs and Traditions By Vikram Karve 

WAKE UP CALL 

If you were a sailor on a sailing ship in the British Royal Navy around 300 years ago in the 1700’s (and later – in the 1800’s) – early in the morning – you would be woken up from your sleep by the sound of the shrill Bosun’s Pipe followed by the Navy “Wake Up Call”:

“Heave Out – Heave Out – Heave Out – Away…!!!

Come On – All You Sleepers – Hey…!!!

Show a Leg and Put a Stocking on it…”

You would in deep sleep in your hammock covered from head to toe under a blanket.

On hearing the “Wake Up Call” – you would have to stick your leg out from under the blanket for the Bosun’s Mate to see.

If the leg you showed was hairless, smooth, soft and fleshy – revealing that you were a woman – the Bosun’s Mate would leave you alone and let you sleep.

But – if the leg you showed was hairy and muscular with tattoos – indicating that you were a man – then – you would be given a hard “shake up” – and – you would be asked to “shake a leg” – “put a stocking on it” (wear your working dress uniform) – and hurry up to join the morning work routine of the ship.

WOMEN ON SHIPS

Yes – those days – in the 1700’s and 1800’s – women were allowed on ships.

No – women did not serve as crew on ships.

But – women were carried on board ships as “passengers”.

And since – on warships – there was no separate accommodation for women – women would be accommodated in Officers’ Wardrooms or Sailors’ Messes – depending on their “status”.

Those days – ships were the only medium of transportation from Britain to distant colonies of the British Empire – so – many women took passage on sailing ships (passenger steamships came much later).

Most of these women “passengers” on sailing ships were wives/daughters of British Civil/Military Officials and Traders who had settled down in distant British colonies – and – also “Fishing Fleet” Girls who were travelling to India and other Colonies to find a suitable husband from the British Colonial Civil/Military Officers serving there.

(There is a fascinating “journal” written by Eliza Bunt, widow of British Boatswain (Bosun) John Bunt of Trincomalee Naval Dockyard (Ceylon – now Sri Lanka), describing her sea journey from the Port of Trincomalee (Ceylon) to Spithead, the Naval Anchorage of Portsmouth Harbour (England), on Royal Navy Ship HMS Trincomalee – the journey home took more than 6 months (from October 27, 1818 to April 3, 1819) via the Cape of Good Hope with 4 stops enroute at Port Louis, Simons Bay, St Helena and Azores for replenishing stores and embarking/disembarking people)

Women were permitted on ships for other reasons too.

During the days of Impressment or Press Gangs – when men were taken forcibly from the streets and “pressed” into service – shore leave was impossible – lest the men desert ship and run away.

So – as recompense – women were sometimes allowed to visit – and – it is said that – at Spithead – the Naval Anchorage off Portsmouth – as many as 500 women might be entertained aboard one ship.

Naturally – after the night-long “orgy” – in the mornings – when work was begun – there existed some confusion as to who was sleeping in which bunks.

So – the Petty Officers’ way of sorting this out was to shout: “Show a Leg”

Those with soft and curvy legs (women) could stay where they were – but – those with hairy legs (men) were kicked out of bed and told to get on with work…!!!

(Of course – the lucky “metrosexual” men with soft smooth legs could manage an extra wink of sleep…!!!) 

Also – before 1840 – when the rules were fairly lax – sailors were sometimes permitted to take their wife or girlfriend along with them during sailing on the high seas on long voyages.

As a result of allowing wives/girlfriends to accompany sailor on ships at sea – sometimes – the women would get pregnant and children would be born on board ships during long sea voyages.

When she was due for delivery – the pregnant woman would be placed on the gun deck near the cannons.

When she started having contractions – the crew would fire the cannons to make her push to have the baby.

When the baby was born – the baby was called a “son of a gun” (a gender neutral term) 

As per another version – the Naval Slang “son of a gun” refers to a child of questionable parentage conceived by women during extramarital sex on board ship.

The most popular place for such clandestine sexual encounters was the gun deck (which was deserted at night and located away from the mess quarters) – hence the epithet “son of a gun” for a child born out of such scandalous sex. 

Also – during impressment/recruitment – if a sailor did not know the name of his father – the recruit’s father’s name was recorded as “A Gun” – so – such a sailor of uncertain or unknown parentage was called “son of a gun”.

Now – coming back to the sea routine on board ships – sailors were expected to report for duty early in the morning.

However – the wives and girlfriends were allowed to sleep on in their hammocks in the quarters down below.

In order to ensure that a lazy sailor was not sleeping downstairs – an Officer, Midshipman or Petty Officer went down below decks to check the sailors’ mess quarters.

Whenever the Officer came across someone sleeping – and he wasn’t really sure if it was a man or a woman under the covers – he would shout “show a leg”.

The person under the blanket had to stick out his or her leg.

If the leg that emerged looked like that of a woman’s – she was allowed to sleep.

