Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

THE “RUM” NAVY 

Some friends asked me why Rum is associated with the Navy (or why Navy is associated with Rum).

So – I thought it apt to write a few blog posts on the close relationship between Navy and Rum – the Sailor’s favourite drink.

Here is the first article…

THE “RUM” NAVY – A “TOT” OF RUM by Vikram Karve

Sailors require significant quantities of fresh water on extended voyages.

In the early days of sailing – since desalinating sea water was not practical – fresh water was taken on board in casks.

But – this stored fresh water quickly developed algae and became slimy.

The stagnant water was sweetened with beer or wine to make it palatable – which involved more casks and stowage space.

However – even this beer/wine fortified water was vulnerable to spoilage and turned into vinegar.

So – beer was carried instead of fresh water – and – each sailor was issued a daily ration of beer of “One Gallon of Beer per day” (Four and a Half Litres of Beer).

As longer voyages became more common – the Beer Ration of One Gallon (4.5 Litres) of Beer per sailor per day – for a large number of sailors – for long voyages of many days – this Beer Ration occupied a large volume – and – the task of stowage became more and more difficult.

So – Beer was substituted with Rum.

Rum was a “spirit” and did not spoil with time – in fact – the Rum improved with ageing in the oak barrels where the Rum was stored on board ships.

THE “RUM” NAVY 

A “TOT” OF RUM

Musings of a Navy Veteran By Vikram Karve

“Rum Ration” was issued to Royal Navy Sailors from 1665 – after Britain captured Jamaica.

Before the advent of Rum – the daily drink ration for a Royal Navy Sailor was One Gallon of Beer – yes – one gallon or 8 Pints of Beer – which amounts to a plentiful 4.5 Litres of Beer…!!!

Due to the difficulty in storing the large quantities of Beer on board ships – in 1655 – half a pint (around 300 ml) of Rum was made equivalent to One Gallon of Beer – and Rum was issued to Sailors in lieu of Beer.

The daily Rum Ration of Half a Pint (almost 300 ml) means around Five Large Pegs of today’s standard Large Peg Measure of 60 ml (or 10 Small Pegs of 30 ml).

The half pint (300 ml) of Rum was originally issued neat.

Sailors would check their rum had not been watered down by pouring it onto gunpowder and setting light to it, from where the term “proof” originates.

By volume – 57.15% alcohol has been calculated as the minimum required for it to pass the test.

The sailors would “prove” its strength by checking that gunpowder doused with rum would still burn – thus verifying that Rum was at least 100 Proof = 57.15 % Alcohol by Volume (ABV) or more.

A small quantity of Rum would be mixed with gunpowder (gunpowder was available on warships of those days which fired gunpowder propelled “shots” from cannons).

The Rum-Gunpowder Mixture would be ignited.

If the mixture burned with a steady blue flame – this was “proof” that the Rum contained the proper amount of alcohol (57.15% ABV [Alcohol by Volume]).

(The term “Proof” has originated from this practice of Sailors “testing” the strength of their Rum by pouring it onto gunpowder and setting light to the mixture.

By volume – 57.15% alcohol has been calculated as the minimum required for it to pass the test – as gunpowder would not burn if soaked in rum that contained less than 57.15% ABV.

Rum that contained this percentage of alcohol was defined as having 100 degrees proof.

So – 100 Proof means 57.15% Alcohol by Volume.

Now – the term “Proof” has been extended to other spirits like Whisky, Brandy, Vodka, Gin etc as well.

The gunpowder test was officially replaced by a specific-gravity test in 1816…)

Thus – the Navy “Tot” was a substantial amount of 300 ml (10 Small Pegs) of strong 100 Proof Rum (57.1% Alcohol by Volume).

(NB: This article uses the British Imperial (UK) System. The American Standards of Proof (ABV) are different. Whereas the Imperial UK 100 Proof = 57.15% Alcohol by Volume – the American US 100 Proof = 50% Alcohol by Volume. In India we follow the British System)

100 Proof Rum was quite strong – so – later – the strength of the Rum was reduced from 100 Proof to 95.5 Proof [54.6 % Alcohol by Volume (ABV)] (American US 109 Proof)

(Present Day Rums available in India are much weaker at 75 Proof (42.8% Alcohol by Volume)

So – effectively:

One “Tot” of 100 Proof Rum was equivalent to 400 ml of Present Day 75 Proof Rum or 13.5 Small Pegs or Half a Bottle of Rum

– as we know it)

The 300 ml “Tot” of Rum was given to Sailors “Neat” and the sailors drank the “Tot” of Rum “down-the-hatch” in one go.

Imagine drinking “Half a Bottle” of Rum straight “down-the-hatch”.

(Dear Reader – try it – open a bottle of Rum – put it to your lips – and drink half the bottle in one go – straight “down-the-hatch – and tell me how you feel. Now wonder – the sailors are known to be hard drinkers)

The “Rum Ration” was issued to every sailor at mid-day (between 11 AM and 12 Noon) and this Rum Ration was announced with the pipe (Bosun’s Call) “Up Spirits” – on hearing which – the  Sailors would exclaim “Stand Fast the Holy Ghost” – and rush to queue for their “Tot” of Rum.

The Rum Ration was served from a barrel also known as the “Rum Tub” made of oak and ornately decorated and reinforced with brass bands with the brass letters saying “The Queen, God Bless Her”.

Tot “tumblers” were kept separate – and they were never washed from the inside – in the belief that the residue from previous “Tots” would make the subsequent “Tots” even stronger.

The “Tot” of Rum was consumed as soon as it was issued – straight “down the hatch”.

This style of drinking “Tots” – the massive sudden intake of incredibly strong Rum – caused discipline problems due to drunk and disorderly behavior of some sailors who could not “digest” the huge “Tot” of Rum.

Also – some hard-drinking sailors “bartered” Rum Rations from others and hoarded the Rum below decks to drink and this caused drunkenness and disorder below the decks.

As drunkenness on board Naval Ships increasingly became a problem – in 1740 – Admiral Edward Vernon ordered the Rum Ration of One “Tot” (300 ml of Rum) for Junior Sailors to be diluted with two parts of water to make it 900 ml of Rum-Water Mixture.

Also – the Rum Issue was split into two servings per day – one at mid-day before lunch and the other after work in the evening.

Admiral Vernon was nicknamed as “Old Grog” – because of his habitual waterproof Grogram Cloak which he always wore on board ship.

So – the diluted Rum Ration introduced by Admiral “Old Grog” Vernon was nicknamed as “GROG”.

Admiral “Old Grog” Vernon opined:

“The pernicious custom of the seamen drinking their allowance of rum in drams and often at once is attended with many fatal consequences to their morals as well as their health…many of their lives shortened thereby…besides stupefying their rational qualities which makes them heedlessly slaves to every brutish passion…”

On August 21, 1740, Admiral “Old Grog” Vernon issued his “infamous” Order No. 349 to Captains which stated inter alia:

“The Rum should be every day mixed with the proportion of a quart of water to a half pint of rum, to be mixed in a scuttled butt kept for that purpose, and to be done on the deck, and in the presence of the Lieutenant of the Watch who is to take particular care to see that the men are not defrauded in having their full allowance of rum…and let those that are good husband men receive extra lime juice and sugar that it be made more palatable to them…”  

The addition of lime and sugar was prevent scurvy which was prevalent among sailors due to “Vitamin C” deficiency during long sailings.

(The “Lime” in the “Grog” may be the origin of the term “Limey” to describe an Englishman)

However – this dilution of Rum with water was not appreciated by the hard-drinking sailors.

So – to express their displeasure – the sailors christened the weakened beverage “Grog” after the Admiral who was known as “Old Grog”.

However – Senior Sailors (Petty Officer and above) still received their “Tot” of Rum neat – straight from the barrel – whereas “Junior Sailors” were issued the “Grog”.

