The Story of my one and only “Affair”

May 24, 2017

Humor in Uniform 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: https://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/04/the-affair-stealing-affections.html

The Story of my one and only “Affair”

“Quintessential” Sailors are rumored to have many “Affairs” (You must have heard myths of the “colourful” love life of Sailors – the “Girl in Every Port” stories etc etc)

Sadly – in my entire life – I have had only one “Affair”.

Dear Reader: Here is the story of my one and only “Affair”…

THE “AFFAIR” – “STEALING” AFFECTIONS 

(A Fictional Spoof By Vikram Karve)

40 Years Ago

Circa 1977

Office of the XO of a “Stone Frigate” (Navy Shore Establishment)

Part 1

A “DISCREET” INQUIRY

“I am warning you – you better mend your ways – or else…” the Commander shouted at me.

The Commander was the Executive Officer (XO) of the “Stone Frigate” – a Naval Training Establishment located at an isolated place in the back-of-beyond.

“I don’t understand, Sir…” I said to the XO.

“You bloody well know what I am talking about…” the XO bellowed.

“No, Sir – I don’t know what you are talking about…” I said, calmly.

“So – you want to play innocent – do you…? Okay. We will do it the proper way. You sit down…” the XO said to me.

“Thank You, Sir…” I said.

I pulled a chair – and – I sat down opposite the XO – on the other side of the table.

The XO placed a writing pad in front of him – and – he took out his pen from his pocket.

“I will ask you some questions – and – you will answer those questions truthfully…” the XO said.

“Sir – is this some sort of inquiry…?” I asked the XO.

“You can say that…” he said.

“Sir – I didn’t get any written intimation about this inquiry…”

“The Commanding Officer (CO) has told me to personally conduct a discreet inquiry since the matter is “delicate” in nature – do you understand…? Or – do you want me to march you up to the CO so that he can tell you himself…?” the XO said angrily.

“No, Sir…” I said.

“So – I will ask you some questions – and – you will answer truthfully – and – I will record my questions and your answers on this writing pad – and then – you will sign each page and at the end…”

“Sir – why don’t you get your stenographer…?”

“Because this is a “discreet” inquiry about a “delicate” matter – and – whatever happens here between you and me – it stays within the four walls of my office. Do you understand…?” the XO said.

“Aye, Aye, Sir…” I said.

“Shall we begin…” the XO asked.

“Yes, Sir…” I said.

Well – it was more of an “interrogation” than an “inquiry”.

Dear Reader: I will try to reproduce below the “interrogation report” for your perusal (to the best of my memory).

“Q” indicates “Question” – asked by the XO.

“A” indicates “Answer” to that Question – given by me.

Part 2

INTERROGATION REPORT

Q: This morning – at about 0600 Hours – you were seen leaving the house of Lieutenant “P”. Is that correct…?

A: Yes, Sir. That is correct.

Q: Lieutenant “P” is away on a course – so – Mrs. “P” and you were alone in the house for the entire night. Is that correct…?

A: Yes. Sir – that is correct – only she and I were in the house.

Q: What were you and Mrs. “P” doing the entire night…?

A: We were playing “Scrabble”…

Q: “Scrabble”…?

A: Sir – it is a “word game” – you have to make words from letters written on tiles by placing them on a scrabble board…

Q: You shut up…!!! Don’t try to “Bullshit” me. I know what “Scrabble” is. Are you telling me that you and Mrs. “P” were playing “Scrabble” the entire night – right until the morning…?

A: Not the entire night, Sir. We played “Scrabble” till around 12:30 – maybe 1 o’clock – and then – we went to sleep…”

Q: Oh – so you are admitting that you slept together…?

A: No, Sir – we did not sleep together – Mrs. “P” slept in her bedroom – and – I slept in the spare room…

Q: Are you sure…?

A: Why don’t you ask Mrs. “P”…? She will tell you what we did all night…

Q: You don’t worry about Mrs. “P”. The NOWA ladies are talking to her. You just answer the questions I am asking you. Do you understand…?

A: Aye, Aye, Sir…

NB:

At the time of the story in the 1970’s – what is now called NWWA (Navy Wives Welfare Association) – was known as NOWA (Naval Officers Wives Association).

Sometime in the 1980’s – NOWA – a “social” organisation of Officers’ Wives – was democratized to include Sailors’ Wives – and converted into a “welfare” organisation – and renamed NWWA (Navy Wives Welfare Association).

In a nutshell – NWWA is a “parallel hierarchy” of Navy Wives.

NWWA deals with “welfare” issues – like it was trying to do in this case – by “counselling” Mrs. “P” on LLQ (Lady Like Qualities).

Army and Air Force Wives too have similar “welfare” organisations called AWWA and AFWWA.

After this aside – let us continue with the “interrogation”…

The XO paused for a moment before he asked me the next question…

Q: Do you know the meaning of the term “Stealing Affections”…?

A: Yes, Sir – “stealing affections” is military euphemism for a “seductive love affair”, most likely an “extramarital affair” or “adultery”.

Q: That’s right. Are you aware of that “Stealing the Affection of a Brother Officer’s Wife” is an offence…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: Let me reiterate for your benefit that “stealing the affection of a brother officer’s wife” is deemed to be conduct unbecoming of an officer and conduct prejudicial to good order and naval discipline and is considered a serious offence. Do you know this…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: Would you say that Lieutenant “P” is your “Brother Officer”…?

A: Of course, Sir – Lieutenant “P” is 3 years senior to me – but – he is certainly a “Brother Officer”…

Q: So – Mrs. “P” is a “Brother Officer’s Wife” – isn’t she…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: So – will I be correct if I say that you are trying to steal the affection of a brother officer’s wife…?

A: What nonsense, Sir…? Are you saying that playing “Scrabble” is tantamount to “stealing affections”…?

Q: Cool down. Talk properly. I am your superior officer.

A: I am sorry, Sir.

Q: I will ask the questions – and – you will answer my questions. You will not ask counter-questions. Do you understand…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: Do you accept it – or – do you deny it…?

A: I did not understand, Sir.

Q: Do you accept that you are guilty of stealing the affection of a brother officer’s wife…?

A: No, Sir – I did not steal her affections…

Q: Well – the fact that you accept spending the whole night with Mrs. “P” in her house is enough “circumstantial evidence” from which your guilt can be inferred – but – if you want me to elaborate – we have more “circumstantial evidence” about your immoral intentions. Do you want to hear it…?

A: Sir – you have a wrong opinion about me – I have no immoral intentions…

Q: That we will see. You just answer my questions. Do you understand…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: Is it true that Mrs. “P” visits your cabin in the Officers’ Mess quite frequently…?

A: Not frequently, Sir – but – yes – she has come to my cabin a few times…

Q: Did Mrs. “P” visit your cabin last evening…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: You took her to your cabin…?

A: No, Sir – when I returned to my cabin after playing squash – I found her sitting inside.

Q: Sitting inside…? Does Mrs. “P” have the keys to your cabin…?

A: No, Sir – the steward had the key – she must have asked him to open it…

Q: What was Mrs. “P” doing when you came back after playing squash…?

A: She was sitting in the balcony…

Q: Was she wearing “hot pants”…?

A: “Hot Pants”…? Sir – I do not understand.

Q: What was Mrs. “P” wearing…?

A: She was wearing T-Shirt and Shorts. They were not “hot pants” – she was wearing shorts.

Q: Oh – she was wearing shorts – do you feel that it is an appropriate dress for a lady to wear in a single officer’s cabin…?

A: Sir, she played a game of squash with me – then – I wanted to play another game with an officer – so – she left…

Q: Are you aware that as per the Mess Rules – Ladies are not permitted in Single Officers’ Cabins…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: You knew this rule – still you took her to your cabin…?

A: Sir – I did not take her to my cabin – she went there on her own…

Q: Is it true that you two were drinking liquor in your cabin…?

A: Sir – are we under surveillance or something…? You even know what we were drinking…?

Q: Answer my question. What were you two drinking…?

A: Rum and Coke – both of us were drinking Rum and Cola.

Q: Are you aware that as per Mess Rules you are not permitted to drink liquor in your cabin…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: And you two were smoking too – isn’t it…?

A: Sir – we were smoking tobacco cigarettes – not “hash”. Is smoking banned in officers’ cabins too…? Or – are you implying that if a woman drinks and smokes – she is automatically presumed to be promiscuous…?

Q: Isn’t that leading to “circumstantial evidence” of stealing the affections of a brother officer’s wife…?

A: What nonsense, Sir. It is your “opinion” – and – opinion is not evidence.

Q: You two – Mrs. “P” and you – you two were drinking and smoking till around 2100 Hours – then – you went to the Mess – you picked up some packed food – and then – you both walked down to her house – and – you were seen leaving her house at 0600 Hours in the morning. We have recorded statements from witnesses. Are you still denying that you tried to steal the affections of a brother officer’s wife…?”

A: Sir – you can throw the book at me – but I don’t care. Yes – I broke Mess Rules – but – I did not “steal her affections” – I told you – we were playing “Scrabble”…

Q: Since you refuse to admit your guilt – I will put up the report to the CO and let him decide what to do with you. Till then – with immediate effect – you will have no contact with Mrs. “P” whatsoever – do you understand…?

A: Sir, you cannot interfere in my personal life. Mrs. “P” is a friend of mine – and – our friendship is none of your business. And – by the way – has Lieutenant “P”complained that I am stealing his wife’s affections…? It is only he – Lieutenant “P” –who can object to my friendship with his wife – not you. And – for your information – it was Lieutenant “P” who asked me to look after his wife during his absence.

Q: You don’t worry about Mrs. “P” – she will be looked after well by the other ladies – in fact – the NOWA “office bearers” are with her right now to give her any help that she wants. As far as you are concerned – I am ordering you not to meet Mrs. “P”. You will give a written undertaking to that effect. Is that clear…?

A: Sir – I am not going to give any written undertaking. I am not going to sign anything which casts aspersions on my character – because – I have not done anything wrong. I will continue my friendship with Mrs. “P” – as long as she wants it. Sir – you can tell the CO to do whatever he wants – but – I will fight it out.

With these words – I got up from my seat – I put on my cap – I saluted the XO – and – I walked out of his office.

Part 3

“STEALING AFFECTIONS

At 1700 Hours (5 in the evening) there was a NOWA Ladies’ Meet in the Officers’ Mess.

Mrs. “P” had been “ordered” to attend the NOWA Ladies Meet.

So – ideally – at 1645 Hours – Mrs. “P” should have been walking with other ladies to the Officers’ Mess – to attend the Ladies’ Meet.

However – instead of walking to the Officers’ Mess – Mrs. “P” was sitting behind me on my motorcycle – dressed in skin-tight Jeans and a rather skimpy Top – her legs astride – her arms around me – as we drove to town to see a Movie.

