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HUMOR IN UNIFORM
TRANSFER ON “PASSIONATE” GROUNDS
SPOOF BY VIKRAM KARVE
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Humor in Uniform
Transfer on “Passionate” Grounds
Story by Vikram Karve
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TRANSFER ON “PASSIONATE” GROUNDS
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The Commanding Officer (CO) – an old “Sea Dog” – looks angrily at the young Lieutenant sitting in front of him.
Then – the Commanding Officer (CO) shouts at the Lieutenant:
“Are you crazy or something…?
In my long Naval service – I have seen many Officers and Sailors requesting a transfer on “compassionate” grounds.
But – I have never heard a Naval Officer or Sailor requesting transfer on “passionate” grounds…”
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Dear Reader:
If you have served in the Defence Services or Civil Services or in any Govt Organisation – you must have heard of of a provision for transfer on “compassionate” grounds.
But:
Have you heard of transfer on “passionate” grounds…?
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Here is the story of how the young Lieutenant got a transfer on “passionate” grounds…”
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TRANSFER ON “PASSIONATE” GROUNDS
Story By Vikram Karve
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Place:
Office of the Commanding Officer (CO) of a “Stone Frigate” (Navy Shore Establishment)
Time:
This Story happened around 47 years ago – Circa 1970’s
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NB:
During the time of this story in the 1970’s – after you were commissioned as a Navy Officer – you became a Lieutenant after 3 years – and – you remained in the rank of Lieutenant for 8 long years before you were promoted to Lieutenant Commander – so it took you 11 years of commissioned service to become a Lieutenant Commander.
The protagonist of this story is an officer in his late 20’s – an officer who has spent around 4 years in the rank of Lieutenant – a Naval Officer with around 7 years commissioned service.
Dear Reader – in the 1970’s – Commander was a senior rank – a select list rank – an officer became a Commander in his late 30’s – after around 16 to 17 years service – and – if selected – he became a Captain after completing more than 20 to 21 years of service.
Later – in 2004 – I think – the AVSC Cadre Review Bonanza changed everything.
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TRANSFER ON “PASSIONATE” GROUNDS
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PART 1 – THE INTERVIEW
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The Commanding Officer (CO) of the “Stone Frigate” – a Commander – he looks at the Lieutenant – sitting in front of him.
Then – the Commander (CO) speaks to the Lieutenant.
“You have sought a personal interview with me…?” the Commander (CO) asks the Lieutenant.
“Yes, Sir…” the Lieutenant says.
“You refused to discuss the matter with the Executive Officer (XO) – you told the XO that you would discuss the matter only with me…” the Commander (CO) says.
“Yes, Sir…”
“Do you have a personal complaint against the Executive Officer…?” the Commander (CO) says.
“No, Sir…” the Lieutenant says.
“Then – what is the issue that you can’t discuss with him and come to me through proper channel…? Why do you want to bypass the chain of command…?” the Commander (CO) says.
“Sir – the matter is “delicate” in nature…” the Lieutenant says.
“What the hell do you mean “delicate in nature” – there is nothing bloody “delicate” in the Navy…” the Commander (CO) says, raising his voice.
“Sir – please hear me out…” the Lieutenant says.
“Okay – be brief – I haven’t got all day…” the CO says.
“Sir – I want an immediate transfer out of this place…” the Lieutenant says.
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The CO looks at the Lieutenant and says:
“No one wants to come to this remote “Kala Pani” – in the middle of the ocean.
Every bugger who is posted here to the “islands” – first – he tries to avoid coming here by pulling strings to get his appointment cancelled.
And – if that doesn’t work – and he lands up here – the moment he arrives – he starts putting up applications for transfer – because he wants to get out of here as fast as possible…”
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But – the Lieutenant is not convinced and he persists in his request for transfer.
“Sir – I have been here for a long time…” the Lieutenant says.
“You have spent only six months here…” the Commander (CO) says.
“No, Sir – I have completed more than two years over here in “Kala Pani”…” the Lieutenant says.
“What…? You have spent two years in the islands…?” the Commander (CO) says.