Yes – the “Petty Officers” were served first and were entitled to take their rum undiluted – whereas the “Ratings” drank their “grog” in one long gulp

Later – “Pusser’s Rum” – created in 1784 – and approved by the Admiralty – was a popular brand of Rum – available only in the Navy.

Pusser’s Rum was a blend of 3 Rums from Guyana and 2 Rums from Trinidad, blended by traditional techniques and matured for 3 years in barrels, before bottling.

Rum was safely stored on board ships in the hold (below decks) – with an armed Royal Marine on guard round the clock.

Dear Reader – I will end this “Rum Tale” here – but post some more Navy “Rum Tales” in subsequent blog posts – and tell you more about the “Rum Bum Lash” Navy.

Meanwhile – if you are a Rum “aficionado” – Pusser’s Black Label Rum is arguably as close as you can get to drinking what the Royal Navy Sailor once drank.

This “Gunpowder Proof” Rum is supposed to be 95.5 proof (54.6 % Alcohol by Volume (ABV)) (US 109 Proof) – which was issued to the Sailors in the “Grog” after 1740 – a little less strong than the original “100 Proof” Rum (57.15% ABV [Alcohol by Volume]) issued in 1665.

Here is a picture of a bottle of British Navy Pusser’s Rum which I found on the internet.

They say that this elegant, extremely hard to find Rum comes from the last remaining kegs of Royal Navy Rum – the same stuff the sailors drank…

British Navy PUSSER’S RUM Gunpowder Proof

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2018/06/a-tot-of-rum.html

Also posted in my Writing Blog at url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/06/21/why-sailors-love-rum/

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

How to “Bullshit” – Story from My Navy Days

There is a saying:

“No one is indispensable”

However – in the 1980’s – with the induction of new ships with modern weapons/equipment and sophisticated propulsion systems – I observed that – on many state-of-the-art warships – there were a number of specialist Sailors – especially in the Technical Branches – mainly Artificers – who were considered “indispensable”.

Whether these individuals were genuinely indispensable or not – I do not know – and I suspect not.

But the fact of the matter was that the Captain and Head of Department (HOD) wanted that particular “indispensable” Sailor on board the ship during his one year tenure – so that their tenures passed without a hiccup – especially on that crucial weapon system handled by the “indispensable” Sailor.

In fact – the Captain/HOD often got the transfers of these “indispensable” Sailors cancelled.

I remember a rather amusing case of “poaching” of an “indispensable” Sailor too – which resulted in an ugly exchange of correspondence – including signals – between the two rival ships involved.

Another offshoot was that these “indispensable” Sailors acquired immense “expert power” disproportionate to their rank.

Sometimes – this “expert power” overwhelmed “position power”.

And – thanks to their “expert power” – these “indispensable” Sailors sometimes developed a tendency to “bullshit”

Here is the hilarious story of one such “indispensable” Sailor called “P” 

Read on…

MEMORIES OF MY NAVY DAYS 

STORY OF THE “INDISPENSABLE” SAILOR

A Spoof By Vikram Karve 

This story happened around 33 years ago – in the 1980’s – on a frontline warship.

PROLOGUE

There is a saying:

“No one is indispensable”

However – in the 1980’s – with the induction of new ships with modern weapons/equipment and sophisticated propulsion systems – I observed that – on many state-of-the-art warships – there were a number of Sailors – especially in the Technical Branches – mainly Artificers – who were considered “indispensable”.

Whether these individuals were genuinely indispensable or not – I do not know – and I suspect not.

But the fact of the matter was that the Captain and Head of Department (HOD) wanted that particular “indispensable” Sailor on board the ship during his one year tenure – so that their tenures passed without a hiccup – especially on that crucial weapon system handled by the “indispensable” Sailor.

In fact – the Captain/HOD often got the transfers of these “indispensable” Sailors cancelled – and – I remember a case of “poaching” of an “indispensable” Sailor too – which resulted in an ugly exchange of correspondence, including signals, between the two rival ships involved.

Another offshoot was that these “indispensable” Sailors acquired immense “expert power” – and sometimes this “expert power” overwhelmed “position power”.

And – thanks to their “expert power” – these “indispensable” Sailors sometimes developed a tendency to “bullshit”

Here is the hilarious story of one such “indispensable” Sailor called “P”

STORY OF THE “INDISPENSABLE” SAILOR – A Spoof by Vikram Karve

“P” – THE “INDISPENSABLE” CHIEF PETTY OFFICER (CPO) 

On our ship we had a Chief Petty Officer – an Artificer – let’s call him “P”.

“P” was a part of the commissioning crew.

“P” had remained on the ship continuously without break for more than Seven years.

Every time P’s transfer came – the incumbent Captain would get P’s transfer cancelled.

Every Captain wanted “P” to remain on board during his tenure – since P was “indispensable”.

“P” was indispensable – since he was a “Specialist” on a key weapon system.

With increasing years of experience – “P” gained more and more expertise – and soon – “P” was the unsurpassed expert on the system in the entire Navy.

Every Captain knew that with “P” on board – it would be “smooth sailing” as far as that crucial weapon system was concerned.

So every new Captain ensured that – during his command tenure – “P” was kept on board the ship.

It was a Catch-22 situation.

The more “P” served at sea on board the ship – the more “P” yearned to go for an appointment ashore.

But conversely – the more “P” served on board this frontline warship – he acquired more and more “specialist expertise” – and he became even more “indispensable” – and his chances of going ashore became lesser and lesser.

So – as “P” served more and more on board our frontline warship on the sophisticated weapon system – “P” became more and more “indispensable” – and his chances of being posted out from the ship kept on diminishing – since every new Captain wanted him on board during his own tenure.

“P” was fed up.

Seven continuous years at sea were taking its toll on his health.

And also – his family life was adversely affected.

One day – suddenly – his transfer order came

“P” was delighted when he got his transfer order to a training establishment ashore as an instructor.

But unfortunately – the incoming new Captain got P’s transfer cancelled.

“P” complained against the cancellation of his transfer – saying that he had served seven long years continuously on a frontline warship – and he desperately wanted to go ashore.

I took Chief Petty Officer “P” to meet the new Captain.

I told the Captain that “P” had completed 7 years on this ship.

The Captain looked at “P” for some time.

Then – the Captain personally assured “P”:

“Chief Petty Officer “P” – you don’t worry. 

You just remain on the ship for my tenure. 

The moment my transfer comes – I will see to it that you are transferred to some good place ashore. 

In fact – I will get you a choice transfer to a good shore establishment of your choice…”

Despite the Captain’s assurance – “P” seemed dejected.

This meant another year on board this ship – it would be 8 continuous years of “sea-time” away from family – with no hope that it would end – even after this sea tenure was over

When I tried to commiserate with him – “P” said cynically to me:

“Forget it, Sir. 

Every Captain says the same thing. 

Captains come and go – all of you Officers also come and go. 

But – I am destined to remain stuck in this “hellhole” forever…”

And so – “P” resigned to his fate.

THE BULLSHITTER XO (Executive Officer)

A few days later a new XO (second-in-command) arrived on board ship.

Our previous Executive Officer (XO) was a Naval Aviator with a cheerful temperament and friendly nature.

He never pulled rank and took everyone along – and the result was that – despite the hardships – we had a very happy wardroom – and this cordial atmosphere percolated to the lower decks as well – resulting in a “happy ship”.

Though there was a high degree of professionalism – the work culture was quite informal and there was  rather “laissez faire” environment in the ship.

The new XO was a hot-shot “spit and polish” Commander.

He had spent most of his time on training ships and shore establishments (stone frigates).

Now – after a long “chairborne” tenure behind a desk – pushing files – in the “Northern Naval Command” (Naval Headquarters) – he had arrived on board our ship for his “criteria” sea appointment.

The new XO did not like the rather “laissez faire” informal environment in our ship – for which he blamed his predecessor.

The new XO boasted that he was going to “kick us into shape”.