In fact – as we crossed the Ladies – Mrs. “P” clung onto me – holding me tightly – and – I drove slowly near the ladies – making sure that everyone saw us – sitting “indecently” in a “compromising position”…

As soon as the office opened next morning – the CO had a private “conference” with the XO.

The XO told the CO what had happened during his “interrogation” conversation with me.

The XO also told the CO about the evening’s episode – about Mrs. “P” clinging to me tightly on my bike – which he had learnt about from his wife.

Of course – the CO had already been briefed by his own wife – about Mrs. “P” and Me – sitting “indecently” in a “compromising position” on my bike – and the CO’s wife had added a lot of “masala” to make the story more “spicy”.

“So – what should we do…?” asked the CO.

“Sir – the bugger deserves to be court-martialed…” the XO said.

“Are you crazy…? The whole world will come to know – and – I can’t afford any scandal under my command – especially now. Don’t you know – “ACR time” is coming up – and – my promotion board is next year. It is a huge batch and there are hardly any vacancies – and – just one small blot is enough to ruin me – so – I can’t afford to take any chances…” the CO said.

“Yes, Sir…” the XO said.

“That bugger wanted a transfer from this place – didn’t he…?” the CO asked the XO.

“Yes, Sir – he had put up a formal request for a transfer to Mumbai saying that as a bachelor he found it difficult to live in this desolate place…”

“I think he had approached the “Captain Commandant” also…”

“Yes, Sir…”

“Okay – let’s transfer him out – “good riddance to bad rubbish”…”

“Sir – let’s send him to “Kala Pani” – we will post him to some remote island. A severe “punishment posting” will serve him right and bring him to his senses…”

“Are you crazy…? If you do such a stupid thing – he will raise a bloody “shindig” – the bugger is sure to make “noise” and raise a “stink”. He is a “funny” bugger – a bloody “troublemaker” – he will put up a “rep” – or complain to someone higher-up – that he is being “victimized”. I told you that I want this whole scandal “hushed-up”. We will give him his “choice transfer” to Mumbai – so that he will keep his mouth shut…”

“Sir – will you speak to…?”

“No. No. I don’t want to get involved in this murky affair. You get it done at your level. You can do it – can’t you…?”

“Yes, Sir. I will get it done…”

“I want the officer out of here by today – he should be on the evening train to Mumbai…”

“Yes, Sir – I will see to it. And Sir – let’s get rid of Mrs. “P” too – so the whole scandalous affair will be forgotten once and for all…”

“What do you mean…?”

“Sir – I will ask them to transfer Lieutenant “P” to Delhi…”

“Delhi…?”

Mrs. “P” is from Delhi – and – Lieutenant “P” has given Delhi as his “choice station” – so that his wife can start working again…”

“Oh – so that is the “root cause” of the problem – these “career women” get restless in small isolated cantonments like this – and they create all sorts of problems. Okay – go ahead – tell them to issue the transfer order effective next month – so we can pack off Lieutenant “P” and Mrs. “P” to Delhi the moment Lieutenant “P” returns from his course…”

“Aye, Aye, Sir…”

“I want the transfer orders issued immediately – can you get it done – after all – both of them are piddly Lieutenants…”

“I will get it done, Sir – both transfer orders – and – that “troublemaker” officer will be on the evening train to Mumbai…”

“Very Good…” the CO said, “organize a farewell PLD for him…”

“Aye, Aye, Sir…” the XO said.

EPILOGUE

Three Months Later

Thanks to the “Stealing Affections” gambit – I got my “Choice Transfer” to Mumbai.

I settled down well in my new job in Mumbai.

Three months later – I was sent on a “Temporary Duty” to Delhi to attend a conference.

On my very first evening – I duly “called on” Lieutenant “P” and Mrs. “P” – in their small flat in Curzon Road Apartments in New Delhi.

Lieutenant “P” and Mrs. “P” were delighted to see me.

“So – the “slam-dunk” worked…” Lieutenant “P” said to me.

“Yes, Sir – both of us got our “Choice Postings” – Me – to Mumbai – and – You – to Delhi…” I said.

“Yes – everyone was fooled by your smart “Stealing Affections” trick…” Lieutenant “P” said.

“Yes, Sir – I must especially thank your wife…” I said, looking at Mrs. “P”.

“Actually – I must thank you – you really helped me to restart my career…” Mrs. “P” said to me.

“You have restarted your career…?”

“Yes – I have restarted my career…” Mrs. “P” said, “I had quit my job the moment I got married – so that I could live with my husband. But – when I landed up in that godforsaken place – it was a terrible shock for a “city girl” like me. And then – my husband was sent away on that course – and – for me – living all alone in that lonely miserable place with nothing to do – I was going crazy. Now – I have got my job back – the same job I had quit when I got married – and – I am enjoying working so much…”

“So – it is “win-win” for all of us…” I said.

“Yes – it’s a “win-win” situation – so let’s say “Cheers” to that…” Lieutenant “P” said.

And – we – all three of us – Lieutenant “P”, Mrs. “P” and Me – we raised our glasses to celebrate.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

 Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: https://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/04/the-affair-stealing-affections.html

This Blog Post is a Revised Re-Post of my Story STEALING THE AFFECTION OF A BROTHER OFFICER’S WIFE posted online earlier in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/08/humor-in-uniform-stealing-affection-of.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/09/humor-in-uniform-how-to-get-choice.html

How to Manage Stress

May 22, 2017

STRESS MANAGEMENT MADE SIMPLE

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve:  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/11/wisdom-on-bench-in-mussoorie-stress.html

OUTER SILENCE – THE FIRST STEP TO INNER PEACE

WORDS ON A BENCH IN MUSSOORIE

Meditation By Vikram Karve

I am feeling hassled.

I close my eyes.

I sit in silence.

I relax.

And – I remember those insightful and profound words of wisdom engraved on a bench in Mussoorie.

I read those words written on a bench in Hindi long back – but those meaningful words have remained etched in my mind forever.

Agar Aap Shanti Chahte Ho To Pehele Shaant Rehena Seekho

अगर आप शांति चाहते हो तो पहेले शांत रहेना सीखो 

Long back – in the early 1990’s – I visited Mussoorie.

During one of my long walks – probably on Camel’s Back Road – or maybe near Lal Tibba in Landour – I saw some words inscribed on a bench.

Those words were a truism that has had a profound impact on me ever since.

I will never forget those interesting words written in Hindi on a bench in Mussoorie:

अगर आप शांति चाहते हो तो पहेले शांत रहेना सीखो 

(Agar Aap Shanti Chahte Ho To Pehle Shaant Rehna Seekho)

Roughly translated into English this means:

IF YOU DESIRE PEACE THEN FIRST LEARN TO REMAIN SILENT 

Of course – the Hindi word  शांत  (shaant)  also means PEACEFUL 

Yes – SILENCE is the sine qua non for PEACEFULNESS.

Once your mind is calm and peaceful – you will experience a sense of inner peace.

If your inner peace is disturbed – you will be stressed out.

The root cause of stress is lack of inner peace.

The first step to stress management is to restore your inner peace – and you must not allow your inner peace to be disturbed.

But – why does your inner peace get disturbed…?

Your inner peace gets disturbed because there is too much “noise” in your life.

There is Physical Noise, Mental Noise, Information Overload Noise, Emotional Noise, Relationship Noise – all sorts of Noise.

There is internal noise – and – there is external noise.

There is noise around you – and – there is noise within you.

There is all sorts of noise and cacophony – noise bombards all your senses.

Noise hassles you.

Noise disturbs your tranquility.

Noise is the biggest impediment to attaining peacefulness.

The first step to inner peace is to get rid of all that noise around you and within you.

Yes – if you want peace you have to shut out all the noise from your life.

Go to a quiet place where there is minimal external noise – switch off your noise-making gadgets like mobile cellphones etc – shut out the cacophony on TV – shut out the toxic people who create “noise” within you – yes – shut out all the emotional noise which hassles your peace of mind.

Sit silently in solitude – close your eyes – and see how your inner silence dissolves the noise within you.

Soon – as you sit in silence – you will experience inner peace – and you will be in harmony with yourself.

That is what I try to do every morning – or – whenever I feel stressed out.

I sit in silence in the spacious airy balcony of my ninth floor flat in Wakad – or in any other silent calm place.

I absorb the tranquil scenic view of the placid waters of the Mula River quietly flowing below, the peaceful verdant hills in the distance, the still atmosphere, the pure fresh air – and I feel a halo of soothing serenity permeate within me.

Then – I close my eyes – and I let my silence dissolve the internal noise in my mind and body.

It is only then that I experience inner peace – and I realize that I am in harmony with myself.

Yes – if you want to be in harmony with yourself – you must have inner peace.

And – outer silence is the first step to inner peace.

अगर आप शांति चाहते हो तो पहेले शांत रहेना सीखो 

If you want peace then first learn to remain silent 
Remember this simple piece of wisdom.

Try it.

Experience the power of silence in calming your mind.

It works.

You can take my word for it.

Remember the Stress Management Mantra:

Outer Silence is the First Step to Inner Peace

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved) 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve:  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/11/wisdom-on-bench-in-mussoorie-stress.html

This Self Help Article Written by me in 1994 and First Posted by me Vikram Karve in this blog on 16 Sep 2011 at 9/16/2011 01:36:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2011/09/words-on-bench-in-mussoorie.html and revised and reposted online many times later at various urls including at urls:  https://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/02/wisdom-from-mussoorie.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/10/noise-silence-and-peace-of-mind.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/08/stress-management-made-simple.html etc

Inspirational Pep Talk : Ou Dieu vous a seme – il faut savoir fleurir : You must know how to Flower where God has Sown You

May 22, 2017

INSPIRATIONAL PEP TALK 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/monday-motivation-inspirational-pep.html

You must know how to Flower where God has Sown You

Inspirational Pep Talk By Vikram Karve

I learnt more about the Art of Living by reading good literature – rather than from hearing sermons and moral lectures – or from high-falutin philosophy or spiritualism.

One thing good about the Navy is that it inculcated and fostered the reading habit in me.

I read a lot of sea stories and novels like The Cruel SeaThe Caine MutinyRun Silent Run DeepHMS UlyssesTales of the South Pacific  and so many more.

One sea novel I like very much is:

THE CAPTAIN by Jan De Hartog

In this story – the protagonist is a Merchant Navy Officer who is frustrated because – owing to reasons beyond his control – he gets stuck in Tugs whereas he wants to sail in the main fleet.

Seeing his frustration – his Tug Captain gives him a maxim:

“ Ou Dieu vous a seme  il faut savoir fleurir ”

which roughly translated means

“ You must know how to flower where God has sown you ” 

or

“ wherever God plants you – there you must learn how to bloom ”

The young Merchant Navy Officer takes this to heart – he works very hard on the Tug – and then – he works with dedication, sincerity and devotion to duty throughout his career on Tugs.

In due course – he becomes the most famous sea-going Tug Captain – and ultimately the owner of flourishing company with a huge fleet of ocean going tugs.