But – if the leg looked like that of a man’s – the Officer would shout “shake a leg” – meaning – the man was asked to get out of bed and report for duty.

So originally – when someone asked you to “show a leg” – all you had to do was to show him your leg.

Around 1840 – regulations in the Navy were changed – and – women were no longer permitted to accompany men on sailing ships.

But – the expressions “show a leg” and “shake a leg” continued to be used as “wake up” call and “report for work” call respectively – and – as time went on – these Naval idioms became a part of everyday Navy jargon as well.

SHOW A LEG

Now – the Indian Navy is contemplating having Women Sailors on board ships.

Will the Women Sailors be given a “Gender Privilege” of sleeping a bit extra in the mornings by “showing their legs”…?

Or – like their male counterparts – will women sailors be asked to “shake a leg” and get going to work…?

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Disclaimer:
1. This story is a spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story is a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.
Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved) 

Link to my source post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2018/11/navy-customs-and-traditions-part-2-show.html

Also posted in my Writing Blog at url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/11/16/show-a-leg-shake-a-leg/

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Do you know that there is a “Bombay” in New Zealand…?

Around Two and Half Years Ago – on 30 October 2016 to be precise – during our visit to New Zealand – while travelling from Auckland to Rotorua – we passed via a town called “Bombay”.

Yes – believe it or not – there is a place called “Bombay” in New Zealand.

Here is a blog post I wrote after my visit…

BOMBAY in New Zealand

Travel Tales By Vikram Karve 

I am sure you knew that there was a “Bombay” in India.

(I have used the past tense “was” because – around 24 years ago – in 1995 – “Bombay” was renamed to its vernacular indigenous name “Mumbai”– and now – the erstwhile Bombay is officially called Mumbai)

But – Dear Reader – Did you know that there is a town called BOMBAY in New Zealand…?

I did – yes – I did know that a place called Bombay existed in New Zealand.

In fact – on my previous visit to New Zealand – I did see a place called “Bombay” on the map – located South of Auckland.

But – this time – we passed through “Bombay” – on our way to the fascinating Waitomo Glowworm Caves and awesome Geothermal Region of Rotorua.

Initially – I thought – that like many towns in New Zealand – this town was probably named Bombay because people from Bombay (India) had migrated and settled down there during one of the “immigration schemes” in the 19^th Century (especially in the 1860’s) – wherein – subjects of the erstwhile “British Empire” were given incentives to migrate and settle down in New Zealand.

In assuming this – I was wrong – since – the “Bombay” in New Zealand is named after a ship.

The settlement of “Bombay” was directly named after the merchant navy sailing ship “Bombay” which brought volunteer migrants from England to be settled down in this area under the Waikato immigration scheme.

This area, 29 miles south of Auckland, where “Bombay” is now located was originally called Williamson’s Clearing.

Now there is the town of Bombay and the Bombay Hills nearby – both named after the immigrant ship “Bombay”.

The ship “Bombay” itself was named after the Indian city of Bombay (now Mumbai) – which was then a part of the British Empire.

The sail ship “Bombay” was a 937 ton “Clipper Ship” (a fast sailing ship with narrow hull and large sails to enable higher speeds).

The Clipper Ship “Bombay” (which could carry up to 400 passengers depending on the cargo) made a total of 4 voyages transporting volunteer migrants from England to New Zealand from 1862 to 1866.

It seems that most settlers in the town named “Bombay” arrived on the 2^nd voyage in 1863 – and – many others may have come in the remaining voyages – including the hazardous 3^rd voyage – when the ship “Bombay” sailed from London to Auckland on 26 November 1864 – and – arrived in Auckland on 18 March 1865 – after a perilous voyage of 112 days beleaguered by adverse winds, extremely heavy seas, and narrow escapes from certain disaster – and – in the final leg of her long journey – the ship’s sails were damaged by a terrible storm as she was approaching New Zealand – and – the ship “Bombay” had to be towed into Auckland by a warship.

Thus – the “Bombay” in New Zealand is named after the immigrant ship which brought its first settlers from England in the 1860’s – and – the hills nearby were accordingly called “Bombay Hills”.

It seems that there are other places in New Zealand named after ships – for example – Coromandel takes its name from “HMS Coromandel” – which sailed into Coromandel Harbour around 1820 –and – the Chatham Islands from the ship “Chatham” which visited in 1791. Also – it seems that some ports, islands and even streets have been named after ships.

Here is a picture of the Immigrant Ship “Bombay”

(Picture courtesy Keith Blayney from his article “The Voyages of the ship Bombay to New Zealand” on his website url:  http://www.keithblayney.com/Blayney/Bombay.html )

This 937 ton clipper ship “Bombay” made four voyages carrying immigrants from England to New Zealand. The town Bombay, in the south of Auckland, is named after this vessel.

So – Dear Reader – now you know that we have a “Bombay” in New Zealand.

But – do you know that there are two more places with the same names in both India and New Zealand…?