On the very first day of sailing after the new XO had assumed charge – I was summoned to his cabin.

The XO was seated in his chair.

The “indispensable” Chief Petty Officer “P” was standing in front of the XO

“P” was not standing at “attention” – which was proper form for sailors – when standing in front of an officer – especially a senior officer like the XO – who was “second-in-command” of the ship.

However – “P” was standing in his usual casual manner – wearing his peak cap at a rakish angle – in the manner of a famous Admiral.

“P” had the casual bearing, nonchalant manner and cavalier attitude of a sailor who has been at sea for a long time.

The “Master-at-Arms” was standing behind “P” 

The XO shouted at me:

“I was taking rounds of the ship – and your Chief Petty Officer “P” was moving around in a slovenly manner in the alleyway. 

This sailor – your sailor Chief Petty Officer “P” – he was almost nude – the bugger was moving around semi-naked – no shirt – dressed only in a bloody filthy skimpy “Lungi”  – and even his bloody “Lungi” was at “half-mast”…”

“Sir – I was going for my bath …” “P” interrupted.

“You Shut Up…!!!” the XO shouted furiously at “P”.

Then – the XO turned to me – and he said to me:

“The indisciplined bugger did not even bother to salute me. 

Your sailor – Chief Petty Officer “P” – he intentionally did not salute me…”

Again – “P” interrupted – and he said to the XO:

“Sir – in this ship – we don’t salute below decks…”

This infuriated the XO

The XO stood up to his full height.

First – the XO looked menacingly at “P” for some time.

Then – the XO shouted at “P”:

“Don’t you bloody try to bullshit me – and you don’t try to act smart with me. 

I have sorted out many “funny” chaps like you…”

The XO continued shouting angrily at “P” – threatening him with dire consequences.

On hearing the threats – “P” pleaded with the XO: 

“Sir – why are you threatening at me…?

I told you that – in this ship – we do not salute below decks…”

On hearing this – the XO glowered at “P” for some time.

Then – roaring furiously – the XO shouted at Chief “P”: 

“If you misbehave with me – I will throw you out of this ship…”

“P” (a Chief Petty Officer) looked at the “XO” (a Commander) squarely in the eye.

Looking straight into the XO’s eyes – Chief Petty Officer “P” said to the “XO”:

“Sir – if you get me transferred out of this ship – I will give you a grand party in the best 5-Star hotel…”

I almost burst out laughing – but I controlled myself.

In order to prevent the situation from deteriorating further and leading to an aggravated disciplinary offence – I quickly removed my Chief Petty Officer “P” from the XO’s cabin.

Such juicy “galley news” spreads fast – especially at sea – and – in a few hours – the whole ship knew about the incident.

From then on – the “XO” would scrupulously avoid “P”.

However – whenever their paths crossed – with his tongue-in-cheek – Chief Petty Officer “P” would taunt the “XO”: 

“XO, Sir – when are you throwing me out of this ship…?”

EPILOGUE

I learnt three lessons from this story:

1. Some individuals are “indispensable”– especially those who have “expert power” 

2. As a Naval Officer – sometimes – you will have to resort to “Bullshit” 

“Bullshitting” is considered “officership” – an essential part of Officer Like Qualities (OLQ).

But – there are limits to “bullshit” – beyond which – “bullshit” can boomerang.

Yes – if you cross the limit – your “bullshit” can boomerang and fly back right into your face. 

3. If you want to have a comfortable life and long tenures – you must try to become “indispensable” 

That is how some “smart” officers manage to spend long tenures in comfortable “choice stations” like Delhi, Mumbai, their home-station etc.

Some officers even managed to get their “sea-time” waived citing their “indispensability” due to their so-called “expertise”.

You will find many such “indispensable” “experts” sitting comfortably for many years in Delhi – and other preferred peace stations – while their counterparts keep slogging it out at sea and in the field.

So – Dear Reader – the “Moral of the Story” is:

As a Naval Officer – you must “Bullshit” your subordinates 

But – you must know that there are “Limits” to “Bullshit” 

And – beyond these Limits – “Bullshit” can Boomerang – especially with “Experts”

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/12/memories-of-my-navy-days-indispensable.html

This is an abridged updated extract of my story FEAR – THE GREATEST MOTIVATOR First Posted in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog on 29 July 2013 by Vikram Karve at 7/29/2013 12:52:00 PM in this blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/07/fear-is-greatest-motivator.html and revised versions posted by me later at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/02/humor-in-uniform-bullshit-can-boomerang.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/09/humor-in-uniform-indispensable-sailor.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/01/humor-in-uniform-limits-to-bullshit.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/bullshit-humor-in-uniform-story-from-my.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/10/humor-in-uniform-how-to-bullshit.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/humor-in-uniform-life-at-sea-how-to.html

and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/humor-in-uniform-no-one-is_26.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/06/life-at-sea-story-of-indispensable.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/12/04/humor-in-uniform-the-indispensable-sailor/ etc

Humor at Sea – Part 2 – Hamam Mein Sab Nange Nahin Hain (everyone is not naked in the bath)

I am sure you enjoyed Humor at Sea Part 1 – Hamam Mein Sab Nange Nahin Hain

Now – here is Part 2 of the Story…

LIFE AT SEA  
Water Woes Part 2 

Is Hamam Mein Sab Nange Nahin Hain (All Are Not Naked in this Bathroom)

Continued from Part 1 –  Hamam Mein Sab Nange Hain 

(A Naval Yarn)

Hilarious Memories of My Unforgettable Navy Days 

A Spoof By Vikram Karve

Hamam Mein Sab Nange Nahin Hain by Vikram Karve 

The best thing about our ship was the Executive Officer (XO) – a Naval Aviator with a cheerful temperament and friendly nature – who never pulled rank and took everyone along.

He also happened to be the PMC – and the result was that – despite the hardships – we had a very happy wardroom – and this cordial atmosphere percolated to the lower decks as well.

The XO did not demand any special privileges – in fact – he had quite a laissez faire approach to work – and he would happily join us in the “Is Haman Mein Sab Nange Hain”  इस हामान में सब नंगे हैं  combined nude bathing sessions.

You may say that I am generalizing – and you may not agree with me – but in my opinion – Naval Aviators make the best XO’s on ships.

On my earlier ship too – it was like a breath of fresh air when a Naval Aviator replaced a most painful nit-picking XO.

Naval Aviators came on board ships for their “mandatory sea tenure” – and then they went back to flying duties.

So – they wanted a happy sea-time – and they did not harass the crew.

Accordingly – after spending one year on board our ship – our Naval Aviator XO went back to his first love – aviation duties – and the Captain changed too.

The new XO – a Communicator – was a namby-pamby wimp – an effeminate sissy – and – like most communicators – he was a smooth-talking pernickety pain in the arse (ass).

“He is a bloody prick…” said an officer who had served with the XO on an earlier ship.

“You mean “prig”…?” we asked.

“I mean “prick” – P R I C K…” he spelt it out loud and clear.

“Okay – let’s say he is a priggish prick…” we said.

Soon – it was unanimously agreed that the new XO was a “priggish prick”.

But – since the XO was more of a “Prick” than a “Prig” – everyone called him “Prick”.

The new XO found fault with everything – and worse – he blamed his predecessor – the well-liked Naval Aviator XO – for being too lenient – and thereby spoiling the crew.

A constipated, frustrated “killjoy” – the new XO tried his best to make life as painful as possible.

Though small in stature, light in weight and effeminate in appearance – the new XO feigned a rather amusing spectacle – as he tried to pull rank and throw his weight around – trying to demonstrate that he was the “second-in-command” of the ship.

This snobbish posturing may have worked elsewhere – but such amateurish antics – they cut no ice on this frontline warship – which had a hardened crew.

Ever since he had arrived – the XO had started a running battle with the Flight Commander over OOW and OOD duties.