Inspired by this book – I too tried my best to imbibe this philosophy in my life – especially in my Naval Career – and – I tried my best to “flower” wherever the Navy posted me.

It is good philosophy to apply in your life:

“Wherever God plants you  there you must learn how to flower and bloom…”

NAVY MOTTO

“LIKE IT” OR “LUMP IT” : If you don’t like it – just lump it

If you do not get what you like 

then – you must learn to like what you get

and – you must make the most of it 

Like they say in the Navy:

If you don’t like it – just lump it.

“Like it or “Lump it

There is another saying I read a few years ago:

If life gives you a “Lemon  make “Lemonade.

Yes – when life gives you a “lemon” – use that “lemon” and make “lemonade” – instead of cribbing and carping – wallowing in self pity – becoming bitter and spreading bitterness – and making your own life hell and everyone else’s life miserable.

Like they say in NLP :

There is no such thing as “failure” 

There is only “learning experience”

So – metaphorically – the “lemon” is the failure – and – the “lemonade” is the learning experience.

And this “learning experience” will enable you to “flower” and “bloom” wherever you are “sown” or “planted”

Well – I have tried to follow this mantra:

“ Ou Dieu vous a seme  il faut savoir fleurir ”

When I was in the Navy – wherever the Navy transferred me – to whatever job they assigned me – whether they promoted me or not – I tried not to get disillusioned or demoralized.

And – in my own inimitable style:

I tried to “flower” and “bloom” wherever I was “sown” or “planted”.

Yes – I made “lemonade” with all the “lemons” that the Navy gave me.

I am trying to do this after my retirement too – trying to “flower” and “bloom” in the back-of-beyond lonely place called Wakad – on the outskirts of Pune – where God has planted me after my retirement.

That is one of the reasons you are reading this Blog.

Yes – the result of all this “flowering” and “blooming” is this prolific Blog – and the couple of books I have written.

Well – I am going to “flower” and “bloom” away and “bash on regardless” with my Blogging and Writing – since – this is the best thing I can do where God has planted me.

God has given me the “lemon” of loneliness.

And – from this “lemon” of loneliness – I have made the “lemonade” of my blogs – and my books – and all my writing.

Have a good day – whatever “lemons” you get today – just keep making “lemonade” and enjoy every drop of it.

Sometimes you may feel a sense of “failure” – you may feel that you have “failed” in life.

There is no such thing as “failure” – it is all in the mind.

And still – if you feel a sense of “failure” – think of “failure” as a “lemon” – and make “lemonade”.

Talking of the “lemon” of “failure” – let me tell you one thing that I have learnt from my own life experiences.

Sometimes – failure is good

You can take my word for it.

Remember the maxim:

“ Ou Dieu vous a seme  il faut savoir fleurir ”  

(wherever God plants you – there you must learn how to flower and bloom)

Apply this to your life – and you will “flower and bloom” wherever you are.

Dear Reader:

Wish you a Very Happy Monday and a great week ahead.

May you “flower and bloom” wherever God has planted you.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. These are my personal views.Please do your own due diligence while selecting a philosophy of life.
  2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved) 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/monday-motivation-inspirational-pep.html

This article is an abridged version of my article posted online at urls: http://creative.sulekha.com/ou-dieu-vous-a-seme-il-faut-savoir-fleurir_469567_blog  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2010/10/ou-dieu-vous-seme-il-faut-savoir.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/10/learning-art-of-living-from-literature.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/11/navy-philosophy-like-it-or-lump-it.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/10/insipirational-self-help-mantra.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/12/new-years-resolution-2017-i-will-flower.html etc

Vikram Karve shared an answer on Quora with you

May 19, 2017

What is the meaning of “INS” in the context of the Indian navy? What is the origin of it? by Vikram Karve https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-meaning-of-INS-in-the-context-of-the-Indian-navy-What-is-the-origin-of-it/answer/Vikram-Karve?share=9658892d&srid=5Hkq

“Dating” Therapy

May 17, 2017

Yesterday – a Foodie Friend and Me – we just sat over snacks and coffee and had a long talk.

After talking to each other – we both felt good.

And – I remembered this story I had written long ago…

POODLE-FAKING aka DOING NOTHING

Short Fiction – Romance and Philosophy – A Lazy Mumbai Story

A Spoof By VIKRAM KARVE 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/just-talking-story.html

From my Creative Writing Archives:

Here is one of my Lazy Mumbai Stories.

I wrote this story 14 years ago – in early 2003 – after a walk on Marine Drive.

I spent many years in Mumbai – thanks to the Navy – in the 1970’s and 1980’s – and – then again – I enjoyed the 6 best years of my life in Mumbai – from the year 2000 to 2006.

During these happy 6 years – I was very lucky.

I lived in a beautiful heritage building called Empress Court opposite the Oval.

Every morning I woke up sharp at 6 AM to the chimes of the majestic clock on the University of Mumbai Rajabai Tower – and – I would be off to Marine Drive for my brisk morning jog-cum-walk from Churchgate to Chowpatty and back – right till land’s end at Nariman Point.

The morning walk on Marine Drive was for physical exercise.

Every evening – after returning from work – I would head towards Marine Drive again for another walk – and – I would return home late – after enjoying the glorious spectacle of sunset – the panoply of colours as the orange sun was swallowed up in the Arabian Sea.

This time it was a walk to “DO NOTHING” – a leisurely walk to relax the mind – not exercise the body.

The morning walk was to exercise the body.

So – it was a brisk walk – a walk-cum-jog with exercises on the way.

The evening walk was to relax the mind.

Just a unhurried stroll.

To admire the sunset as the sea swallowed up the orange sun.

To watch pretty young things (and the even prettier not-so-young things) head home from work.

To have a bite, peanuts, bhel, pani puri at the famous B-Road stall, sweet curds at Rustom near Churchgate or maybe even a green chilly ice cream at Bachellor’s opposite the chowpatty.

It was during these glorious POODLE-FAKING aka DOING NOTHING interregnums that the right side of my brain would take over and my mind would wander with interesting creative thoughts which, sometimes, would give birth to story, like this one – aptly titled POODLE-FAKING aka DOING NOTHING.

So here is this story once again.

On request from one of my like-minded friends, a walking partner on many of my lazy Mumbai walks, let me pull out from my creative writing archives, one of my all time favourites, a fiction short story I wrote many years ago – a lazy Mumbai story set on Marine Drive – POODLE-FAKING aka DOING NOTHING.

Remember, I wrote this story 14 years ago – in early 2003 – when I was a “busy” man.

Yes – I was a busy man – trying to find time for “doing nothing”…

Now – after retirement – I can spend my entire time “doing nothing”…

Hope you enjoy this old-fashioned romance.

Do tell me if you like it.

POODLE-FAKING aka DOING NOTHING  A Romantic Story by Vikram Karve 

TWO “DATES” ON MARINE DRIVE

“DATE” WITH ROOPA 

“What do you do…?” she asks.

“Nothing…!” I say.

“What do you mean ‘NOTHING’…?” she asks, “You must be doing something…!”

“I do nothing…!” I say emphatically.

“Come on Vinay, stop kidding. I know you work somewhere.”

“Work…? You asked me what I do, not where I work…! I work at the Bureau of Statistics.”

“Bureau of Statistics…? What statistics…?”

“Vital Statistics.”

“Vital Statistics…?” she asks with her eyebrows arched in curious surprise.

“No, No. It’s not what you’re thinking. I meant statistics that are vital,” I say, trying to correct the faux pas. “We compile, collate, consolidate, analyze and disseminate various vital statistics.”

“Wow…! How interesting…! Tell me more.”

“You can say that I am an obsolescent man dealing with obsolete things.”

“Obsolescent man…? Obsolete things…? I don’t understand. Where exactly do you work…?”

“I’m in the smallpox section.”

“Smallpox…?”

“Yes. Smallpox. I maintain statistics pertaining to smallpox.”

“That’s funny…! I thought smallpox was eradicated long back.”

“Smallpox may have been eradicated, but my office is still going strong…” I say proudly. It is true – sometimes the ends vanish, but the means proliferate and flourish till eternity.

“I can’t believe it…! If there’s no smallpox around, why maintain statistics…?”

“If you don’t maintain statistics how will the world come to know that something has vanished, disappeared or become obsolete…?”

“Oh, so you work on vital statistics for things that are obsolete…?”

“Yes. Obsolete…! Earlier I worked in the typewriters statistics section and it was we who discovered that typewriters had become obsolete the moment we had nothing to do…!”

“But what do you do whole day…?”

“Nothing…!” I answer emphatically. “I told you I do nothing, didn’t I…?”

“Don’t you feel bored, restless, doing nothing whole day…? Soon you’ll go crazy…!”

“Bored, restless, crazy…? Not at all. Thanks to my work, I have developed the ability to savor long hours of leisure – a gift most of you so-called ‘busy’ people have lost, or probably never acquired.”

Yes indeed, my dear Reader – I do nothing.

That’s what I love to do the most – that’s what I do best – and that’s what I do almost all the time – ‘Nothing’…!

Well, actually, I love doing nothing because for most of the time I have nothing to do.

I have plenty of leisure – plenty of time to do nothing – which is rare in a place like Mumbai – and I am always busy doing nothing.

My life’s leitmotif is that famous epigram of Chang Cha’ao:

Only those who take leisurely – what the people of the world are busy about – only they can be busy – about what the people of the world take leisurely

I told you I have the ability to enjoy and savor long hours of leisure – a talent which is quite rare in today’s hectic world where everyone is busy running their own rat-race.

I am lucky to enjoy so much leisure – for I am not running in any rat-race.

I may not be a rat – but I am a man of no importance – neither handsome – nor wealthy – nor successful – nor powerful – nor famous – nor – indeed – particularly well endowed.

How can I describe myself…?

The most apt word may be ‘anonymous’

Oh yes – I am an ordinary man who looks so undistinguished and commonplace – that you won’t notice me in a crowd – or even if there is no crowd – for I just blend into the surroundings.

And in my anonymity lies my power – my freedom – to do nothing.

You may call me an idler, a loafer, a loser, a failure – but I just don’t care – as long as I can pleasurably wallow, revel and rejoice in my anonymity – ‘doing nothing’.

Indeed – anonymity is a sine qua non for my ‘doing nothing’ philosophy of life.

Hey, we have digressed…!

Enough of pontification – now let me get back to the story…

FLASHBACK – (How the tete-a-tete with Roopa started…) 

Let’s return to the conversation I am having with the beautiful lady and let me tell you how it all started.

One evening I leave my office – after a busy day of “Doing Nothing” – I cross through the Horniman Circle garden, walk down Vir Nariman Road, past Flora Fountain, cross MG road at Hutatma Chowk, pick up a vada pav at Ashok Satam’s stall next to the CTO, stroll leisurely towards Churchgate while the sea of humanity rushes by like a deluge, fortify myself with a refreshing cup of Irani tea at Stadium restaurant and then I sit on the parapet on Marine Drive staring vacantly at the tranquil sea doing what I do best – Nothing…!