If you have been to the Nilgiris in South India – you will know that there are two small towns located adjacent to each other – Coonoor and Wellington (where the famous Defence Services Staff College aka DSSC is located).

Do you know that – in New Zealand – there is a “Coonoor”…?

(Of course – I am sure you know that there is a “Wellington” in New Zealand).

So – apart from BOMBAY – both India and New Zealand have two places with the same names – WELLINGTON and COONOOR

Wellington (the Capital of New Zealand) is named in honour of Arthur Wellesley the 1^stDuke of Wellington (and maybe – so is the “Wellington” in India which was established by the British as a Cantonment in 1905).

But – the “Coonoor” in New Zealand is named after the original Coonoor in India.

References and Further Reading:

‘BOMBAY HILLS’, from An Encyclopaedia of New Zealand, edited by A. H. McLintock, originally published in 1966.

Te Ara – the Encyclopedia of New Zealand, updated 22-Apr-09

URL: http://www.TeAra.govt.nz/en/1966/bombay-hills 

Bombay Hills (from Wikipedia): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bombay_Hills 

How Bombay Derived its Name (Extract from Bombay School Centenary Booklet): http://www.bombay.school.nz/158/pages/21-how-bombay-derived-its-name 

Jock Phillips, ‘History of immigration’, Te Ara – the Encyclopedia of New Zealand,http://www.TeAra.govt.nz/en/history-of-immigration  (accessed 24 November 2016) 

Malcolm McKinnon, ‘Place names’, Te Ara – the Encyclopedia of New Zealand,http://www.TeAra.govt.nz/en/place-names  (accessed 24 November 2016) 

The voyages of the ship “Bombay” to New Zealand: http://www.keithblayney.com/Blayney/Bombay.html 

List of New Zealand place name etymologies (From Wikipedia): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_New_Zealand_place_name_etymologies

And now – after this piece on “BOMBAY in New Zealand” – I will post a few more travel tales and stories my visits to New Zealand – and – I hope you will enjoy reading them.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/11/bombay-in-new-zealand-travel-tales.html

This article also posted in my writing blog at url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/10/30/new-zealand-travel-memories-bombay/

The “Jolie Laide” Woman

Story of a Man – a Woman – and a Mysterious Night

DON’T YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT…?

A Love Story By Vikram Karve 

“What are you doing here…?” the man says to the woman standing above him.

“This is my house…” the woman says.

“Oh My God…!!! How did I get here…?” the man exclaims.

“Don’t you remember…?” the woman says.

The man recognizes the woman – his wife has nicknamed the woman “Plain Jane” – because – that’s how she looks – “PLAIN”.

He has seen the “middle-aged” woman many times during his walks on the walking track – and – on a number of occasions in the shopping complex of his residential township.

Like it happens in large “gated community” townships – he knows that the woman lives in the same residential complex – but – he does not know where exactly she lives – nor does he know her name.

In the “highfalutin” residential society where the man lives – one does not talk to “strangers” – and – even with neighbours – it is a “hail fellow well met” type of relationship – and sometimes – even a polite smile of greeting is met with a stern glare or a grim frown.

So – all he knows about the woman is that she lives in the same residential complex.

Then man is in a confused state – lying in a strange bed – all covered up with blankets – he feels terrible – his head aches – his vision is hazy – and his tongue feels dry.

The excruciating effects of the “excesses” of the previous night have still not subsided – and – the man has a terrible hangover.

“How did I get here…?” the man asks the woman.

“Don’t you remember…?” she says.

“No – I don’t remember anything…” the man says.

“Well – I was watching TV – and I heard some noise at the entrance door – so – I opened the door – and I saw that you were trying open the door with your key…”

“Oh My God…”

“Well – you were in quite a “good” mood – in “high” spirits – so – I let you in…”

“Oh My God…!!! Was I drunk…?”

“Well – you were certainly feeling pretty “nice”…”

“But – how did I come here – to your house…?”

“Don’t you remember…?”

“No – I don’t remember anything…”

“But surely – you must remember something about last night…”

“All I remember is – that – in the evening – I dropped my wife at the airport – then – I drove down to my club for a couple of drinks and dinner – and – the last thing I remember is that I was drinking in the club bar…”

“Oh – you must have had a “blackout”…”

“Blackout…?”

“Yes – “alcoholic blackout” – temporary amnesia – that’s why you don’t remember what you did…”

“But – how did I come here – to your house…?”

“Where do you live…?”

“In “XXX” Township – C Building – on the 9^th Floor – Apartment “C 901”…”

“At least you have come to right building – this is Apartment No. “C 601” – exactly three floors below your apartment…”

“Oh…”

“You must have pressed the wrong button – or – the lift may have stopped on this floor – and you got out and walked straight towards what you thought is your apartment…”

“I am very sorry – please don’t report me for trespassing. I will be in big trouble…”

“Why should I report you…? And – don’t be sorry – in fact – I am so happy you came here…”

“How can you be happy…? I barged into your house in a drunken state…”

“Yes – you were pretty “high”…”

“I was drunk – I must have been terrible. I am sorry if I behaved rudely…”

“Rudely…? Not at all…!!! On the contrary – you were so loving and affectionate…”

“Loving…? Affectionate…?”