“Yes, Sir – I have been here for more than two years here. Sir – before reporting to this establishment – I spent more than one and half years on a ship based over here…” the Lieutenant says.
“That doesn’t matter. I have taken over command of this establishment only a few days ago…”
“Sir – that is the reason I want to be transferred out…” the Lieutenant says.
“What…? Are you saying that you want to be transferred out of this establishment only because I have taken over as the Commanding Officer…?” the Commander (CO) says.
“Yes, Sir…” the Lieutenant says.
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The CO is surprised on hearing that the Lieutenant doesn’t want to serve under his command.
So – the CO asks the Lieutenant:
“What are you saying…?
You don’t want to serve under my command…?
This is the first time someone has said that he does not want to serve under my command – and – I am very upset – because I pride myself as a good Commanding Officer.
Young man – let me assure you – I may be a hard taskmaster as far as work is concerned – but I have never harmed anyone’s career.
In fact – I give “thumping” appraisal reports – so – you don’t worry about your ACR…”
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After saying these words – the Commander (CO) looks at the Lieutenant – hoping that the Lieutenant would be convinced.
But – the Lieutenant persists.
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“Sir – it is not that…” the Lieutenant says.
“Then – what is it…?” the Commander (CO) says.
“Sir – I told you – it is a very “delicate” matter – so – I don’t wish to discuss it…” the Lieutenant says.
“You don’t worry – I will be very “discreet” about it – whatever you say to me – it stays within the four walls of my office. Do you understand…?” the Commander (CO) says to the Lieutenant.
The Lieutenant remains silent.
He seems reluctant to speak.
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So – the Commander (CO) says to him:
“Come on – speak up – why do you want a transfer out of this place…?”
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The Lieutenant seems reluctant to tell the Commander (CO) the reason why he wants a transfer.
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“Sir – I don’t wish to tell you the reason…” the Lieutenant says.
“Let me make it clear – if you want me to forward your application – you will have to tell me the exact reason why you want transfer out from this place. Tell me – on what grounds do you want transfer…? It seems to me that you want transfer on “compassionate” grounds…” the Commander (CO) says.
“Sir – I want transfer on “passionate” grounds…” the Lieutenant says.
“What…? You want transfer on “passionate” grounds…?” the CO asks him, curious.
“Yes, Sir…” the Lieutenant says.
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The Commander (CO) looks at the Lieutenant and says to him:
“Are you crazy or something…?
In my long Naval service – I have seen many Officers and Sailors requesting a transfer on “compassionate” grounds.
But – I have never heard a Naval Officer or Sailor requesting transfer on “passionate” grounds.
Could you please elaborate what these “passionate” grounds are…?”
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On hearing these words spoken by the Commander (CO) – the Lieutenant speaks reluctantly.
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“Sir – a woman is in love with me…” the Lieutenant says.
“Oh – I knew it would be a “matter of the heart”. So – this “girlfriend” of yours – she is on the “mainland” – is it…? And – you are desperate to be close to her over there. Where is this girlfriend – Mumbai, Vizag, Cochin, Delhi…? Please tell me – so I can recommend accordingly…” the Commander (CO) says sarcastically.
“Sir – the lady is over here…” the Lieutenant says to the Commander (CO).
“Oh – your “Girlfriend” is a “Lady” – a “Lady-Love” to be precise…!!! So – your “Lady-Love” is over here – on the islands…? So – what is the problem…? You should be happy to be with her over here – isn’t it…?” the Commander (CO) says.
“Sir – it’s not that…” the Lieutenant says.
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The Commander (CO) looks at the Lieutenant and says:
“Ah – now I understand.
You said that “a woman is in love with me”.
This means that “you are not in love with her”.
So – you want to “dump” her.
And – the best way to dump her – is for you to escape from here to the mainland – and never come back.
So – that’s why you want to be transferred out from here – isn’t it…?”
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The Commander (CO) looks questioningly at the Lieutenant.
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The Lieutenant says to the Commander (CO):
“Sir – I am also in love with the lady – we both are in love with each other…”
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“Really…? You both are in love with each other…? So what’s the problem…? You should want to stay here forever – so that you can have a good time with your “Lady-Love”…” the Commander (CO) says to the Lieutenant.