“Hi…!” says a melodious feminine voice shaking me out of my reverie. I turn around.

It’s Roopa – my classmate from college.

She is quite a looker and I feast my eyes on her in a yearning sort of way which is worth a hundred compliments.

She blushes at the genuine admiration in my eyes and says, “It’s so nice to see you, Vinay. After so many years. And here of all the places…!”

“I like this place. It’s one of my favorites. I come here most evenings…” I say.

“And what were you doing sitting and staring blankly at the sea like a lost case…?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing…? You spend every evening here doing nothing…?”

“Yes,” I say. “Of course, once in a while I go to the Gateway, or land’s end at Nariman Point, or the Chowpatty side, or even Hanging Gardens. But this is my favorite place for hanging out and doing nothing and most evenings I am here on Marine Drive.”

“What do you do…?” she asks.

“Nothing…!” I say.

(And then – we – Roopa and Me – we have the conversation about my work that I have described earlier in the beginning – at the start of my story – I am repeating the conversation for the sake of continuity …)

“What do you do…?” Roopa asks.

“Nothing…!” I say.

“What do you mean ‘NOTHING’…?” she asks, “You must be doing something…!”

“I do nothing…!” I say emphatically.

“Come on Vinay, stop kidding. I know you work somewhere.”

“Work…? You asked me what I do, not where I work…! I work at the Bureau of Statistics.”

“Bureau of Statistics…? What statistics…?”

“Vital Statistics.”

“Vital Statistics…?” she asks with her eyebrows arched in curious surprise.

“No, No. It’s not what you are thinking. I meant statistics that are vital,” I say, trying to correct the faux pas. “We compile, collate, consolidate, analyze and disseminate various vital statistics.”

“Wow…! How interesting…! Tell me more.”

“You can say that I am an obsolescent man dealing with obsolete things.”

“Obsolescent man…? Obsolete things…? I don’t understand. Where exactly do you work…?”

“I’m in the smallpox section.”

“Smallpox…?”

“Yes. Smallpox. I maintain statistics pertaining to smallpox.”

“That’s funny…! I thought smallpox was eradicated long back.”

“Smallpox may have been eradicated, but my office is still going strong,” I say proudly. It is true – sometimes the ends vanish, but the means proliferate and flourish till eternity.

“I can’t believe it…! If there’s no smallpox around, why maintain statistics…?”

“If you don’t maintain statistics how will the world come to know that something has vanished, disappeared or become obsolete…?”

“Oh, so you work on vital statistics for things that are obsolete…?”

“Yes. Obsolete…! Earlier I worked in the typewriters statistics section and it was we who discovered that typewriters had become obsolete the moment we had nothing to do…!”

“But what do you do whole day…?”

“Nothing…!” I answer emphatically. “I told you I do nothing, didn’t I…?”

“Don’t you feel bored, restless, doing nothing whole day…? Soon you’ll go crazy…!”

“Bored, restless, crazy…? Not at all. Thanks to my work, I have developed the ability to savor long hours of leisure – a gift most of you so-called ‘busy’ people have lost, or probably never acquired.”

“Aren’t you happy to see me…?” she asks.

“Of course I am happy to see you,” I say looking directly into her large brown eyes.

“You’ve told me everything about yourself – but you haven’t asked me anything about me,” she says.

“I’m no nosy parker. I don’t like to be too inquisitive,” I say.

“Inquisitive…? But you can be a bit curious, can’t you…? Don’t you want to know about me…? What all I’ve achieved since college, what I’m doing, my work – aren’t you interested in me…?” she asks.

“I was always interested in you. Don’t you remember…? It was you who never gave me any bhav. You used me as a messenger to carry love letters to your boyfriends, that’s all,” I say.

“Please don’t say that. You know you were so sweet, that you were the only boy we all girls could confide in, talk to freely, knowing you would keep our secrets safe,” she says.

“Okay Roopa, confide in me. Tell me, what are doing here…?”

“I’ve come for my visa. They said it’d take an hour. So I just came here to kill time.”

“Visa…? Here in Churchgate…? I thought the visa office was in Breach Candy or somewhere there…!”

“That’s the US Consulate. I’ve already got that. The UK visa office is here. In the Brabourne Stadium building, near Rustom Ice Cream.”

“Ah…! Rustoms…! Come on Roopa, let’s have some ice cream. Or sweet curds. Or whatever you like.”

“Let’s eat something first. That place looks good…” she says pointing to the Pizzeria, opposite the Marine Drive, where Talk of the Town was once there. “We’ll sit there and talk. And have some pizza.”

I order a huge special pizza, she orders a small one, and she begins talking about herself.

I am easy to talk to, for I listen well. You’ll understand what I mean once you talk to me. I know when to egg you on… by a subtle gesture, an encouraging look, or an appreciative word of genuine interest. It’s all about building rapport…sensory acuity…matching and mirroring…if you’ve done NLP you know what I mean. Believe me… I have the knack… and when you talk to me your words will just come tumbling out.

Roopa tells me everything, about her Masters in Computers after we graduated in Maths, her natural talent in Software, her meteoric success, her globetrotting projects, her career rise from job to job, from Mumbai, Bangalore, Gurgaon, to her present job in a top IT company in Pune. And also about her recent marriage to Deepak, another hotshot IT professional working in the same company as hers. She shows me Deepak’s photo – yes he does look an IT Nerd, no doubt about it…

“You know Vinay,” she says excitedly, “I am on the verge of breaking the glass ceiling. This project, the next one year, is crucial, it’s a do or die situation for me. If I succeed, my life is made forever. It will be a career breakthrough for me and there will be no looking back. I’ll be able to set up my own company. Maybe move to the States, Seattle.”

I nod and focus on my pizza.

“It’s going to be very hectic. US, UK, Europe, Far East, Middle East, everywhere – I’ll be globetrotting all over, living out of a suitcase.”

“Great,” I say. “When do you take off…? Tonight…?”

“I wish I could, but there’s a small hitch.”

“Hitch…?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Fantastic…!” I say… but from the expression on her face I instantly realize that I have said the wrong thing, so I look down into my pizza and pretend to dig deep.

“It’s all wrong. The timing, I mean,” she says. “I’m so meticulous at work… I just don’t know how I could be so careless in my personal life and mess up everything.”

I say nothing.

She wants to hear silence – silent approbation – and that is what she will hear from me.

That’s the trick – always say something that the person you are talking to wants to hear – otherwise – just keep quiet.

“I have to do something fast…!”

“You asked your husband…?”

“Are you mad…? The moment Deepak comes to know, he’ll start jumping with joy for having proven his virility. Everyone will come to know. And it will be curtains for me as far as this project is concerned.”

“You can still go, can’t you…?”

“It’s a one year project. The moment my MCP bosses hear I’m pregnant – they will have me out of the project straightaway. And my husband – he’ll be the happiest. As it is – my husband is inwardly jealous that I’ve got this project – that I’ll succeed and leave him behind. I must do something fast, isn’t it…?”

My mouth full of pizza – I nod my head.

“Vinay, please tell me,” she says getting emotional, “my priorities are right, aren’t they…?”

“Yes, of course, your priorities are right…” I say emphatically.

“What do you say…? Now, at this crucial juncture – I should focus on my career – don’t you think…? I can always have all the children I want later – isn’t it…?”

“Very right. Very right…!” I say, “Roopa, you’re absolutely right…!”

“Thanks, Vinay. I’m so lucky I met you. You are the only one I’ve told all this. Thanks for talking to me. You’ve helped me make my decision,” she says extending her hand on the table.

I place my hand on hers, press gently and look into her brown eyes.

“You’re such a darling, Vinay,” she says, “it’s so comforting to talk to you.”

And then tears well up in her eyes and suddenly she breaks down – oblivious of the surroundings.

I move across, caress her head and gently soothe her.

We talk a bit – and I walk her down to Rustom for a ‘Sandwich Ice Cream’ – then she collects her visa – and I bid good bye to a reassured, composed and determined Roopa as she gets into a taxi on her way to catch a Volvo Bus to Pune.

(Some more of “poodle-faking” aka doing nothing”… with Nina) 

“DATE” WITH NINA

Happy at having comforted Roopa – I leisurely stroll towards my favorite place on Marine Drive to continue my poodle faking aka ‘doing nothing’.

 I rinse my lungs with the refreshing sea breeze – and suddenly I smell a strong whiff of perfume – or maybe it’s one of those overpowering deodorants!

I turn around.

It is the ravishing Nina – another of my ‘achiever’ go-getter classmates – who – after completing her MBA – is now a hotshot in a top MNC.

I have seen her sometimes on Marine Drive – in her chauffeur driven car – driving home late evening from her office in Nariman Point to her home on Malabar Hill.

Once she even stopped and asked me if I wanted a lift – an offer I politely declined.

Then Nina asked me what I was doing – and when I told her I was ‘doing nothing’ – she gave me an uncanny smile – and I notice that every time she sees me ‘doing nothing’ at my favorite spot on Marine Drive from her car – she looks at me in a curious sort of way.

“Doing Nothing…?” Nina asks me naughtily, her eyes dancing.

“Yes. How did you know…?”

“Come on, Vinay…! You told me once, remember…? I see you here almost every evening while driving home.”

“And you never stop to say hello…?”

“I don’t want to disturb your penance.”

“Penance…? That’s malapropism…!”

“Sorry. I mean your ‘doing nothing’ meditation…”

“That’s better…! And what makes you disturb my meditation now…?”

“I want to talk to you.”

“Okay. Talk.”

“Not here. Too many people here. Let’s go to some quiet place where we can be alone.”

“Hanging Gardens…? Remember our favorite bench in the secluded corner…?”

“Okay. But you don’t do anything naughty…!”

“Let’s go. Where is your car…?”

“I let the car go and I walked down from my office. I didn’t want the driver getting too curious.”

“Okay, I’ll get a cab. Hey, why not just walk down Marine Drive…? Walking and talking – that wouldn’t look suspicious.”

“Okay,” she says, “let’s walk and talk.”

And we walk and we talk.

Being a ‘facts and figures’ finance person – Nina doesn’t beat about the bush – but she comes straight to the point.

“I’m pregnant…” she announces.

I suppress my emotion.

This is too much for one evening.

First – Roopa is pregnant – and now – Nina is pregnant.

Coincidence, serendipity, I don’t know what – or maybe it’s pregnancy season.

This time – I am careful not to say anything.

“Aren’t you going to congratulate me…?” she asks.

“Of course. Congratulations…!!!” I say.

“You’re the first one I’ve told. I just got the report this evening.”

“Your husband…? You didn’t tell your husband…?”

“No.”

“Oh my God…! Is the father of your baby someone else…?”

“Shut up…!”

“I’m sorry. But you must tell your husband immediately.”

“And he will immediately rush me to the nearest abortionist…!”

“What…?”