Though the Flight Commander was a qualified sea watchkeeper – by convention – Naval Aviators did not do watchkeeping duties on this ship – and the other Executive Officers did not seem to mind.

However – the new XO embarked on a holy crusade to “teach him a lesson” – and get the Naval Aviators to do watchkeeping duties.

And indeed – the new XO wanted to teach everyone a lesson – especially all of us from the earlier crew.

Someone said that the XO was an “Air Force Grounded Cadet” – sidestepped into the Navy – and because of this – he hated all Aviator Pilots – since he had failed to qualify as one.

One evening – during a longish sailing – feeling grimy without a bath thanks to the strict water routine due to the perpetual shortage of water – I was sitting in my cabin finishing some paperwork.

“Do you want to have a hot water bath…?” the Flight Commander said, peeping into my cabin.

“Hot water bath…?” I said, surprised, looking at the Flight Commander, who looked freshly bathed and smelt of soap.

“Go quickly to the bathroom. The “fresh-water-tanky” will be waiting for you with a bucket of hot water. After you finish your bath, ask him to get another bucket of hot water for Guns – I’ll tell Guns…” the Flight Commander said.

“You got water with you on the bloody helo or what…?” I asked.

The Flight Commander, who was a good friend of mine, laughed loudly – and he said to me:

“Come on – don’t be crazy. The hot water bucket was meant for “Prick” – I hijacked the hot water bucket.”

“What the bloody hell is going on…? That bloody “Prick” is bathing in hot water – when others don’t even get a drop of water to drink…?” I commented.

“After Guns finishes – we’ll tell Senior – I wonder if he knows what’s happening…?” the Flight Commander said.

As usual – there had been a strict water routine during this sailing too – so who could refuse the offer of a bath – and that too – the luxury of a hot water bath.

So – I rushed to the bathroom.

The fresh-water-tanky was standing by with a bucket of hot water in his hand.

The moment the fresh-water-tanky saw me in a towel – his face dropped

The fresh-water-tanky pleaded with me:

“Sir – the water routine is only in the morning. Sir – this hot water is meant for the XO. Flight Commander took one bucket – and now – you also will have a hot water bath…?”

“Have you taken permission from Senior Engineer…?” I shouted.

“No, Sir – the XO has asked me not to tell anyone…” the fresh-water-tankysaid.

“From where have you got the hot water…?” I asked.

“I got it from the ship’s galley, Sir…” the fresh-water-tanky said.

“After I finish my bath – you go down to the galley and get one more bucket of hot water for the Gunnery Officer…” I said to the fresh-water-tanky. 

“Aye, Aye, Sir…” the fresh-water-tanky said.

“And then – you go and get one more bucket of hot water for the Senior Engineer…” I ordered the fresh-water-tanky.

“Sir – what about the XO – there will be no water left for him…” the hapless fresh-water-tanky pleaded.

“The XO can do “dry cleaning” for all I care – you don’t worry about him – come on – you get moving – you go and get hot water for “Guns” and Senior Engineer…” I ordered the anxious fresh-water-tanky.

Meanwhile – the XO was patiently waiting in his cabin for the fresh-water-tanky to report “readiness” to him.

After some time – the XO got impatient.

So – the XO walked down to the officers’ bathroom.

As usual – the XO was properly turned out (in an officer-like manner) – wearing a bath-robe.

The XO opened the door of the officers’ bathroom.

The sight that he saw totally startled him.

Two totally naked hairy scary hulks – “Guns” and “Senior” – were bathing away to glory totally nude in their “Birthday Suits.”

It was a terrible sight – and the “namby-pamby” effeminate XO felt a shiver of fear – as he saw the two redoubtable officers looking hungrily at him.

Magnanimously – the stark naked officers invited the XO to join them for a bath.

The terrified XO beat a hasty retreat.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Link to my source blog post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2017/01/humor-in-uniform-water-routine-part-2.html

This Story was earlier posted by me Vikram Karve in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog more than 5 years ago at 2/01/2014 05:55:00 PM  at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/02/humor-in-uniform-fresh-water-tanky.html  and re-posted many times including at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/01/humor-in-uniform-everyone-is-not-naked.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/09/humor-in-uniform-hot-water-bath.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/12/19/humor-in-uniform-water-woes-part-2-is-hamam-mein-sab-nange-nahin-hain/ and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/humor-in-uniform-water-routine-part-2.html

Humor at Sea – Hamam Mein Sab Nange Hain (everyone is naked in the bath)

Dear Reader – tell me – who do you think is the most important person on a warship…?

“The Captain…” you would say, in all probability.

If you were a “technical fanatic” – you may say that the Chief Engineer is the key man on a ship – because it is the engines that move the ship.

Some die-hard branch loyalists would plum for specialist officers of their own branches – the Gunnery Officer, Torpedo Officer, Navigating Officer – or even the most redundant of them all – the Communications Officer.

“The Ship’s Medical Officer – the Doctor is the most important man on the ship…” the hypochondriacs would probably say.

Some would root for the Quartermaster (or helmsman) who steers the ship.

A Foodie may say that the ship’s cook is the most important individual on the ship – since good food is the sine qua non of high morale.

Aviators think they are prima donnas – especially on Aircraft Carriers.

Everyone has their own views – and you can debate till the cows come home.

But on this frontline warship – on which I was serving – indisputably – without a doubt – the most important man was the “Fresh Water Tanky”… 

Let me delve deep into my blog – and pull out one of my favourite “Humor in Uniform” Naval “Memoirs” – a “Fresh Water Tanky” Naval Yarn…

This story happened on a frontline warship – 33 years ago – in the mid 1980’s… 

LIFE AT SEA  
Water Woes Part 1 – Is Hamam Mein Sab Nange Hain

(A Naval Yarn)

Hilarious Memories of My Unforgettable Navy Days

A Spoof By Vikram Karve 

WHO IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN ON A NAVY WARSHIP…?

Dear Reader – tell me – who do you think is the most important person on a warship…?

“The Captain…” you would say, in all probability.

If you were a “technical fanatic” – you may say that the Chief Engineer is the key man on a ship – because it is the engines that move the ship.

Some die-hard branch loyalists would plum for specialist officers of their own branches – the gunnery officer, torpedo officer, navigating officer – or even the most redundant of them all – the communications officer.

“The Ship’s Medical Officer – the Doctor is the most important man on the ship…” the hypochondriacs would probably say.

Some would root for the Quartermaster (or helmsman) who steers the ship.

A Foodie may say that the ship’s cook is the most important individual on the ship – since good food is the sine qua non of high morale.

Aviators think they are prima donnas – especially on aircraft carriers.

Everyone has their own views – and you can debate till the cows come home.

But on this frontline warship – on which I was serving – indisputably – without a doubt – the most important man was the “Fresh Water Tanky”.

Of course – if you are fond of American spellings – you may spell “Tanky” as “Tankey” – like they spell “Whisky” as “Whiskey” – but that is a matter of minor detail.

And since the Indian Navy mostly follows Royal Navy traditions – I will use the British spelling – “Tanky”.

FRESH WATER TANKY

The “fresh-water tanky” is a junior sailor from the engine-room branch responsible for the fresh-water supply in a ship.

In my earlier ships – all steamships – there was an abundance of fresh water – and the “fresh water tanky” was an insignificant cog in the wheel – and most of us did not even know who the “fresh water tanky” was.

But on this ship – which invariably suffered a terrible scarcity of fresh water when we were at sea – the “fresh water tanky” was a VIP – the most sought after individual on the ship – so much so that even the Fleet Commander – a Rear Admiral – personally called the “Fresh Water Tanky” to his cabin at 0010 Hours – yes – at 0010 Hours – which – in civilian parlance means 10 Minutes past Midnight (12:10 AM)

WHY DID THE ADMIRAL CALL THE “FRESH WATER TANKY” AT MIDNIGHT…?