“Yes – you were very amusing – we really had a lot of fun…”

“Fun…?”

“Oh yes – you were so charming – it was a wonderful night – we really had a “good time”…”

“Good time…?”

“Yes – I really had a “good time” with you. I feel so lonely – living all alone – the nights are especially miserable – but last night was wonderful – all because of you…”

“Because of me…?”

“Yes – we had a marvelous time together – it was a most memorable night – those “intimate” moments we had together – I will cherish forever…”

“Intimate moments…?”

“Don’t you remember – all the things you said to me – you did to me…?”

“What did I do to you…?”

“You were so romantic – so passionate. Don’t you remember…?”

“Romantic…!!! Passionate…?”

“The way you kissed me – no one has ever kissed me like that before – in fact – no one has ever kissed me before – it was my first kiss…”

“Oh My God…!!! I kissed you…?”

“Don’t you remember…?”

“No…”

“But – I will always remember…” the woman says lovingly.

Inside his head – the man’s brain begins to spin – like a vortex.

He does not remember anything.

He thinks to himself:

“Is it really possible – that he kissed this “Plain Jane” – this most ordinary looking woman…?”

The man looks at the woman – she looks so unappealing – so uninviting.

How could he have kissed her…?

Maybe – in his drunken state last night – she looked “jolie laide” – and he saw something attractive in her ugliness –  a mysterious appeal – which beguiled him into kissing her.

He looks around.

There is no one else around – so – it seems that this “middle-aged” woman lives alone – all by herself.

Maybe she is a “spinster” – living a lonesome and forlorn life – and her loneliness is making her imagination run wild with erotic thoughts.

The man looks at the woman.

She is looking at him – straight into his eyes – she has a hungry look.

The man feels uneasy in her presence – he wants to get out of this place fast – and go home.

His head is still dizzy due to his terrible hangover – and he is feeling a bit giddy.

The man tries to get up from under the blanket.

Butsuddenly – he realizes that – he is naked under the blanket.

Yes – he is stark naked beneath the blanket.

In a panic-stricken voice – the man asks the woman:

“Where are my clothes…?”

“Your clothes are in the washing machine…” the woman says, “but don’t worry – they are almost done – and – I will have all your clothes dried up quickly in the drier…”

“But – who took off my clothes…” the man says, in panic.

The woman looks lovingly at the man – and she says to him:

“Don’t you remember…? Don’t you remember what happened last night…?”

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved) 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/10/dont-you-remember.html

This story also posted earlier in this blog at url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/08/31/dont-you-remember-what-happened-last-night/        and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/10/04/it-happened-one-night/

Guilty Conscience – How to cope with a “Guilty Conscience”

Do You Have a “Guilty Conscience” about something or someone…? 

Why live with a “Guilty Conscience” that emotionally nags you from inside…? 

Isn’t it better to live with a “Clear Conscience”…? 

Why don’t you get rid of your “Guilty Conscience” so that you can live with a “Clear Conscience”…? 

Here are some tips on How to Deal with “Guilty Conscience”…

GUILTY CONSCIENCE

Self Help Tips By Vikram Karve 

How to Deal with Guilty Conscience

“Guilty Conscience” is the opposite of “Resentment”.

“Resentment” – is a “sense of bitterness” – because of “perceived injustice”.

You experience “resentment” against persons – if you feel that they have done “injustice” to you.

“Guilty Conscience” – is a feeling of remorse experienced by you – if you feel that – you have done “injustice” to someone.

Let me try to illustrate by a simple example.

Suppose a married man has an “extra-marital affair” – a “one-night stand” – with a female colleague in his office.

The cheater husband is caught red-handed by his wife.

The wife will feel “resentment” towards the husband for cheating on her.

The husband may have a “guilty conscience” for cheating his wife.

If you feel wronged by someone – you feel a sense of “resentment”.

If you feel that you have wronged someone – you have a “guilty conscience”.

In a nutshell:

If someone does a wrong to you – you feel a sense of “resentment”.

but

If you do a wrong to someone – you experience a feeling of “guilty conscience”. 

Both “resentment” and “guilty conscience” are attributable to your “perception” – and so – they exist in your mind’s eye – in your imagination.

In generic terms – both “resentment” and “guilty-conscience” can be directed against any entity – animate and inanimate.

For example – you can feel resentment or have a guilty conscience towards an organization – like – the organization where you work – or the institution where you study – or the “government” – or – you may feel resentment or guilty conscience towards a “group” or “system”.

However – to keep it simple – I will discuss “guilty conscience” in the context of personal relationships.

GUILTY CONSCIENCE

Both “resentment” and “guilty conscience” are detrimental to your “inner peace”.

Living with “resentment” can make you bitter.