“We took all the precautions – but it’s happened – and I got pregnant. Now – I want the baby.”

“Of course you must have the baby…” I say.

“I must. Isn’t it…? What do you feel – I must have the baby – isn’t it…?”

“Of course you must have the baby. But why doesn’t your husband want the baby…?”

“I told him that when I have a baby – I am going to quit my job – at least take a long break to bring up my child. That’s the right thing to do – isn’t it…?”

“Oh yes – of course that’s the right thing to do.”

“I feel being a full time mother is more important. At least when the baby is small – isn’t it…?”

“Of course being a full time mother is most important – especially when the baby is small. You must take care of yourself from right now. Come on – I’ll call a taxi. You shouldn’t strain yourself so much.”

“How sweet of you…! But just let’s sit there by the sea for some time…”

“Tell me – why doesn’t your husband want you to have a baby now…?”

“Because he knows I will quit my job.”

“So…?”

“Who is going to pay the EMI for the luxurious penthouse apartment he wants to book…?”

“Penthouse Apartment…? It can wait. The baby is more important.”

“That is precisely what I have been saying since we got married.”

“So…?”

“He feels we should first have all the material things – all the comforts – before we have a baby.”

“Your husband has got his priorities wrong.”

“He’s wrong – isn’t he…?”

“Yes – he is wrong. And you are right…”

“So I should go ahead with the baby – isn’t it…?”

“Of course.”

“And I should quit my job…?”

“Of course you should quit your job for the sake of your baby. Nina – you go and tell your husband right away and put your foot down. Tell him: ‘The baby takes priority – the penthouse apartment can come later’…” I say firmly to Nina.

“I will – I will – of course I will – I will tell him the moment I reach home…” Nina says – looking happy and emboldened.

“You must do what your conscience tells you. Listen to your inner voice. Be the strong girl like you were in college,” I say.

Nina gives me a genuine smile of affection and she says, “I’m so glad I talked to you, Vinay. Thanks for helping me make my decision.”

We sit for some time by the sea at Chowpatty at the end of Marine Drive and marvel at the spectacle of the sun being swallowed by the sea.

Then I walk Nina to a taxi – and she leaves after giving me a warm hug.

I walk down Marine Drive in the twilight – and I reflect.

Two “Dates” on Marine Drive in one evening.

Roopa and Nina.

What contrasts…!!!

I loved talking to them.

I love to talk to anyone who wants to talk to me.

Talking to someone who needs comforting seems to make my own troubles go away

Dear Reader:

Do you agree…?

Sometimes – when you are feeling low – if you talk to someone who needs comforting for her troubles – you find that you feel better – and forget your own problems.

Yes.

Talking to someone who needs comforting can make your own troubles go away

Do comment and let us know your views.

Till then – HAPPY POODLE-FAKING aka DOING NOTHING 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This story is a fictional spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/just-talking-story.html

An Updated and Revised Version of My Story POODLEFAKING written by me Vikram Karve in the year 2003 and posted by me online a number of times on my various creative writing blogs including at urls: http://creative.sulekha.com/poodlefaking_63078_blog  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2010/08/poodlefaking-catharsis-and-doing.html and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/12/poodle-faking.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/08/humour-doing-nothing-short-story.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/philosophical-romancing-on-marine-drive.html  andhttp://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/09/poodle-faking-aka-doing-nothing.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/03/the-poodle-faker-ladies-man.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/12/two-dates-on-marine-drive.html etc

The “Animal Farm” Syndrome – One “Mogul” replaces another “Mogul”

May 17, 2017

ONE MOGUL REPLACES ANOTHER MOGUL 
“Animal Farm Syndrome

A Spoof By Vikram Karve

Link to my original blog post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve:  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/humor-in-uniform-one-mogul-replaces.html

NB:

The word MOGUL is also spelled MOGHUL or MUGHAL.

In this story – it used in a metaphorical sense.

In the context of this story the word MOGUL (or MOGHUL or MUGHAL) means a powerful person – a person who rules or commands.

“MOGULS” IN UNIFORM – an apocryphal story by Vikram Karve

In his classic satirical allegory  ANIMAL FARM  George Orwell exemplifies the tendency of human beings to abuse power.

Whenever a human gets power – his attitude changes dramatically.

I have seen this metamorphosis in a person’s attitude and behaviour happening in the Navy.

When an officer gets promoted to high rank – the first thing that happens is that power goes to his head.

His ego bloats – and he changes his way of thinking.

He starts behaving differently.

He starts displaying all the trappings of power – figuratively and literally (an example is the obsession to display “stars” and rank symbols all over – like displaying vehicle star plates on lecterns, boats, horse buggy, golf caps etc).

He starts doing exactly the same unethical and unofficerlike things that he criticised as a junior officer when he saw his seniors do it.

And to justify his conduct – he starts uttering platitudes like:

“Now that I have the view from the “Top” – things look “Different” – and now  I must behave like a “Leader”…

“MORAL METAMORPHOSIS” ON PROMOTION TO HIGH RANK

This “moral metamorphosis” happened to one of my coursemates.

As a junior officer he was most vociferous in his criticism of the conduct of some of the senior officers.

“Bloody freeloaders,” he would exclaim, “the buggers want everything free. They want everything ‘on-the-house’ and don’t want to pay for anything. Just look at the way they blatantly misuse transport and manpower!”

But when he was promoted to a senior rank – he started behaving in exactly the same way – taking full undue advantages of his rank.

Maybe the “moral metamorphosis” owing to high rank had now made him see things differently…!!!

After all – Rank Has Its Privileges (RHIP)…!!!

When one veteran political leader was asked why his party had changed so much from the values it once represented – he said: “It is all because of power. Earlier we were in the opposition. Now we are in power. Once you have tasted power everything changes.”

It is true:

“Power Corrupts”.

The moral of the story of Animal Farm is that because of this innate corrupt nature of most human beings to misuse power for their own benefit that whatever the form of governance (democracy, monarchy, socialism, communism, or dictatorship) nothing much changes for the impoverished and hapless aam aadmi or common man since human-power relationship makes all systems “feudal” in nature.

On a lighter note – the Naval Yarn I am going to narrate below illustrates this dictum.

ONE MOGUL REPLACES ANOTHER MOGUL

This happened long back – around 39 years ago in the 1970s – in the early days of my Naval career – when I was a bright young officer.

It was the farewell party of our boss – the Captain of our ship.

Everyone was happy to see him go ashore on transfer at the end of his tenure.

He had been a terrible boss – a ruthless taskmaster – quite a tyrant – and he had made our life hell.

A strict authoritarian disciplinarian – he wielded total power and commanded the ship like a martinet – ruling us like an absolute monarch.

As far as he was concerned – it was “his” ship – and there were just two categories of people on-board his ship:

HE 

(the Supreme Lord and Master)

and

WE 

(the rest of the crew – which included everyone else starting from the second-in-command right down the junior-most sailor)

This feudal style Captain exemplified the Navy Dictum immortalized by Captain Queeg in the classic Navy Novel  – THE CAINE MUTINY  – written by Herman Wouk:

Captain Queen told his officers and sailors:

“…there are four ways of doing things on this ship:

  1. The RIGHT WAY
  1. The WRONG WAY
  1. The NAVY WAY 

and

  1. MY WAY

On my ship  we do things MY WAY…”

Our Captain believed in Captain Queen’s dictum – and – our Captain had made it very clear that – he wanted things done his way.

We had nicknamed him: MOGUL.

At the farewell party – whisky was flowing freely – and everyone was thoroughly enjoying the party.

Everyone was downing peg after peg of the choicest whisky – happy to bid farewell and say goodbye to the “Mogul”.

The officers were celebrating in anticipation of the forthcoming “freedom” from “Mogul Tyranny”.

For me – it was an evening of mixed emotions – since it was my farewell party as well – because – as luck would have it – by sheer coincidence – I too was going away on transfer.

As it is customary to “look after” the farewell guest very well – my shipmates had plied me with plenty of whisky – peg after peg – “down the hatch” – and by the time I was called upon to deliver my farewell speech – I was feeling very “nice”

As I told you once before – there is a saying in the Navy:

Officers never get drunk – they only feel “nice” 

And I was feeling awfully “nice”.

Being the junior – I was called to deliver my farewell speech first.

I was feeling awfully “nice” due to the enormous amount of whisky I had imbibed.

At first – I said the customary things – I thanked my shipmates – talked about the good times we had together in the wardroom.

But as I spoke – my inhibitions started peeling off – and I started speaking out my mind freely.

Then – in a spurt of audaciousness and recklessness thanks to the “Dutch Courage” fuelled by the huge amount of alcohol flowing in my veins – I started gesticulating towards the Captain – and I blurted out my farewell speech:

“Tonight – I am feeling privileged – that along with me – it is the farewell party of our beloved Captain – who we affectionately call MOGUL.

I know all of you are happy to see off this Mogul

But remember one thing – ONE MOGUL REPLACES ANOTHER MOGUL 

So don’t be too happy that this Mogul is going away.

It may well turn out that the new incoming Mogul may be worse than this outgoing Mogul  whose days on this ship are over. 

And  God Forbid  if the new Mogul is a worse tyrant than this one  then you will reminisce and remember the “good old days” you had under this Mogul”…

After uttering these words – I narrated the story of one my favourite books – ANIMAL FARM (an allegorical novel by George Orwell).

In this story – there is a rebellion – an uprising by all the animals who unite and rise in revolt against the tyrant human beings who own the Animal Farm.

The humans are overthrown by the animals – who achieve “freedom” from human tyranny.

But soon – the pigs – who led the uprising – gradually assume control – and start taking over power.

The pigs replace the humans as the rulers – yes – the pigs become the new “rulers”.

Eventually the pigs become worse tyrants than the humans – and the pigs make life hell for all the other animals.

So – despite change in leadership – nothing changes for the common animals.

I have seen plenty of examples of the “Animal Farm Syndrome” in the Navy and Defence Services.

Don’t you see this “Animal Farm Syndrome” everywhere – in all organisations – even in “democratic” organisations – where One “Mogul” replaces another “Mogul” – but nothing much changes for the common man – in fact – in most cases – when “Leaders” change – things may get worse for the “Followers”.

Hey – I have digressed – so – let me get on with the story:

NEW “MOGUL” RAJ

A few months later I ran into one of my ex-shipmates – and he told me that my prediction had come true.

“You were right. One Mogul replaces another Mogul – but the Mogul Empire Continues Forever…” he said laughingly.

He told me that exactly like I had predicted – life on-board the ship had indeed become so terrible under the new Captain – that in the evenings – everyone sat in the wardroom drowning their sorrows and reminiscing about the “good old days” in the earlier “Mogul Empire”.

“The earlier Mogul was a bullshitter – but at least he was an honest bloke,” my ex-shipmate said, “but this new Mogul is not only a terrible bullshitter – but he is a crafty, cunning, corrupt man – and a bloody freeloader too – and he has made our life miserable.”