The “fresh-water-tanky” was fast asleep on his bunk in the engine-room junior sailors’ mess – when he was rudely woken up by the Duty Petty Officer – and he was told to report to the Admiral immediately in person.

The “fresh-water-tanky” wore his overalls – put on his cap – and rushed up to the Captain’s Cabin – which had been commandeered by the Fleet Commander – as this ship was not designed to be a “Flag Ship” – and did not have separate quarters for the Admiral and his staff.

Also – in this ship – as is the case with most warships – only the Captain’s Cabin had an attached bathroom and toilet.

For all other officers – there was a common bathroom.

Similarly – sailors too had huge common bathrooms – one for senior sailors – and another for junior sailors.

Since the Admiral had moved into the Captain’s Cabin – the Captain had evicted the XO – who had moved into the spare bunk in Cdr (E)’s cabin – and the fleet staff had moved into various spare bunks – and a few junior officers slept in the wardroom.

It was terribly crowded on board – and the water shortage made it worse.

This ship was not designed for the prevailing hot, sultry, humid, sweaty tropical climate – where you needed to bathe at least once or twice a day to keep yourself clean.

The ship was designed for much colder arctic climates where you hardly sweated – and you could go without a bath for many days.

There were cultural aspects – as well – as far as personal hygiene is concerned.

Those people needed much less fresh water than us for daily use – they were not in the habit of bathing every day.

Even for their “ablutions” – they used toilet paper.

On the other hand – for us – “Cleanliness was next to Godliness” – and we needed plenty of water for our daily baths and ablutions.

Also – our style of cooking required lots of fresh water.

Thus – this ship catered for far less fresh water than the amount required for our needs – with the result that there was a perpetual water scarcity – though ironically – there was plenty of sea water around us – but we could not use seawater for our daily needs.

Metaphorically – it was a case of :

“water water everywhere – but not a drop to drink” 

This shortage of fresh water necessitated strict rationing of water – which in turn entailed observance of a strict water routine – and water was opened for bathing only for a few minutes in a day.

But during this long sailing – even this bathing water routine could not be followed – due to some breakdowns – and water was opened only for a few minutes early at dawn for brushing and shaving.

All of us were without a bath for days – which made us feel miserable.

We were all “dry cleaning” ourselves.

And – so was the Admiral.

But now – the Admiral had decided to have the luxury of a bath.

That is why he had summoned the “Fresh-Water-Tanky” at this unearthly hour – well past midnight.

SPECIAL WATER ROUTINE FOR THE ADMIRAL 

The “fresh-water-tanky” reached the Captain’s cabin flat on the double.

The “fresh-water-tanky” knocked.

A loud voice said from inside the cabin – “come in”.

The “fresh-water-tanky” entered the cabin – and he saw that the Admiral was standing naked – the Admiral only had a small towel around his waist.

“I want to have a bath – open the fresh water…” the Admiral bellowed.

“Sir – You want to have a bath now…? It is the middle of the night…” the perplexed fresh-water-tanky stammered.

“Yes – I want to have a bath now…” the Admiral said.

“Sir – water routine is from 6 AM in the morning…” the fresh-water-tanky mumbled.

“I know that. During your water routine timings the water is pressure is so bloody low – that hardly any water climbs up to this deck – as everyone opens up all taps and showers on the lower decks…”

“Sir, there is a problem…”

“Don’t tell me your problems – you just do as you are told – and open the fresh water for 10 minutes – come on – get moving – chop chop…!!!” the Admiral barked at the nonplussed sailor.

The “fresh water tanky” decided to play safe.

He tiptoed down to the Senior Engineer’s cabin.

The Senior Engineer Officer had hit the sack an hour ago – after a hard day’s work slogging away in the bowels of the ship – and he was fast asleep – after imbibing his customary “nightcap” – a generous swig of Rum from the hip flask he always carried in the pocket in his overalls.

The Senior Engineer was in deep sleep – snoring away – on the top bunk – above me.

There was a knock on the cabin door.

I cursed at being woken up from my sleep – and opened the cabin door.

The moment I saw the fresh-water-tanky – I got angry – and I told him to get lost.

But – when the fresh-water-tanky told me the reason why he had come – I quickly got up from my bunk – stripped off my lungi and vest.

I put a towel around my waist – picked up my soap case – and I rushed down to the officers’ bathroom.

Meanwhile – the fresh-water-tanky gave the Senior Engineer a “hard shakeup” to wake him up from his deep sleep.

The fresh-water-tanky asked the Senior Engineer for his permission to open the fresh water.

WATER IS A GREAT LEVELLER

Jolted out of his deep sleep – for a few moments – the Senior Engineer Officer appeared to be in a daze.

Then – as he recovered his senses – the Senior Engineer squinted his eyes – and he looked at the clock – it was 12:15 (0015 Hrs in Naval Parlance) – 15 minutes past midnight.

“The Admiral wants to have a bath now…?” the puzzled Senior Engineer asked the fresh-water-tanky.

“Yes, Sir. He called me personally to his cabin and ordered me to open the fresh water.”

“What’s the fresh water level…?” Senior Engineer asked the fresh-water-tanky.

“Very Low, Sir…” the fresh-water-tanky answered.

“Okay. We will conserve water tomorrow. Now – you just open the water for only 5 minutes – strictly 5 minutes – and you make sure you don’t tell anyone – keep it totally secret – let everyone sleep peacefully…” Senior Engineer said to the fresh-water-tanky 

Even as he was talking to the fresh-water-tanky – the Senior Engineer immediately stripped off his overalls – grabbed his towel – and made a beeline for the bathroom.

“Aye, Aye, Sir…” the fresh-water-tanky said – following the Senior Engineer.

But – before he went to open the fresh water valve – the fresh-water-tankysurreptitiously went down to his mess-deck – he quietly stripped off his overalls – he picked up his soap – and put on a towel round his waist.

This furtive activity by the fresh-water-tanky was observed by a few engine-room sailors – who had come off watch – and were lying in their bunks trying to sleep.

Seeing the fresh-water-tanky stripping off his clothes, picking up his soap and wearing a towel round his waist – these sailors were roused into a flurry of action – and soon – all of them were seen rushing towards the sailors’ bathroom – clad in their towels.

I don’t know how it happened – but the “secret” news – of fresh water being opened at the midnight hour – spread like wildfire throughout the messdecks.

Soon – everyone was seen rushing in various states of undress to the bathrooms – standing naked under the showers – waiting for water to sprinkle on their bodies.

Yes – on this ship – combined “nude bathing” under the open showers was the norm – yes – everyone bathed in his “birthday suit” – even the officers.

On my earlier ships – where there was the luxury of abundant fresh water – it was possible for “OLQ oriented officers” to bathe in an “officer-like manner” – bathrobe, privacy of shower-curtain, et al…

But on this ship – water was a great leveler – and things like modesty, etiquette and protocol had no place in the bathroom – you quickly took off your clothes and bathed nude.

The scene epitomized the famous Hindi proverb – “hamam mein sab nange hain” – हामान में सब नंगे हैं – meaning – “everyone is naked in this bathroom”.

(The term Hamam means a public bathing place – a bath – aka – a bathroom…) 

So – whatever your rank – if you happened to be posted on this ship – you were “nanga” (naked) in the “hamam” (bathroom).

IS HAMAM MEIN SAB NANGE HAIN  

By the time water gushed out of the showers – there were 20 officers standing stark naked under the 4 showers in the officers’ bathroom.

It was a tight squeeze – bodies rubbing against each other – hands with soap moving wildly.

It was a free-for-all – and in this crazy frenzy – you could not even make out who was soaping your body – or whose body you were lathering.

The TASO – an aficionado of sandalwood soap – would emerge from the melee – smelling of the strong heady scent of the aromatic herbal soap – used by the “Mallu” Senior Engineer – who would be exuding the antiseptic aroma of germicidal soap – rubbed on him unwittingly by the ship’s doctor – who was very hygiene-conscious.