“Sir – she is married…” the Lieutenant says.
“Oh…!!! Well – you have certainly managed to keep your “Affair” discreet. No one seems to know about your “Love Affair” – at least – no one in the Navy seems to know…” the Commander (CO) says – mischievously.
“Sir – please don’t say such things…” the Lieutenant says to the Commander (CO).
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The Commander (CO) says to the Lieutenant:
“Well – as far as I am concerned – it is your personal affair – so – you can have a “good time” with your “Lady-Love” – as long as you can keep your “affair” discreet.
Tell me – this “Lady-Love” of yours – her husband – he must be living away on the mainland – so she feels “lonely” over here in the islands – and she finds “solace” in your arms…”
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Seeing the Commander’s curiosity – the Lieutenant knows he will have to tell the Commander (CO) some more details.
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“Sir – her husband is living with her – right here in the islands – in this very place…” the Lieutenant says.
“Oh…? Then – you must be very careful. I don’t want an angry cuckolded husband knocking at my door…” the Commander (CO) says.
“Sir – please listen…” the Lieutenant says
“Ah – one more thing – I hope your ladylove’s husband is not in the Navy…” the Commander (CO) says.
“Sir – her husband is in the Navy…” the Lieutenant says.
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On hearing this – the Commander (CO) looks angrily at the Lieutenant and says in a stern voice:
“What…?
Your Lady-Love is a Naval Officer’s Wife…?
You are having an “affair” with a Naval Officer’s Wife…?
Then – you must stop your love affair at once.
I don’t want a “stealing the affection of a brother officer’s wife” scandal under my command.
Do you understand…?
By the way – for how long is this “love affair” of yours going on…?
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The Lieutenant says to the Commander (CO):
“Sir – there is no “affair” – the “lady” has just come here recently…”
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The Commander (CO) exclaims:
“What…?
She has come here only recently…?
Who is she…?”
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The Lieutenant says to the Commander (CO):
“Sir – she was my classmate in college – my ex-girlfriend – we were very close – we had a very “intimate” relationship.
Then – I joined the Navy – and we lost contact.
I was surprised to see her over here in the Club last evening.
But – she told me that she knew that I was posted here in the islands.
She told me that she is still in love with me – and – she “propositioned” me.
Let me be frank, Sir – I still have feelings for her – and it will be difficult for me to resist the temptation.
After all – she is an “old flame” of mine.
And – just a “spark” could “rekindle” old flames.
So – it would be best for me to go away from here…”
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The Commander (CO) looks thoughtfully at the Lieutenant and says:
“I get your point.
“Prevention” is better than “Cure”.
I can’t afford a “stealing affections” scandal under my command.
I am in the promotion zone.
If anything goes wrong under my command – it will be the end of my Navy career…”
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After saying this – the Commander (CO) seems to be absorbed in thought.
There is silence.
So – the Lieutenant decides to speak and break the silence.
“Sir – when will I get my transfer order…? I want to go away as early as possible. Do you want me to submit a formal application…?” the Lieutenant says to the Commander (CO).
“You don’t worry – I will get it done unofficially. Tell me – given a choice – where would you like to go…?” the Commander (CO) says.
“Sir – if possible – I would like to go to Mumbai…” the Lieutenant says.
“Okay – I will try to get you transferred to Mumbai…” the Commander (CO) says.
“Thank you, Sir…” the Lieutenant says.
“Before you go – you tell me one thing – who is this “old flame” who “propositioned” you last evening in the club – who is she – you will have to tell me her name – your ex-girlfriend – your “Lady-Love” – with whom you had a very “intimate” relationship – tell me – who is this lady…?” the Commander (CO) says to the Lieutenant
“Sir – please don’t ask me who this lady is – I can’t tell you her name – it’s a question of her honour – she is married now – and that too – she is married to a Naval Officer…” the Lieutenant says.
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But – the Commander (CO) insists and says to the Lieutenant:
“You will have to tell me her name – the Admiral may ask me – so – I must know the name.