THE “MOGUL” PRINCIPLE (The “Animal Farm Syndrome)

Look around you and you will see that this “Mogul” theory is true in real life too.

Leaders come and go  elections happen  governments change  regimes come and go  sometimes democracy becomes dictatorship  and sometimes dictatorship becomes democracy  socialism metamorphoses into globalization, liberalization and crony capitalism.

All sorts of things happen  but for you and me  for the common man (“Aam Aadmi” nothing much changes  and our life remains just the same.

In fact  in most cases  things may even get worse than before.

Of course  there are exceptions – yes, there are a few genuine leaders who really make a difference  but nowadays  such examples are few and far between.

By and large  the Mogul Principle prevails.

So before you rejoice too much on hearing the news that your tyrant boss is going to go away  remember THE MOGUL PRINCIPLE:

“ONE “MOGUL” MAY REPLACE ANOTHER MOGUL – BUT THE “MOGUL” EMPIRE (Mughal Raj) CONTINUES FOREVER…”

I have seen this happening in the Navy.

One “Mogul” goes – and another “Mogul” comes in his place – and instead of improving things – every new “Mogul” adds his own “killjoy contribution” to making life more painful.

I am sure this “Mogul Principle” prevails in the Army and other services – including in the civil services too.

We observe this in politics too.

So – look around and observe – in your workplace – in politics – and in the world outside.

Do you see “Animal Farms” around you…?

Isn’t the “Animal Farm Syndrome” prevalent everywhere – in politics, in civilian bureaucracy, in the military…?

Don’t you see one “Mogul” replacing another “Mogul” – and nothing much changes for you…?

Instead of improving things – doesn’t every “Mogul” add his own “killjoy contribution” to making life more painful…?

Of course – there are exceptions to the rule – but for most of the time – the “Mogul Empire” (Mughal Raj) perpetuates.

Dear Reader:

Do comment – tell us your views – and share your experiences of “Moguls” you have seen in your organisation and your life.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

Link to my original blog post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve:  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/humor-in-uniform-one-mogul-replaces.html

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

This is a revised and updated version of my story written by me Vikram Karve more than 5 years ago in 2012 and posted online earlier on this Blog Posted by Vikram Karve at 3/28/2012 10:40:00 PM at url link: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/03/one-mughal-replaces-another-mughal.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/05/mogul-principle.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/08/a-naval-yarn-one-mogul-replaces-another.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/06/mughal-raj-in-navy-mughal-paradigm.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/04/mughals-in-uniform-spoof.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/06/moguls-in-uniform-animal-farm-syndrome.html etc

Humor in Uniform – Military Dentists

May 16, 2017

This morning while I was sitting – totally terrified – in the Dentist’s Chair – I remembered this story…

“DENTISTS” in UNIFORM 

Dental Memories of a Navy Veteran

A Fictional Spoof By VIKRAM KARVE  

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: https://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/dentists-in-uniform-memories-of-my-navy.html

Disclaimer-cum-Warning:  This is a humorous spoof – satire – so read this story only if you have a “sense of humor”

“Dentists” in Uniform – Memories of My Navy Days

A few years ago – after I had retired from the Navy – a fellow Navy Veteran learnt that I was visiting a Civilian Dentist for dental treatment – so – he asked me: “Why are you going to a Civilian Dentist…?”

“It’s convenient…” I said.

“But – if you go to a Civilian Dentist – you have to pay from your own pocket. If you go to ECHS (Ex-Servicemen’s Contributory Health Scheme) – they will send you to a Military Dentist – and – you can get your dental treatment done “free of cost”…” the Navy Veteran said.

“The Civilian Dentist is located near my home – whereas the ECHS Clinic is quite far away – and – the Military Dental Centre is even further – but – convenience is not the only factor – that main reason is that – I like this particular Dentist – I am comfortable with him. In the Military – I cannot choose my Dentist – I will have to go to whomsoever Military Dentist they send me to – whether he is good or not – and – there is no continuity – next time – they may send me to someone else – especially if the earlier Dentist is posted out…”

“But if you go to a Military Dentist – it is free. If you go to a Civilian Dentist – you have to pay…”

“At my age – as a Retired Senior Citizen – for me – my comfort is more important than money…” I said to my fellow Navy Veteran, “and – let me tell you one more reason – the Civilian Dentist is trying his best to restore some of my teeth which were ruined by Military Dentists…”

Dear Reader – before I tell you about the Military Dentists who ruined some of my teeth (or removed them) – let me begin on a positive note – and – let me tell you about the best Military Dentist I came across during my long Navy Career.

Actually – she was wearing Navy Uniform at that time – but then – like all Military Doctors belong to the Army Medical Corps (AMC) – all Military Dentists belong to the Army Dental Corps (ADC) – and – just like Military Doctors are called Medical Officers – Military Dentists are called Dental Officers.

This happened around 15 years ago – when I was appointed in the premier Naval Dockyard at Mumbai.

One afternoon – while having lunch – one tooth chipped off and broke.

This hapless tooth had been “worked-on” by a Military Dentist long ago during an Annual Medical Examination (AME)

Dear Reader – let me digress a bit – and – tell you that – during the AME – we were sent to the Unit Dental Officer to get our teeth examined.

Most Dental Officers delegated this task to their Dental Assistants – called DORA (Dental Operating Room Assistants) in the Navy.

However – some “Eager–Beaver” Dentists who were keen to “hone their skills” by extensive “Hands-On” experience – would personally examine and “treat” every Officer who came for the Annual Medical Examination (AME).

I remember one such “enthusiastic” Military Dentist who probably wanted to become the best “Root Canal Therapist” in the world.

Since uniformed personnel have no choice to select their doctor/dentist – they have to visit their Unit Dentist for Dental Examination/Treatment.

Luckily (for him) – this passionate “Root Canal Therapist” was posted to a prestigious Military Training Academy – and – he was the one and only Dental Officer posted in this huge establishment with a large number of military cadets and staff under his “dental jurisdiction”

This opportunity provided this aspiring “Root Canal Therapist” plenty of “Guinea-Pigs” on whom he could experiment and hone his dental skills before he quit the Army and started a lucrative dental practice in “Civvy Street”

So – he ruthlessly “root-canalled” everyone who entered his dental clinic – and – sadly – I was one of his early “victims” when he “root-canalled” two of my teeth in quick succession when I reported for my Annual Medical Examination.

Both my teeth were ruined.

Later – one of these “experimentally root-canalled” teeth was extracted by another Military Dentist who was aspiring to be an “Extraction Specialist”.

Fortunately – the other tooth was restored by a Civilian Dentist who painstakingly performed a “re-root-canal” – and – it was only then that I realized that Root Canal Therapy was an intricate procedure involving multiple sittings – not the “shoot and scoot” type done on me earlier.

(Military Dentists are lucky – they have plenty of opportunity to “experiment” on hapless gullible “Faujis” – unlike Civilian Dentists – who run the risk of being put out of business – in case their “dental experiments” start going wrong – yes – just a few “mishaps” can affect a dentist’s reputation/practice in the highly competitive field of dental practice in the civilian world)

Coming back to Military Dentists – like “Root-Canalists” and “Extractors” – I came across a few “Drillers and Fillers” and “Cappers and Crowners” too.

Ha Ha – Yes – like the Corps of Engineers has “Sappers and Miners” – in the Army Dental Corps – we have “Cappers and Crowners” and “Drillers and Fillers”…

Maybe – it was a few of these “super-specialists” who seemed to have “worked on” the tooth which had now chipped and broken.

Anyway – I rushed to the Naval Dockyard Dental Centre with the broken tooth-piece in my hand.

There – I had expected to see the Surgeon Commander (D) who was the Officer-in-Charge (OIC) of the Dental Centre – who I feared would probably extract the damaged tooth (since he was famous as an “Extractor”…)

But instead of him – there was a pretty young girl in Naval Uniform wearing Two Stripes with Crimson in-between (a Surgeon Lieutenant)

(In the Navy – for Medical Officers – the term “Surgeon” is prefixed before the Rank – and – for Dental Officers – in addition to the prefix “Surgeon” – there is a suffix (D) in brackets)

Seeing the surprise on my face – the young Lady Surgeon Lieutenant (D) said to me: Sir – the OIC had to suddenly go on leave…”

“Oh…”

“Sir – I am officiating as the OIC Dental Centre now…”

“Have you come on Temporary Duty…?”

“No, Sir – I just reported yesterday – they have appointed me as Deputy OIC – Sir – today is my first actual day at work as a dentist…”

I had no choice but to submit myself the young dentist.

I explained my predicament and showed her my piece of tooth which had chipped off and broken.

She asked me to get onto the dental chair and she examined my damaged tooth.

“Are you going to extract the tooth…?” I asked her, fearfully.

“No, No, Sir – we will save the tooth…” she said – and – she began working on my damaged tooth.

While she was treating my tooth – she kept on talking to me – giving a “running commentary” explaining what she was doing.

Normally – I feel terrified when I sit in a dental chair – but – her “running commentary” had a soothing effect on me.

Though she was young – she was extremely dexterous and skillful – and – she repaired and restored my damaged tooth very well.

Then – she checked all my teeth – and said: “Sir – I think two more of your teeth need a bit of restoration – the fillings seem to be coming off…”

Impressed by her proficiency – I asked her: “When can you give me an appointment…?”

“Sir – you can come anytime – preferably in the afternoons…”

I got those two teeth fixed “ship-shape” by her that week itself.

I was so impressed by the young Lady Surgeon Lieutenant (D) – by her gentle dexterity and her professional skill – that I profusely praised her everywhere – even during our weekly meeting chaired by our boss.

“If the new Lady Dental Officer is really as good as you say – I must get my teeth fixed by her too…” he said.

“Yes, Sir…” I said, “She is a really good dentist – not like our “Extractor”…”

“That’s why I avoid going to the Dental Centre – all the bugger does is to extract teeth at the slightest opportunity. I have to go “out-of-station” this week – and – I will get my teeth fixed by the new Lady Dental Officer next week…” the boss said.

Sadly – he was too late.

When the boss reported to the Dental Centre – the Surgeon Commander (D) had reported back from leave and assumed duties as OIC – and – the young Lady Surgeon Lieutenant (D) was relegated back to her position as Deputy OIC.

Now – in the military – seniority is sacrosanct.

Yes – in the military – everything depends on seniority – even competence – so – ipso facto – it is assumed that the Senior is more professionally competent that the Junior (though facts may be otherwise).

So – the senior Surgeon Commander (D) – the “Extractor” – attended to Officers – whereas – the junior Lady Surgeon Lieutenant (D) – the “Restorer” – had to take care of Sailors.