The Gunnery Officer – on middle watch – had handed over the deck to the cute watch-keeping Sub Lieutenant – and rushed down from the bridge without towel or soap.

He would “bum” both towel and soap from someone – as was his habit of “bumming” everything from his shipmates.

The “cute” watch-keeping Sub Lieutenant would go for his bath later – if he was allowed to leave the bridge – and if there was enough time after the return of the Gunnery Officer – and the water routine was long enough.

Or – the “cute” watch-keeping Sub Lieutenant would rather skip the collective nude bathing session – he suspected the proclivities of some of the rather bawdy officers – who seemed to have a “glad-eye” on him – and he did not want to risk a repeat hanky-panky of what had happened in the previous free-for-all bathing fracas.

While the officers were enjoying their midnight bath – so were almost all the sailors – with all showers open full blast – and all the ship’s bathrooms filled with bodies chock-a-block.

The result of all of this frenzied full-scale bathing on the lower decks was that – not a drop of water climbed up to the Captain’s Cabin – where the Admiral was standing patiently in his “birthday suit” under the shower.

Now – the Admiral was an old sea-dog – who had commanded this very ship – and he realized what was going on.

So – the Admiral wrapped his towel around his waist – and he marched bare-chested down to the officers’ bathroom.

“Bloody ‘Guns’ – you sneaky bugger…!!! You should be doing middle-watch on the bloody bridge – what the hell are you doing here bathing yourself…?” the Admiral shouted at the nude Gunnery Officer – who should have been on the bridge during middle-watch.

Before the shamefaced Gunnery Officer could reply – the Admiral commanded him:

“You go and sound ‘Action Stations’ – do you understand…? Come on ‘Guns’  – don’t bloody stand there showing me your filthy ****  –  you get moving…”

Then – the Admiral looked at the Senior Engineer and commanded him:

“You make sure the fresh water is pumped in full force till I finish my bath – I want the “fresh-water-tanky” standing by outside.”

As “Action Stations” were sounded – and all Officers and Sailors began rushing to their action posts – the Admiral stripped off his towel – and he stood under the shower – to enjoy a leisurely bath.

As the Admiral was enjoying his bath – his newly appointed “cute and coy” Flag Lieutenant peeped into the bathroom.

Like most Flag Lieutenants – he was a “pretty boy” – a  “Sea Doll”

The “charming” Flag Lieutenant was lucky to have served on comfortable ships.

The coy “Sea Doll” Flag Lieutenant seemed a bit shy and timorous to walk around semi-nude in front of sailors – who were rushing up and down in the ship’s alleyways to their “Action Stations” – in various states of undress.

In contrast – the “demure” Flag Lieutenant was dressed up for a bath in an “officer-like” manner – in a full bathrobe covering almost his entire body.

The Flag Lieutenant saw the totally naked brawny “Sea Dog” Admiral standing in his “birthday suit” – fully nude – bathing stark naked under the shower.

Horrified by the outrageous sight before him – the “coy” Flag Lieutenant hesitated – and he began to retreat.

On seeing his “cute” Flag Lieutenant’s coyness – the Admiral shouted at him:

“Come on “Pretty Boy” – you hurry up and take off your clothes quickly – take off everything – and come here under the shower – Is Hamam Mein Sab Nange Hain – इस हामान में सब नंगे हैं…” (all are naked in this bathroom)

To Be Continued in Part 2…

Before you read Part 2 of the Story in the next post on this blog – here is some “Food for Thought”

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

I will never forget my wonderful time on this glorious frontline warship.

During my long Naval Career – I have served on many warships and shore establishments (stone frigates).

But – it was on this ship – where we had the best camaraderie among officers – and even our relationships with sailors were most happy.

Despite the tough time we had – and the hardships we faced – this was a “Happy Ship”.

Maybe – it has got something to do with being “Nanga” in the “Hamam” … !!!

Can there be any better bonding than being “Nanga” together in the “Hamam”…?

As I told you in the beginning – this incident happened long back – 33 years ago – in the mid-1980’s.

Those were the days of the “All Male Navy” – much before the Navy started inducting women as officers.

But even now – women do not serve at sea – the Navy does not post women on ships.

Dear Reader – after reading this story – just imagine the scene in the “Hamam” – if there had been women officers/sailors on this ship…!!! 

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This yarn is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Link to my source blog post in my blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/humor-in-uniform-life-at-sea-water.html

This Story was written by me around 6 years ago in the year 2013 and first posted online by me Vikram Karve in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog at 1/28/2014 04:29:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/01/hamam-mein-sab-nange-hain-everyone-is.html and later at urls http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/09/humor-in-and-out-of-uniform-hamam-mein.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/01/humor-in-uniform-everyone-in-naked-in.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/08/should-women-be-posted-on-navy-ships.html and  https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/12/19/humor-in-uniform-water-woes-part-1-is-hamam-mein-sab-nange-hain/and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/humor-in-uniform-water-routine-part-1.html

Food Humor at Sea – Poached Eggs

“EGGS TO ORDER” FOR THE “SEA-DOLL”

A Spoof By Vikram Karve 

In the 1970’s – around 42 years ago – when I served on Navy Warships – at sea – the steward would wake you up in the morning with a cup of tea – and – he would ask you:

“Sir – “Eggs to Order”…?”

This was the first decision an officer had to make during the day – what type of eggs to eat for breakfast…

On most ships the choice ranged from simple Boiled Eggs or Fried Eggs – to the more elaborate “Masala” Scrambled Eggs on Toast, Cheese Omelette, French Toast etc

In the 1970’s – Eggs were served with ham, bacon, sausages etc –  when we had flexible Sea Rations for Officers.

But later – with the advent of “authorised rations” for officers – these items (ham, bacon, sausages, salami, cold cuts, luncheon meat etc) disappeared from Navy Breakfast Menus.

One of my friends from the erstwhile Supply and Secretariat (S&S) Branch once quipped – the most important decision a Naval Officer had to make at Sea during the entire day was:

“What Type of Eggs should I Order for Breakfast…?”

During my visits to New Zealand – I saw that the most popular Breakfast dish was Eggs Benedict – which basically consists of toasted halves of English Muffin topped with Poached Eggs, Hollandaise Sauce and Ham, Bacon, Spinach etc

Here is a picture of “Eggs Benedict”

Eggs Benedict – Poached Eggs, Ham, Bacon, Spinach on Toasted Muffin

In the “Eggs Benedict” picture above – the creamy yellow egg yolk seems to have escaped from the white of the poached eggs and spread all over imparting its delicious taste.

Here is a picture of a Poached Egg with the Egg Yolk intact and enclosed.

Poached Egg

Looking at Poached Eggs reminded me of a story from my Navy Days.

Yes – when I saw those yummy Poached Eggs adorning the Eggs Benedict during my recent  New Zealand visit – I was reminded of this hilarious ‘poached eggs’ anecdote in the Wardroom of a Navy Frontline Warship many years ago – around 32 years ago – in the 1980’s.

(Wardroom is Navy Parlance for Officers Mess)

POACHED EGGS FOR THE “SEA DOLL” – A Spoof by Vikram Karve

When I served at sea in the Navy – around 42 years ago – in the 1970’s – warships were classified into 3 types – and – this made it necessary to have separate ‘streams’ for training.

Accordingly – Officers and Sailors would be assigned to one of the ‘streams’ and be trained for selected equipment in that ‘stream’ – and appointed on ships of relevant stream for which they were trained.

The three basic ‘Streams’ were:

1. “A” Stream comprising the latest “Western Origin” Ships like Leander Class Frigates.

2. “B” Stream comprising older “Western Origin” Ships.

3. “C” Stream comprising the latest Soviet (Russian) acquisition ships.

“A” Stream Ships comprised brand new “Western Origin” Ships like the comfortable Leander Class Frigates of British Design.