Similarly – living with a “guilty conscience” can affect your emotional health.

(I have discussed  “How to Cope with Resentment”  in the preceding blog post. 

Now – I will discuss “How to Cope with Guilty Conscience”)

HOW TO DEAL WITH GUILTY CONSIENCE

In most cases – you may have a “guilty conscience” towards someone if you feel that you have done some “injustice” to him/her in the past – or – if you are doing some wrong to that person in the present – or – in rare cases – you may feel a “guilty conscience” because you are going to do some “injustice” to a person in the future.

“FUTURISTIC” GUILTY CONSCIENCE

In the 3^rd case – if your “guilty conscience” is due to some perceived “wrong” you are going to commit in the future – you have two options:

OPTION 1

You can introspect – and – you can try to “rationalize” and “justify” your course of action.

For example – you can “convince” yourself that it is a part of your “duty” – or – the action is for the “greater good”.

As I said earlier – the “guilt” exists is in your mind – and – if you can “alleviate” your “guilt” – this will act as a “salve” to assuage your “guilty conscience”.

OPTION 2

If you cannot “rationalize” your futuristic action to yourself – the best option is to reconsider your course of action – so that you can avoid doing the “wrong” which you know is going to give you a “guilty conscience”.

Let is discuss some “illustrative examples”.

At Work:

As a Human Resource (HR) Executive – suppose you are asked to make “false promises” to new recruits about career prospects during the placement process – or give “false assurances” to employees regarding their demands during negotiations – you can try and “rationalize” your actions to yourself – that you are doing this to “save your own job” – or – for the “greater good” of the organization and society.

In Personal Life:

During Pre-Matrimonial “Dating” – you “hype” yourself – you hide “facts” from your prospective wife/husband – you conceal your “peccadillos” and “frailties” – you do all this just to “impress” your matrimonial “date” and persuade them into marriage.

Can you “rationalize” the pretense on the pretext that you are doing all this just to achieve your “goal” of getting married to the person…?

Or – as a parent of a groom/bride – will you “justify” a bit of “mendacity” – by “rationalizing” to yourself – that you are doing it for the “greater good” of your family…?

If you are able to “rationalize” your “wrong” actions to yourself – well and good – otherwise –you will suffer from a “guilty conscience” – in which case – it is better to avoid these actions.

Politicians are experts in “rationalizing” their “wrongs”

Maybe – that is why – politicians develop a “thick skin” – and they never suffer from a “guilty conscience”.

“PRESENT” GUILTY CONSCIENCE

In the 2^nd case – where you feel that your present actions – something you are doing right now – this is going to cause “injustice” to someone – you can stop and correct your actions.

If you have seen the movie Dr. Zhivago  – you may remember the scene where Yuri (Dr. Zhivago) and Lara (the Nurse) are together for the last time – and are going to go back to their respective homes since the war is over.

While serving in the army on the battlefront during wartime – Dr. Yuri Zhivago (who is married) falls in love with Lara (a political activist’s wife) who helps Dr. Zhivago as his nurse.

Both Yuri and Lara are married – but soon – their intimacy at work develops into deep love – and – on their last night together – they feel immense attraction towards each other.

Yuri cannot control his passion – and he wants to make love to Lara.

Even Lara feels immense attraction towards Yuri – but she controls herself on the spur of the moment.

Yuri wants to make love to Lara – but – Lara stops Yuri. 

Lara says to Yuri:

“Let us not do anything that we will be ashamed of later in life. Let us not do anything that we will have to lie about…”

And – they control their emotions. 

(I don’t remember the exact dialogue – but – the gist of the dialogue is that Lara tells Yuri that they must not “cross the line” and do something that will give them a “guilty conscience” later)

So – in the present moment – if an “alarm bell” rings in your mind that your actions may lead to a “guilty conscience” – it is best to stop immediately and correct yourself.

If it is not possible to stop – at least pause for a moment and “rationalize” your present actions to yourself – so that your conscience becomes clear.

In the illustrative example about the married man having a “guilty conscience” about his “extra-marital affair” (that he had cheated on his wife) – suppose he (and his female colleague lover) had paused and thought like Lara (in Dr. Zhivago) before going ahead with their “one-night stand” – he could have avoided the adulterous affair and consequent “guilty conscience” .

Alternatively – he could have “rationalized” his action by “convincing” himself with “cogent reasoning” that it was “justified” for him to have an “extra-marital affair” – since it was just a “one-night stand” with a female colleague in his office. 

This “rationalizing” would have helped him mitigate his “guilty conscience” .

Trying to “rationalize” your “wrong” actions may put you in an “ethical dilemma”

If you can resolve your “ethical dilemma” by “situational ethics” – it is fine – otherwise – this may cause you internal stress.

So – if you cannot convince yourself that your actions are justified – it is best to avoid actions which give you qualms of conscience.

But – if you have to do something that you feel causes “injustice” to someone – try to “rationalize” – so that you don’t have a “guilty conscience”.