So – when the boss – who was a Senior Officer – reported to the Dental Centre for treatment – he was ushered into the office of the Surgeon Commander (D) (the “Extractor)

The boss pleaded that he would like to be treated by the young “Restorer” Surgeon Lieutenant (D) – but the “Extractor” Surgeon Commander (D) refused to listen – and he said to the boss: “Sir – you are a very Senior Officer – how can I hand you over to that young inexperienced Dentist – she is only a Lieutenant – meant for junior ranks.  Sir – I will personally treat you myself…”

In the Military – the moment you enter a Clinic/Hospital – the Doctor’s word is final – so – the boss had no option but to submit himself to the “Extractor”.

One hour later – the boss emerged from the Dental Centre with one tooth less – and – a One Day “SIQ” (Sick-in-Quarter) Chit in his hand.

Yes – in the Military – visiting a Dental Centre is like playing “Roulette” – if you are lucky – you may get a “Restorer” – but – if you are not that lucky – you may land up with someone else – a “Driller and Filler” – a “Capper and Crowner” – a “Root-Canaller” – an “Extractor”– or maybe – an even more deadly “super-specialist”…

Also – when you are in military uniform – you have no choice – and – you have to report to the assigned Military Dental Centre if you have a dental problem (and for your Annual Dental Examination)

At least – after retirement – you can choose your own dentist – if you are willing to pay for it.

(Dear Reader: Hope you enjoyed this story. I am sure you will enjoy DOCTORS IN UNIFORM even more.

Here is the url link -> http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/12/humor-in-uniform-military-medicine.html )

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: https://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/dentists-in-uniform-memories-of-my-navy.html

This is a repost of my article “DENTISTS” in UNIFORM posted online by me earlier at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/dentists-in-uniform-humor-in-military.html  and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/01/21/dentists-in-uniform-humor-in-military-medicine/  and https://www.quora.com/profile/Vikram-Karve/Writing-by-VIKRAM-KARVE/Military-Humor-%E2%80%93-%E2%80%9CDoctors%E2%80%9D-in-Uniform?srid=5Hkq  andhttps://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/happy-national-dentists-day-to-all.html etc

Do You Want to “Bite” Your Husband…?

May 12, 2017

HUMOR IN MARRIAGE 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/how-to-bite-your-husband.html

HOW TO BITE YOUR HUSBAND

Disclaimer:

This is not a true story. This story is a work of fiction. Events, places, settings and incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This story is a spoof, pure fiction, satire, just for fun and humour, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

“LOVE” BITE  – A Fictional Spoof By Vikram Karve 

New Delhi (Circa 1982)

“Who bit you…? This is quite a serious bite wound. Tell me – who bit you – was it a pet dog – or a stray dog…?” the pretty nurse at the emergency OPD asked me.

“This is not a “dog bite” – it is a “human bite”…?” I said.

“Human bite…? Who bit you, Sir…?”

“My wife bit me…” I said.

Trying to suppress her laughter – the nurse said:

“Sir – I think you better show your bite wound to the Duty Medical Officer (MO)…”

“Duty MO…?”

“Sir – I know how to treat “dog bites” – but – I have never handled a “human bite” before…” the nurse said, smiling at me.

“Okay – please call him…” I said to the nurse.

“Sir – I think you better wake him up…”

“Wake him up…?”

“The Duty MO is sleeping in the office of the Commandant – it is the first room at the end of the corridor…”

“Okay – you come with me…” I said to the nurse.

So – with the nurse in tow – I walked to the office of the Commandant – and – I knocked at the door.

There was no response – so I banged at the door.

“Who the hell is it…?” an angry male voice shouted from inside.

“Emergency case…” I said.

After some time – the door opened – and – the Duty MO – a sleepy AMC Lieutenant Colonel – stood in front of me.

He was sleeping in air-conditioned comfort in the Commandant’s Office – and he was obviously miffed at being woken up from his deep sleep.

His face seemed to be familiar.

The Duty MO looked at me – and he asked me:

“You are in the Navy – aren’t you…?”

“Yes, Sir…”

“You live in Curzon Road Apartments – don’t you…?”

“Yes, Sir…”

“We see you in the lawns playing with your dog in the mornings when we have our tea in our balcony…”

“Yes, Sir…”

“So – what do you want – why the hell have you woken me up at this unearthly hour…?” the Duty MO said angrily.

“Sir – the nurse asked me to wake you up…” I said, sheepishly.

The Duty MO looked questioningly at the nurse – who was standing behind me.

“Sir – a “bite wound”…” the nurse said.

“Oh. So – your pet dog bit you…” the Duty MO said to me.

Then – the Duty MO said angrily to the nurse:

“I am sure his pet dog is vaccinated against rabies – so – just wash the wound – give him a tetanus shot – and let him go. Haven’t you been taught the basics at Nursing School…? Why the hell are you waking me up…?”

“Sir – it is not my dog…” I interrupted.

“Oh – so you were bitten by a stray dog…? Then we may have to give you “anti-rabies” vaccine…” the Duty MO said – and – he looked at the nurse.

“Sir – it is not a dog bite – it is a “human bite”…” the nurse said.

“What…? “Human Bite”…?” the Duty MO exclaimed.

Then – he looked at me and asked me:

“Who the hell bit you…?”

“My wife…” I said.

“What…? Your wife bit you…?”

“Yes, Sir…” I said – and – I showed him the bite wound on my left forearm – between my wrist and elbow.

“Bloody hell – this seems to be quite a deep wound – your wife seems to have really good teeth…” the Duty MO said.

“Yes, Sir…”

“Well – in my 20 years’ service – I have treated many “dog bite” cases – but – this is the first time I am seeing a “human bite” case…” the Duty MO said – looking at the nurse.

The nurse said to the Duty MO:

“Sir – I have already cleaned the wound with antiseptic – I will give him a tetanus shot – and – should we give him “anti-rabies” vaccine also…?”

“Why “anti-rabies”…?”

“Sir – his wife may not have been vaccinated against rabies…” the nurse said.

The Duty MO thought for a while – and then he said to me:

“I hope your wife is not “rabid” – is she…?”

“Rabid…?”

“Is your wife showing any signs of rabies – acting strangely – getting “hyper” – mood swings – foaming in the mouth…? Is she going around biting people…? Has she bitten anybody else…?”

“No, Sir – my wife is absolutely normal – I am the only person she has bitten so far…” I said.

“That’s good – but – as I said – this is my first case of “human bite” – so – it is best to take a “specialist opinion” from the “immunologist” – just to be sure…” the Duty MO said.

“Sir – you are a Doctor – why don’t you give me a tetanus shot and let me go…” I pleaded.

“You don’t try to act smart – okay…? You came here and reported to the OPD – didn’t you…? Now – you will bloody well listen to what I say. Do you understand…?”

“Sir – I thought you are a “specialist” too – since you are a Lieutenant Colonel…”

“Of course I am a “specialist” – I have specialized in “psychiatry”.  As a Psychiatrist – I can deal with you after you go crazy – but now – I am trying to prevent you from going mad. I just want to rule out the possibility of rabies – and – I am curious to know whether “anti-rabies” vaccination is required for “human bites”. Though I am a Psychiatrist – I always like to keep learning…”

The Duty MO looked at the nurse and said:

“Check in the telephone directory and get me the immunologist on the phone…”

“Sir – it is past midnight…” the nurse said.

“So what – the bugger is junior to me – just get him on the line…”

The moment he was connected – the Duty MO said to the immunologist:

“I wanted to consult you on a “human bite” case. There is a Naval Officer here – Lieutenant “K” – with a deep wound on his forearm – severe bite marks – he says that his wife bit him…”

The Duty MO listened for some time – and then – he said to me:

“You didn’t tell me that you know the immunologist – Lieutenant Colonel “X” – he says you two were drinking partners in SP Marg Mess…”

“Yes, Sir – I knew Lieutenant Colonel “X” – I knew he was a doctor – but I didn’t know he was an immunologist…”

“Do you know what Lieutenant Colonel “X” is asking me…?”

“No, Sir…”

“Your friend Lieutenant Colonel “X” wants to know whether it is a “Love Bite”…”

“It’s not a “Love Bite” – it is a bloody “Hate Bite”…” I said.

“Ha, Ha…” the Duty MO said to the immunologist, “He says that it is a “hate bite”…”

They talked “medical gobbledygook” for some time.

Then – the Duty MO put the phone down and said to me:

“No worries. Come with me – we will give you a tetanus shot and some antibiotics – and – keep the wound open – we will apply an ointment to prevent infection…”

After the “treatment” for “human bite” was over – the Duty MO took me to back to the Commandant’s Office – and he poured some coffee from his flask for both of us.

The Duty MO looked at me and said:

“Now that the “medical” treatment is over – let is deal with the “legal” aspects…”

“Legal aspects…” I said, confused.

“Yes. This is “medico-legal” case – you have been brutally bitten by your wife – I have to make out a proper report – so – you will have to tell me what happened…”

“Sir – I was sleeping – and – my wife bit me…”

“Is she crazy…? She just bites you without any provocation…? I think you better send her to me. After all – I am a psychiatrist – and we hardly have any patients…”

“No, Sir – she is not crazy. It is not her fault. I had too much to drink – and I was fast asleep…”

“And she wanted to…?”

“No, Sir – it is not that. The power supply tripped – so – our air-cooler stopped – and it became very hot in the room. My wife woke up and she could not sleep due to the heat – so she wanted to wake me up – but I was fast asleep in my drunken state – so – I didn’t get up – and – she got angry…”

“So – she bit you…”

“No, Sir – it was not only due to that. She realized that the lights had gone off only in our flat – so she wanted me to go out and set right the MCB which had tripped – the MCB is located outside the flat near the lift – so – she was trying to wake me up – and – when I didn’t respond – she bit me on my hand…”

“And then…?”

“I was jolted out of my sleep – and – I went and set right the MCB – and – the lights came on – the cooler started working – and – my wife went to sleep…”

“And then – you came here to the hospital emergency OPD…?”

“No, Sir – I saw that the bite wound was quite serious – so – I quietly came out of my flat and woke up my neighbour – he also thought that my dog had bitten me – so – he took me to a “Vet” who lives on the same floor…”

“Ha Ha – he took you to a “Vet”…?”

“Sir – no one believed that my wife had bitten me. I convinced them with great difficulty – and – the “Vet” said that I better show my wound to a doctor quickly – before it gets infected – so – I came here on my scooter…”

“You should have called the ambulance. Could you ride your scooter properly…?”

“Sir, my left hand was paining a bit – but – I managed to drive the scooter…”

“A real “Tall Story”…” the Duty MO said, “anyway – you write down whatever you just said – sign it – and give it to me – so I can file the “medico-legal” report…”

I did as the Duty MO said – and – by the time I reached home – it was 3 AM.

Using the latch-key – I quietly entered our one room apartment on the 7th floor.

My darling wife was fast asleep – oblivious of my arrival.

The cool air from the air-cooler was so soothing – that – within minutes – I fell asleep next to her.

Next morning – my wife seemed quite contrite:

“How is your hand…? I am sorry…”

“It is okay – my hand is okay…”

“Do you want to show it to the doctor…?” she asked.