But – you don’t worry – we will keep it in the strictest confidence…”
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The Lieutenant looks hesitant.
“Please, Sir…” the Lieutenant pleads, “I can’t tell you her name…”
“No. You will have to tell me her name. If you want me to expedite your transfer case – you will have to tell me her name…” the Commander (CO) says to the Lieutenant.
“Sir – I thought you would have guessed her name by now…” the Lieutenant says to the Commander (CO).
“Who…?” the Commander (CO) asks.
“Your wife…” the Lieutenant says.
“What…? My wife…? She was your girlfriend…?” the Commander (CO) says, stunned.
“Yes, Sir – your wife and I – we were classmates in college. Yes, Sir – I was a classmate of your wife in college. Didn’t she tell you…?” the Lieutenant says to the Commander (CO).
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After saying this – the Lieutenant looks at the expression on the Commander’s face.
And – the Lieutenant realises that is best to beat a hasty retreat.
So – the Lieutenant gets up – puts on his cap – salutes the Commander – and he walks out of the CO’s Office.
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TRANSFER ON “PASSIONATE” GROUNDS
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PART 2 – THE COMMANDER (CO)
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After the Lieutenant has left – the CO – the recently married Commander – he sits alone in his office.
The Commander (CO) ponders – and – he says to himself:
“Why did my wife not tell me about all this – that this Lieutenant was her classmate – and that they were in love with each other…?
What did the Lieutenant mean when he said that they had an “intimate relationship”…?
Was the Lieutenant her only “flame”…?
Or – did she have many “affairs”…?
What other things from her past life has my wife hidden from me…?
Did I make a mistake in marrying a girl 11 years younger than me…?
And – why did she agree to marry me – a man 11 years older than her…?
Why didn’t she marry someone her age…?
Couldn’t she find a younger husband than me…?
Is it something to do with her character…?
Is she a “nympho” or something…?”
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All sorts of suspicious thoughts perambulate in the Commander’s mind.
“I must be careful. I must keep a close watch on my wife…” the Commander says to himself.
Then – the Commander picks up the phone and tells his PA to book a trunk-call to his friend in Naval Headquarters.
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TRANSFER ON “PASSIONATE” GROUNDS
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PART 3 – THE LIEUTENANT
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Next morning – while waiting at the airport to board his flight to the mainland on his way to Mumbai – the Lieutenant feels a wicked sort of happiness – as he thinks of the Commander’s wife (the Lieutenant’s ex-girlfriend).
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The Lieutenant says to himself:
“I have taken my revenge against her for “dumping” me so cruelly.
Her husband – the old bugger – he swallowed my story “hook, line and sinker”.
I have sown the “seed of suspicion” in his mind forever – so he will always suspect his wife – and she will never be happy in her marriage.
I have “slam-dunked” her nicely – good and proper…”
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And soon – the Lieutenant sits happily in the aircraft – on his way to his choice posting – Mumbai.
The Lieutenant feels good.
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TWO “BIRDS” : ONE “STONE”
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To put it metaphorically – he has “killed two birds with one stone”.
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1. He has taken “revenge” against his ex-girlfriend who “dumped” him.
2. He has managed to “escape” from “Kala Pani” and got a choice transfer to Mumbai.
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Yes – indeed – he has “killed two birds with one stone”.
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VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
Disclaimer:
- This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
- All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
- E&OE
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Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)
Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: https://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/08/a-passionate-slam-dunk.html
Link to my repost in my Writing Blog: https://karve.wordpress.com/2020/04/20/a-passionate-slam-dunk/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/11/27/how-to-kill-two-birds-with-one-stone/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/05/27/humor-transfer-on-passionate-grounds/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/08/30/hook-line-and-sinker/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2020/10/27/humor-in-uniform-transfer-on-passionate-grounds/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2021/02/06/slam-dunk-hook-line-and-sinker/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2021/06/14/transfer-on-passionate-grounds/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2021/10/26/hook-line-and-sinker-3/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2022/03/23/how-to-get-a-transfer-on-passionate-grounds/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2023/02/05/two-birds-one-stone/ etc
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.
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Vikram Karve 