Let me give you an illustrative example.

I recently met an “NRI” classmate – he had migrated to the US more than 42 years ago for higher studies – and he had permanently settled down in USA – and he had acquired American Citizenship.

He said that his middle-class parents had “sacrificed” a lot – trying to give him the best of education.

He told me that he had tried to convince his parents to relocate to America to live with him – but his parents had preferred to stay on in their home in India.

After the death of his father – his mother lived alone in their home.

However – she had developed dementia – due to which she could not live alone.

It was not possible for my classmate to take his mother to the US – because of her state of health and due to her advanced age.

So – my classmate had come from the US to shift his mother into an “old age home” with assisted living facility.

His mother was most unhappy to leave her own home – and she did not want to go to the old age home.

However – my classmate had no choice but to admit his mother into to old age home.

He was feeling very guilty about it – and he said to me:

“My mother looked after me so lovingly – and now – I have put her in an old age home where she is miserable…”

“There is no use having a “guilty conscience”…” I said to him.

“What do you mean…? How can I not have a “guilty conscience”…?” he said to me.

“Can you take your mother with you to America…?” I asked him.

“No…” he said, “her “Green Card” expired long back since she stopped visiting me in America after she crossed 80 due to her health…”

“So – you can’t take your old mother to America. Then – can you relocate back here and come back to India to look after your mother…?” I asked him.

“How is that possible…? My family is there – and – I am still “working”. I also have my businesses to run and investments to look after in America. Also – in the US – you don’t permanently “retire” in your 60’s and sit at home doing nothing – like you can do over here in India…” he said.

“You can’t take your mother with you to the US. You can’t relocate to India to look after her. So – the only option you have is to put your mother in the old age home…?”

“Yes…” he said.

“Then – what are you feeling “guilty” about…? Why do you have a “guilty conscience” – when there is nothing you can do about it…” I said.

Yes – Dear Reader – that is the truth.

Why have a “guilty conscience” about something about which you can do nothing…?

What is the point of having a “guilty conscience” about things beyond your control…?

There is no point in having a “guilty conscience” about reality.

Also – think twice before destabilizing your organized life and disturbing your equilibrium by taking disorganizing actions just to assuage your “guilty conscience”.

Instead of wallowing in mental misery due to “guilty conscience” – sometimes – it is better to be “hard-hearted” and “insensitive” (like “thick-skinned” politicians) – to get rid of your “guilty conscience” – and put the matter out of your mind.

The “out of sight” = “out of mind” dictum may be effective in mitigating “guilty conscience” in some cases.

Dear Reader – each person is different – some are more sensitive than others – and – you have to find what works best for you – rationalizing – forgetting ­ and moving on.

Sometimes – it is best to perform your actions – good or bad – and never think of them again – what is done is done.

Yes – today – “what is done is done” – will soon become a thing of the “past”.

“PAST” GUILTY CONSCIENCE

You may feel that you have “wronged” someone in the past – you realize that you have done “injustice” to that person – you regret your past actions – and this feeling of remorse creates a “guilty conscience” inside you.

In order to exorcise your “guilty conscience” for past deeds – the best thing to do – if possible – is to correct the “wrong” – but – if that is not possible – the next best thing is to do – is to own up your “mistake” to the “wronged” person and apologize to them.

Well – if the “wronged” person has so much “resentment” against you that he doesn’t accept your apology – you have no choice but to forget about it and move on.

In cases where there is nothing you can do about it – there is no need to keep having a “guilty conscience” about your past deeds.

HAVE A “CLEAR” CONSCIENCE

A “guilty conscience” causes “emotional disharmony” and “internal stress” – and disturbs your “internal peace”.

If you want to live a harmonious stress-free life – it is best to have a “clear conscience”.

A clear conscience will give you inner peace, good health and sound sleep.

There is a Russian Saying:

“A Clear Conscience is the Softest Pillow…”

Dear Reader: 

If you want to be in harmony with yourself – never live with a “guilty conscience”.

Either – you can try to “rationalize” your “wrong” actions – and – you can “clear” your conscience.

But – if you cannot “rationalize” – it is best to avoid those actions that give you a “guilty conscience”.

Do you agree…? 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. These are my personal views. They may or may not work for everyone. Please exercise your own due diligence in your life.
2. It is easy to preach, but difficult to practice what you preach. I try my best to practice what I preach (and preach what I practice) to the extent feasible.
3. All stories in this blog area work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved) 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/10/how-to-deal-with-guilty-conscience.html

© vikram karve., all rights reserved 

Also posted earlier in my writing blog at urls:  https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/01/22/how-to-cope-with-a-guilty-conscience/and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/10/02/guilty-conscience/

Resentment – How to cope if you can’t “Forgive and Forget”

Resentment (a sense of bitterness) occurs because of “perceived injustice” in the past.

Since resentment has its origins in past events – and – you cannot change the past – the only way to deal with resentment is in the present – here and now. 