Thanks to her deep sleep – it was evident that she did not know that I had gone to the Military Hospital at night.

Now – I only had to tell my neighbour and the “Vet” to keep quiet about the whole episode – and the matter would be forgotten.

But – Dear Reader – you know how vibrant the “grapevine” is – and – it is impossible to keep such “juicy” gossip under wraps.

Coincidentally – the Duty MO (Psychiatrist) who had treated me – he lived in Curzon Road Apartments too.

And – next morning – he told the entire “husband biting” story to his wife – when they saw me playing with my dog in the lawns of Curzon Road Apartments from their balcony.

The “husband biting” news spread like wildfire – with everyone adding their own spicy “masala”.

Wherever we went – everyone gave us canny looks.

After all – we were a curious couple:

The “biting” Wife – and – the “bitten” Husband…” 

The ladies looked at my wife with admiration (secretly wishing they could “bite” their husbands too)

The men sniggered at me with ridicule (but inwardly scared that their wives may get emboldened to “bite” them too)

EPILOGUE

A few days later – my boss called me to his office.

He threw a file in front of me.

I opened the file.

On the right hand side was the “written statement” – on The “biting” wife and the “bitten” husband” episode – it was the same statement that I had given to the Duty MO.

On the left hand side was a “noting sheet”.

I was flabbergasted.

The buggers had initiated a “medico-legal” case.

“Sir – what is all this…?” I asked my boss.

“Well – they want to know if you wish to file a complaint against your wife for “biting” you and causing you bodily injury…”

“Of course not – No Sir – I don’t wish to file any complaint – I want this whole embarrassing matter closed…”

“Okay – you write it down there on the noting sheet and give me the file…” my boss said.

After I had given the file back to my boss – my boss said to me:

“I have seen plenty of “wife beating” cases – but – this is the first time I am seeing a “husband biting” case….”

PS:

Dear Reader – in case you meet me – please don’t ask me what caused the scar on my left hand – on my forearm – between my wrist and elbow…!!!

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/how-to-bite-your-husband.html

This is a re-post of my story “LOVE” BITE written by me on 01 April 2017 and posted on this Academic and Creative Writing Journal blog and my other creative writing blogs at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/04/love-bite-story-for-april-fools-day.html  and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/04/01/love-bite-story-of-a-biting-wife-and-the-bitten-husband/ etc

How to Reminisce : Forget the Grief – Remember the Fun

May 11, 2017

Some friends ask me why I always write about (and talk about) only my happy memories in the Navy.

Here is my answer:

HOW TO REMINISCE

Navy Philosophy

FORGET THE GRIEF – REMEMBER THE FUN

Ramblings of a Retired Navy Veteran By Vikram Karve 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/03/how-to-remember-past.html

NAVY STYLE PHILOSOPHICAL APPROACH TO LIFE

Long back – many years ago – I watched an old Black and White Movie called:  ACTION IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC

The film – ACTION IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC – produced in 1943 – stars the inimitable Humphrey Bogart – and is a story of the war at sea during the World War II.

The thrilling movie depicts the bravery and adventure of Naval Officers and Sailors on a Merchant Navy Ship during World War 2.

The merchant ships – sailing in a convoy – are sailing from Halifax in Canada – to Murmansk in Russia – carrying vital war material.

The convoy of merchant ships is pursued by German Submarines (a Wolf-pack).

There is one dialogue in this movie that attracted my attention – and this quote remained etched in my memory even after the movie was over.

The quote was:

“The difference between you and me – Skipper – is that – You Remember the Grief but I Remember the Fun”

After I saw the movie, for a long time that evening, during my evening walk – I let the quote perambulate in my mind.

“You Remember the GRIEF –  but –  I Remember the FUN

The more I thought about it – the more it made sense – and the more meaningful and insightful these simple words seemed to me.

In the movie – there is a scene on a dark and gloomy night – as the warship sails on treacherous seas with the dangerous enemy lurking below.

Humphrey Bogart – who is the Chief Officer of the Merchant Ship – and his Captain – are standing in the Bridge-Wings – reminiscing and discussing their time on an earlier ship which was sunk by enemy torpedoes.

The Captain keeps talking about the tough hazardous times they had when their convoys were attacked – and he keeps recalling various tragedies and misfortunes.

On the other hand – the Chief Officer talks about all the fun, frolic, flirting and enjoyment he has had during his tenure on the same ship – and he describes his delightful amorous peccadilloes and escapades in various ports.

The Captain berates the Chief Officer.

The Captain asks the Chief Officer how he can be so frivolous and merry in a dangerous and grim wartime situation.

The Chief Officer (Humphrey Bogart) replies:

“The difference between you and me, Skipper, is that you remember the grief but I remember the fun.”

Tell me – Dear Reader:

When you recollect your past:

Are the recollections happy and pleasing…?

Or – are your recollections of the past sad and unpleasant…?

FORGET THE GRIEF – REMEMBER THE FUN

Let’s do an experiment.

Close your eyes and think of your childhood – what comes to your mind – what predominates – happy memories – or sad moments?

Reminisce about each phase of your past life – your early years, school, college, career, marriage, your middle age, until now – and examine your recollections – pleasant memories – and the not-so-pleasant memories.

Yes – you will have Two Types of Memories:

  1. Pleasant (Happy) Memories
  1. Not-so-pleasant (unhappy) Memories

(When I hark back to my Childhood, my school and college days, my Navy Days – I too have both types of memories – Happy Memories and Not-so-happy Memories)

Now remember the dialogue from the movie (Action in the North Atlantic) spoken by the Chief Officer (Humphrey Bogart) to his Captain:

“The difference between you and me, Skipper, is that you remember the grief but I remember the fun.” 

“You Remember the GRIEF –  but –  I Remember the FUN…”

Now – you know how to handle your memories.

Like Humphrey Bogart said – REMEMBER THE FUN.

So – just forget and blank out all the sad and unpleasant memories of your past – and remember the joyful pleasant moments.

Hark back to happy memories and joyful reminiscences which evoke a smile on your lips.

Erase from your brain all traces of your past grief.

Forget the “bad guys” – who harmed you and caused you misery.

Remember the “good guys” – who added value to your life and gave you joy.

Forget all unpleasant memories.

Remember all happy memories.

Yes – from now on let this be your leitmotif:

FORGET THE GRIEF – and just – REMEMBER THE FUN 

Yes – whenever you think about your past and reminisce:

Forget the Grief – Remember the Fun

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/03/how-to-remember-past.html

Updated Version of my Article First Posted by me Vikram Karve in this blog at 6/30/2012 11:59:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/06/forget-grief-and-remember-fun.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/10/how-to-reminisce-navy-philosophy-forget.html   etc

Parenting – Forgotten Baby Syndrome – FBS

May 10, 2017

FORGOTTEN BABY SYNDROME (FBS) 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/forgotten-baby-syndrome-fbs.html

BABY AND CHILD CARE

A Story By Vikram Karve

This happened 32 years ago – in mid-1985.

I was newly posted as an Instructor (“Directing Staff” – in “Pongo” jargon) at IAT Girinagar Pune – which – in those days – was the premier inter-service advanced technology training institution.

On my very first evening – I set off on a long walk in the beautiful verdant campus nestled in the hills.

On the way – I noticed a pram (perambulator) – with a baby inside.

The baby was around one year old.

The baby was sitting inside the pram.

The pram was unattended.

It was the height of summer – and – the hot sun was shining brightly – directly on the baby.

Yes – the baby’s face was exposed to the bright sun.

The baby’s face had become red – and – the baby’s eyes were cringed with irritation.

The baby was crying due to discomfort.

I moved the pram into the shade – and – I looked around.

I saw a group of maids chatting nearby.

I called out to them.

A woman came running.

It was obvious the she was the “ayah” responsible for looking after the baby.

I admonished the maid for leaving the baby unattended in the hot sun.

Well – “admonish” may be a mild word – I shouted at the maid – and – I gave her a severe scolding for neglecting her duties and leaving the baby all alone in the hot sun.

I told the maid to take the baby home – and I waited – till the maid walked away with the pram.

Thereafter – I proceeded on a long evening walk.

On the way back – I stopped off the Officers’ Mess Library to browse magazines.

Then – I had a couple of drinks in the Bar.

I returned home in “high spirits” at around 8 PM.

The door was open.

I walked in.

I saw a beautiful woman sitting inside holding a baby in her arms.

I recognized the baby – it was the same baby who was left in the hot sun by her maid.

So – this was the mother of the baby who I had rescued from the hot sun.

I thought the lady had come to thank me for my good deed.

But – that lady had not come to thank me.

Yes – the mother of the baby had not come to thank me.

The mother of the baby was annoyed with me – and – she had come to “caution” me.

“Why did you shout at my maid…?” the lady asked me angrily.

“Your “ayah” had left the baby all alone in the hot sun…” I said.

“There was no need to shout at my maid…”

“But – your baby was crying – your baby was feeling uncomfortable in the hot sun – and your maid was chatting away…”

“That’s none of your business – it is my baby and I will see what to do. Do you know – all because of you – my maid so upset – that – she is threatening to leave me…”

“You should sack her for being negligent in her duties and not looking after your baby properly…”

“Oh. You want me to sack my maid…? And – what should I do…? Should I quit my job and sit at home all day to look after my child…?”

I was about to say: “Yes – you should quit your job and look after your baby yourself instead of outsourcing baby-care to a maid…”

But – before I could say anything – luckily – my wife came out of the kitchen carrying a tray with two cups of coffee.

With her eyes – my wife motioned me to remain silent.

The lady kept her baby on the sofa beside her.

Then – the lady said to my wife:

“Please tell your husband not to shout at my maid again. I have a full-time job – I leave my house at 9 in the morning and I come back after 6 in the evening – I am totally dependent on my maid for looking after my baby – so – if my maid quits – I will be in a big problem – I am sure you know how difficult it is to get a full-time maid…”

Once again – I was tempted to tell the lady: “Why don’t you quit your job and look after your baby yourself…? Why are you handing over your baby to a maid…?”

But – I saw my wife desperately signalling to me to keep my mouth shut.

It was clear that my wife had guessed what I wanted to say – so – she was signalling to me to keep my mouth shut.

My wife said to the lady:

“I am sorry for the trouble – in future – my husband will mind his own business…”

I went inside.

When I came out – the lady with the baby had left.

“She is a funny woman – her maid was neglecting the baby and had kept the pram in the hot sun – I did a good deed by scolding the maid – and – instead of thanking me – the baby’s mother is annoyed with me…” I said to my wife.

“Try to understand – she is a “career woman” – she has to work “full-time” all-day at the office – so – she needs someone to look after her baby…” my wife said.

“Why do women have babies if they don’t want to look after them…?”

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/forgotten-baby-syndrome-fbs.html

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 Revised Version on my story BABY AND CHILD CARE posted online earlier in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog on January 9, 2017 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/baby-and-child-care.html

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