As you know – the ‘British Navy’ is called the ‘Royal Navy’

So – “A” Stream Ships were “Royal” too – with snobbish stiff-upper-lip “Royal Culture” – and consequent ‘class distinctions’ between Officers and Sailors.

On the other hand – “C” Stream Ships of “Eastern Origin” (Soviet Union/Russia) – with their Socialist Egalitarian Design – these ships were comparatively ‘Spartan’ as far as ‘creature comforts’ were concerned – the focus being on densely ‘packing in’ maximum equipment – with lesser emphasis on ‘creature comforts’ and cozy habitability.

Life on “C” Stream ships was austere and grueling as compared to “A” Stream ships.

“C” Stream Officers enviously called “A” Stream Ships as “Hotel Ships”.

Another advantage of “A” Stream Ships was that – those days – “A” Stream“ Western Origin” ships were based at Mumbai (then called Bombay)

On the other hand – most “C” Stream “Eastern Origin” Ships were based at Visakhapatnam (Vizag) – which – in those days – in the 1970’s – was a “one street town”

(Of course – now – Visakhapatnam is a modern vibrant metropolis and a beautiful city)

I was lucky to be allotted “A” Stream

So – I enjoyed myself thoroughly on my first two ships – both were comfortable Frigates – and both ships were based in Mumbai (then called Bombay).

After a few years – I was expecting to be appointed on a “A” Stream ship once again.

But – someone in NHQ got some crazy ideas about “cross-pollination” and “cross-fertilization” – so – I landed up on a “C” Stream ship.

My ship was a frontline Destroyer – at that time – the most powerful and modern warship in the Navy – with state-of-the-art weapon systems and equipment.

Of course – though not as austere as earlier “C” Stream ships – my new ship was not as comfortable as her contemporary “A” Stream “Hotel Ships”.

My new ship was “first of its class” – built in the erstwhile Soviet Union – and – in the true spirit of egalitarian socialist “comradeship” – there was no separate galley (kitchen) for officers.

So – food for officers was cooked in the common galley along with sailors’ food – and the food had to be carried by stewards all the way down the alleyway to the wardroom which was quite far away from the ships’ galley.

Hence – the stewards had a tough time – especially while sailing – when the full complement of officers would descend in the wardroom for meals.

To make matters worse – our ship was designated “Flagship” most of the time – with an additional complement of “Fleet Staff” also eating in the wardroom.

Thus – the wardroom – which was already strained catering to the ship’s officers – had to provide for “supernumeraries” as well.

During one such sailing – we were sitting for breakfast.

I noticed a new Commander from the Fleet Staff – he seemed to have been newly posted to the Fleet Staff.

I looked at the Commander.

He seemed to be a “stiff-upper-lip” Royal Navy Style “Sea-Doll”

He was certainly from the“A” Stream.

The steward asked us:

“Eggs to order, Sir…?”

Now – during sailing – in view of the fact that the food had to be carried to the wardroom from common ship’s galley which was quite far away – generally – there were just two choices in “eggs to order”

You either had “Boiled Eggs” 

Or – you had a “Masala Omelette” 

I ordered my customary “Masala Omelette”.

The “Sea-Doll” Commander said to the steward:

“Poached Eggs” – I will have “Poached Eggs”…” 

I smiled to myself:

“Ha Ha – “Poached Eggs” – Ha Ha – on this ship…!!!”

This guy was certainly a snobbish type from the “A” Stream

Maybe – he had even commanded one of those “Hotel Ships”.

After some time – the steward placed an “Omelette” in front of me (as I had ordered).

And – to my amusement – the steward placed an “Omelette” in front of the “Sea-Doll” Commander too.

The “Sea-Doll” Commander looked at the “Omelette”.

Then – the “Sea-Doll” Commander angrily said to the Steward:

“I ordered ‘Poached Eggs’ – not an ‘Omelette’ – take this ‘Omelette’ away and get me ‘Poached Eggs’ …”

The Steward took the “Omelette” away.

After some time – another Steward placed Two ‘Boiled Eggs’ in front of the snooty Commander.

On seeing the ‘Boiled Eggs’ – the snooty “Sea-Doll” Commander shouted at the Steward:

“I don’t want bloody ‘Boiled Eggs’ – I ordered ‘Poached Eggs’ …”

This was going to be interesting – so – I decided to watch the fun.

There was still time for Morning “Both Watches”.

So – I ordered another ‘Omelette’ – and – I waited in eager anticipation – for events to unfold.

After a long wait – a Steward landed up with two “Bulls Eye” Eggs – Soft ‘Fried Eggs’ – and – the Steward placed the Soft ‘Fried Eggs’ in front of the Commander.

The astounded Commander had a look at the Soft ‘Fried Eggs’.

The ‘high and mighty’ Commander barked at the hapless Steward:

“What the hell is this…? 

These are ‘Fried Eggs’. 

Don’t you know what ‘Poached Eggs’ are…? 

Call the bloody ‘Chief Steward’…”

The Chief Steward duly landed up.

The snobby “Sea-Doll” Commander scolded the Chief Steward:

“Don’t your Stewards and Cooks know what a ‘Poached Egg’ is…? 

I have ordered ‘Poached Eggs’. 

And – these buggers got me an ‘Omelette’. 

Then – they got me ‘Boiled Eggs’.

And – now – they got me bloody ‘Fried Eggs’ . 

They are giving me all types of Eggs – except ‘Poached Eggs’ …”

The Chief Steward tried to explain:

“Sir – on this ship – we have a common galley…”

But – the ‘stuck-up’ Commander shouted at the Chief Steward:

“Don’t give me bullshit – just get me ‘Poached Eggs’ – do you understand…?”

I finished my second ‘Omelette’ – and coffee – but the ‘Poached Eggs’ had still not arrived.

“Both Watches” Muster was piped – so I excused myself – and I left the wardroom.

I do not know what happened after that – whether the snooty Commander got his ‘Poached Eggs’ or not.

But – a hilarious thing happened next morning.

The moment the snobbish “Sea-Doll” Commander arrived and sat down for breakfast – a Steward opened the wardroom fridge.

And – from the fridge – the Steward took out a pair of cold “Poached Eggs”.

(These specially made “Poached Eggs” for the snobbish “Sea-Doll” Commander – they had been prepared the previous night and kept in the fridge…) 

The cold soggy “Poached Eggs” were placed in front of the snobbish “Sea-Doll” Commander.

I looked at the stale cold crumpled soggy “Poached Eggs”.

The refrigerated shrivelled “Poached Eggs” looked most “unappetizing” – to say the least.

The “high and mighty” Commander looked at the hideous shriveled cold “Poached Eggs”.

From the expression of nausea on his face – I thought that he was going to throw up and vomit on seeing those horrible unpalatable cold “Poached Eggs”.

The “Sea-Doll” Commander ordered the Steward:

“Take these horrible “Poached Eggs” away – and get me an “Omelette”…” 

I smiled to myself.

As my “C” Stream friends used to say:

“C” Stream is a great leveller.

But one thing was sure:

“Camaraderie” was much better on “C” Stream Ships. 

Yes – a tough ship is always a happy ship.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved) 

Link to my source post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2017/12/humor-in-uniform-eggs-to-order.html

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

This is a revised updated re-post of my story POACHED EGGS posted online by me Vikram Karve in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog earlier at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/02/humor-in-uniform-poached-eggs.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/06/foodie-humor-in-uniform-poached-eggs.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/11/foodie-humor-in-uniform-eggs-to-order.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/navy-foodie-humor-eggs-to-order-for-sea.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/06/foodie-humor-at-sea-eggs-to-order.html  and  https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/10/12/eggs-at-sea/  etc

Do You Know that You have Two Ages – Chronological Age and Biological (Phenotypic) Age

Is your Phenotypic (Biological) Age less than Your Chronological Age…?

👇

https://www.cnn.com/2018/11/30/health/live-longer-biological-age-intl/index.html

👆

What is your “Age”…?