The most popular advice is to “forgive and forget”.

But – this is easier said than done. 

IS IT EASY TO “FORGIVE AND FORGET”…?

Self Help Musings By Vikram Karve 

HOW TO COPE WITH RESENTMENT 

Resentment means “bitter indignation” due to unjust, unfair or deceitful treatment.

Resentment (a sense of bitterness) occurs because of “perceived injustice” in the past.

Humans are sensitive emotional entities – so – for most of us – in many cases– perceptions matter more than facts.

Resentment is a bitter emotion that has its origins in the past.

The word “resentment” derives from two Latin words:

“re” (meaning “back”) + “sentire” (meaning “to feel”)

Thus – resentment is a feeling due to something that has happened in the past (going “back” in time).

Resentment develops because of your non-acceptance of something that has already happened in your past life.

Resentment comprises “emotional rehashing” – an attempt to “wipe out” the “perceived injustice” that has already happened – but – such attempts to eradicate the “wrongs” from your past life – they do not work – because – you are attempting to do the impossible – you cannot change your past.

Since the event which is causing resentment has already happened in the past – it cannot be undone – so – the “root cause” for resentment cannot be corrected – what has happened has happened – and – you cannot do anything about it.

Resentment is a way of consoling yourself that you have been wronged and unfairly treated – and – as a “victim of injustice” – you are “morally superior” to the person who has “wronged” you.

Resentment causes “self-pity” – and – you begin to picture yourself as a wronged person – a “victim” – who was destined to be unhappy.

Resentment can become an “emotional habit” – and – you may habitually start feeling that you are a continual “victim of injustice” – and – you will picture yourself as a “victimized person” who has been “wronged” in life.

Once you infected by the virus of resentment – in your daily life – you will begin to “search” for “injustices” – to feed your resentment even more.

I have observed that – resentful persons feel “good” only when they are miserable.

Resentment affects your “self-image” and “self-esteem”.

As long as you harbour resentment – it will be difficult for you to picture yourself as a self-confident happy person.

As I said – resentment has its origins in past events – and – you cannot change the past – the only way to deal with resentment is in the present – here and now.

In most cases – your resentment may be towards the person who has caused you the “injustice”.

In such cases – the most popular advice is to “forgive and forget”.

But – this is easier said than done.

Certain things/persons can be forgiven – and – these will not cause you resentment.

But – certain things/persons cannot be forgiven – and – these will cause you resentment.

It varies from person to person – and – those things that you cannot forgive – those “unforgivable” wrongs/injustices – they will cause resentment in you.

Yes – it is these “unforgivable” wrongs/injustices which create resentment in you.

Resentment means that you cannot “forgive and forget” that particular “unjust” thing or the person who has “wronged” you.

But – you can try and mitigate your resentment.

One practical way of mitigating resentment is to identify the “anchors” which cause you resentment – and then – avoiding those resentment-causing “anchors” (stimulus) – by distancing them from your life.

For example – if your resentment is due to a certain person who has “wronged” you – or has caused you “injustice” – you will feel resentful every time you see that person (though you may “fake” emotions of “forced geniality” for the sake of social graces).

If a certain person is responsible for your resentment – and – if that person is around you all the time – your resentment will worsen.

In such cases – if possible – it is best to remove that person from your life – or – distance yourself from the person responsible for your resentment.

The  “out of sight” = “out of mind”  dictum does work – and – once you are in a new environment – far away from the source of your resentment – you will experience that your resentment will dissipate.

In some cases – your resentment may be associated with an organization or place – so – the best solution is to quit the organization or relocate from that place.

Introspect – and – identify the entity that is causing you resentment – and then – try to distance yourself from that “toxic” entity.

Let me give you some hypothetical examples – apocryphal stories:

A man and a woman had an extramarital affair – they were both married to someone else.

There were two “victims” of the adulterous relationship – the respective spouses of the “perpetrators” of the adultery – the “cuckolded” husband of the unfaithful wife – and – the deceived wife of the unfaithful husband.

The deceived wife decided to “forgive and forget”.

She continued to live with her “unfaithful” husband – and – she continued with her married life – as if nothing had happened

The cuckolded husband could not “forgive” his unfaithful wife for her betrayal of “sacrosanct” marital trust.

He divorced his disloyal “adulterous” wife – and – he decided to “move on” in life.

Believing in the  “out of sight” = “out of mind”  dictum – he asked for a transfer – he physically relocated to a new place – then – took up a new job and migrated overseas to begin a new life abroad.

He broke contact with his ex-wife – and – he focused on enjoying his new life – and – his positive forward-looking attitude helped him mitigate the resentment caused by the sordid episode.

He delinked the “anchors” linked to his resentment.

He had overcome his resentment and there was no bitterness in him.

He had got over the sordid episode and he was happy with his new life.

Now – let us see what happened to the deceived wife of the adulterous husband.

Though outwardly – she had “forgiven” her unfaithful husband – in her heart – she still harboured great resentment against her husband for betraying her and having an extramarital affair.

When she came to know that her husband was involved in an extramarital affair – she was devastated by his infidelity – and – she wanted to divorce him.

However – her own parents/in-laws/family/relatives put great pressure on her to “reconcile” with her husband – her unfaithful husband begged forgiveness – and – everyone asked her to “forgive and forget” – and – to continue her marriage.

Though outwardly – it seemed that she had “forgiven and forgotten” – in her heart – she was still resentful of her husband for his act of adultery – and – you could discern that she was still harbouring resentment inside her.

Though she wore a “mask” and tried to “fake” happiness – there was a strange sadness in her eyes – she was no longer her earlier bubbly and gregarious self – from time to time – she disparaged her husband and reminded him of his “sin” – whenever she had an argument with him – and – it was clear that she despised her husband due to the resentment caused by his adulterous act of having an extramarital affair.

Despite her resentment towards her husband – she continued to live with him – and – this resentment had made her life miserable.

She was well qualified – she had a good job – and – she was financially independent – so – she could have divorced her husband – moved on in life – mitigated her resentment – and – become happy – just like her counterpart “victim” of the extramarital affair – the “cuckolded” husband.

But – she chose to continue living with her unfaithful husband – due to social pressure – and – under the false belief that “time is a great healer”.

Time is a great healer.

But – “Time” alone – may not heal resentment.

You may require “space” to mitigate your resentment.

Of course – as I said earlier – it varies from person to person.

Maybe – there are some “broadminded” spouses – who may not feel resentful – if their spouses had an extramarital affair – which – they may consider a “minor indiscretion”.

On the contrary – some persons may feel resentful for what most others may consider “small misdemeanours”.

Resentment can happen in all relationships – personal and professional.

Even at work – you may feel that you have been unfairly treated – or – feel a sense of mistrust – this may cause resentment towards your boss or the entire organization.

I remember – in the Navy (and Army, Air Force too) – many deserving officers get “passed over” for promotion due to the steep hierarchical pyramid unique to the military.

Hence – many officers get “superseded” at a relatively young age despite being professionally competent.

Some superseded officers “forgive and forget” – and – they continue the military life without any resentment – and – they remain happy and healthy.

Most superseded officers cannot “forgive and forget” – and – they feel a sense of resentment towards the organization (Army/Navy/Air Force/Defence Services).

Of these – some officers resign and quit the Navy/Army/AirForce – and – they “move on” to a second career in the civilian world.

By distancing themselves from their earlier organization/environment – (by following the “out of sight” = “out of mind” dictum) – these officers mitigate their resentment in due course

However – some resentful superseded officers remain in the Army/Navy/AirForce – and – they become more and more bitter and rancorous day by day.

These resentful officers not only make their own lives miserable due to their resentment – but they also spread unpleasantness and negativity in the environment – and generate “toxic” vibes which have a demoralizing effect on everyone in their vicinity.

Some superseded officers become “bloody-minded” as their resentment makes them spiteful and acrimonious.

Others wallow in “self-pity” as they feel that they are “victims” of injustice.

Some of these “self-pity” type superseded officers try to “drown their sorrows” in alcohol and slip into the abyss of alcoholism.

The become alcoholics, destroy their own health and ruin the lives of their families.

Resentment can make you miserable – and – in extremis – if you allow resentment to grow within you – your resentment can overwhelm you – and – even destroy you.

Remember – in your personal and professional life – you may feel that you have been cruelly “wronged” – or – gross “injustice” has been done to you.

Whenever such a thing happens – you must introspect.

If you can “forgive and forget” – it is fine.

But – in case you cannot “forgive and forget” – it is best to move on – and try to mitigate your resentment – by following the “out of sight” = “out of mind” dictum.

Remember – each person is different.

Something that causes resentment in one person – that same thing may not cause resentment in someone else.

So – when something demoralizing happens – and if you feel that you have been “wronged” by someone and you are a “victim” of injustice – you should introspect – whether you can “forgive and forget” – or – whether it is “unforgivable” and will give rise to resentment in you.

And then – you can act accordingly.

Dear Reader – let me conclude by saying:

Once a relationship is contaminated by resentment – it is best to end the resentful relationship – if it is feasible. 

If you can “forgive and forget” – well and good. 

But – if you cannot “forgive and forget” – rather than let resentment make your life miserable and worsen your relationship – isn’t it better to “break up” – rather than try to make a pretence of a “patch-up”…?

VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. These are my personal views. They may or may not work for everyone. Please exercise your own due diligence in your life.
2. It is easy to preach, but difficult to practice what you preach. I try my best to practice what I preach (and preach what I practice) to the extent feasible.
3. All stories in this blog area work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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Links to my original posts in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/10/how-to-deal-with-resentment.html

http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/02/is-it-easy-to-forgive-and-forget.html

This Article also posted in My Writing Blog at url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/01/22/how-to-cope-with-resentment/

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