Views on NFU

Sharing an open letter post received on a Veterans Forum (Author Brig CS Vidyasagar)

Dear Sir,
My views on NFU.
I have been reading all connected papers on NFU including 6th CPC Report and all seeing the comments on this subject in social media.
NFU is recommended by 6th CPC for a simple reason to reduce the pay disparity between IAS on one hand and other Organised Group A services like IPS, IRS etc.
IAS being very close to politicians since the time of independence have been encroaching into fields which do not belong to them. Today you see IAS officers even in States tenant appointments which have no relevance to their training and field of activity. Every new corporation created is headed by IAS officer. Coffee board in Bengaluru is headed by IAS Officer, Tea board in Kolkata is headed by IAS officer. All port trusts are headed by IAS officers. All ministries are headed by IAS officers. The economic counsellor in Indian embassies and high commissions are headed by IAS officers. Present RBI governor Mr Shaktikant Das is a MA History from St Stephens Delhi and yet he is holding a post for which he has no qualification. Many posts in UN are grabbed by IAS where as it should have been preserve of IFS.
An IAS officer whose qualification is English literature is heading Civil aviation ministry, Health Ministry and all other ministries. What knowledge they gain in their service moving from ministry to another? They are jack of all trades and master of none. The socialist philosophy of Mr Jawahar Lal Nehru and his khandan encouraged state control meaning control of each and everything by bureaucrats mostly IAS. Create Corporations and head them by IAS.
The number of vacancies available to be tenanted by IAS is so many every IAS officer with just 16 years ground service (one year training in Lal Bahadur Shashtri National Academy of Administration, Mussorie is also counted as service) become Jt Secy equivalent to Maj Gen when only 2% of Army Officer can hope to become Maj Gens at 32 to 35 years of service. Only 0.08% become Lt Gens where as 100% IAS officers get promoted to Addl Secy and even if they do not then they drawn pay of Addl Secy. IAS officers draw higher pay from 16 years’ ground service till they retire whereas Officers from Armed forces draw higher pay for just four to five years.
Is this gross injustice acceptable?
If you see the linkage of Organised Group A Services getting pay of Jt Secy two years after their IAS batchmates are empanelled means only the former is to get benefit of non-functional financial upgradation. The 6th CPC report nowhere mentions that if one IAS officer is empanelled as Addl Secy then all IAS officers of that batch are to be given pay of Addl Secy on non-functional basis.
IAS has been convincing every CPC that they being superior to other Group A services must have an edge over others by two years. The Secretary of CPC is always an IAS officer hence he gets everything for his siblings.
The Organised Group A Services found that their batch mates had been climbing promotion ladder at much faster, easier and at much earlier length of service where as they were languishing in the same post for many years without any promotion due to lack of vacancies in their cadre. Their demand to give them compensation if they cannot be promoted due to lack of vacancies is very well justified in my view.
I do not agree to the view that NFU is unethical and immoral. It promotes mediocracy. It is all bullshit.
Let us see what happens in the Army.
All Gentlemen cadets pass out from IMA, Dehradun or OTA Chennai and allotted various Arms and Services. They get time scale promotion till Lt Col at 13 years of commissioned service. The Army adopted the policy of 0 – 1 – 2 to see Infantry, Armed Corps and Mech Inf officers get their promotion boards held two years earlier over officers from Services like AOC, ASC, AMC, EME. What is the crime the officers of services have committed that their batchmates of combat arms get two year advantage in promotion in every promotion board right from Colonel to Lt Gen. Most of the staff appointments in the Army are cornered by these so called meritorious officers from Combat Arms as if officers from Combat Support Arms and Services are second or third class citizens. Do you think the guys who passed out at the same time from IMA or OTA should gain such advantage in promotion just because they joined combat arms and others were forced to join Combat Support Arms and Services suffer at every stage of promotions?
I am sure you know AMC, AD Corps and RVC officers of the rank of Lt Col with 23.5 years’ service get pay and pension more than Army Cdr.
Do you think these medicos do not strive to get higher ranks in their own corps?
If you are given a choice to become Army Cdr or AMC Officer and retire in the rank of Lt Col but draw more pay and pension than Army Cdr what would you choose?
Money may not be everything but money is also required. Perks and power wielded by higher ranks is what one motivates officers to strive, work hard and get promoted. It is not the pay of the rank that matters. Just ask a wife of superseded officer of her feelings why her husband though brilliant could not be promoted due to lack of vacancies where as the lowest in merit list in IMA/OTA got promoted as vacancies are plenty in the Comb Arms.
Then let us analyse the promotional prospects in Army.
The higher hierarchy managed to grab disproportionate number of vacancies for officers from Combat Arms as if they are God’s children.
Even a mediocre officer from Combat Arms get a higher chance to become Maj Gen and Lt Gen where as a brilliant officers from Comb Support Arms and Services do not even become a Lt Col (TS) just because vacancies are limited.
You also see how officers are promoted. It is mostly based on ACR grading. Every tom dick and harry in Armd Corps gets 8 point and brilliant guys in Comb Support Arms and Services cannot hope to get 8 pointer.
Do you think MS branch has same cut off for all Arms and Services of same batch in promotion boards?
Just how fast a mediocre guy from Comb arms rise to the rank of Lt Gen and how brilliant officers from Comb Sp Arms and Services also reach the rank of Lt Gen? I am sure the gap is almost four to five years. The Comb Arms guys enjoy higher ranks for longer periods whereas Officers from Comb Sp Arms and Services tenant higher appoints if they are lucky to reach and hold them just one or two years.
Therefore the talk of merit is all absolute and unadulterated non sense.
I am happy NFU removes the linkage of vacancies to promotions.
Why should a Lt Gen in Comb Arm feel bad if his batchmate gets pay of Lt Gen after putting 31 years’ service and Maj Gen if he puts in 19 years’ service?

Trust the Service HQ dominated by Comb Arms to frame policy on NFU. They will ensure lion’s cake goes to their sibling in Comb Arms. We need few more Mukul Devs to go to Hon’ble Supreme Court to fight our own Service HQ to see NFU is implemented in letter and spirit.
Let me also state that NFU is not linked to your coursemate. It is linked to a batch of IAS officers who are junior to you by two years getting empanelled as Jt Secy and Addl Secy. Even a superseded Major with 19 years gets pay of Maj Gen if IAS batch two years junior to him get empanelled as Jt Secy. Why should I or anyone feel aggrieved someone is compensated financially if the system has not given him promotion due to lack of vacancies?
What motivation is there for a superseded officers to strive and prove his merit if he is not compensated?
I strongly support NFU to Armed Forces so that the gross and unacceptable discrimination between Comb Arms and others is over once for all.
OROP has helped lower ranked officers also get higher pension. The gap in pension between an Army Cdr and Lt Col is now very much tolerable unlike pre – OROP days.
When NFU is implemented the pay of one batch of officers irrespective of their Arm or Service is going to be same. Therefore the term Average of pension of all Officers retiring in the same calendar year say 2013 or 2018 will not arise as all of them are going to get same pay and on retirement in pension in NFU. Therefore it becomes much easier to work out OROP after every year. The facile argument that equalising pension every year is accountant’s night more is no more valid. NFU helps us to get true OROP.
The earlier retirees will always lag behind in pension compared to the latest retirees. NFU ensures it does not if OROP is yearly revision.
I am ready to face flak from the so called meritorious and brilliant God’ children from Comb Arms over God Forsaken Officers from Comb Support Arms and Services?
Warm regards,
Brig CS Vidyasagar (Retd)
040-48540895

Potato Dishes

How to make Potato Ice Cream

POTATO ICE CREAM 

A Recipe from POTATO DISHES compiled by the Pusa Institute Ladies’ Association

Recipe and Book Review by Vikram Karve

POTATO ICE CREAM – RECIPE

Boil one litre of milk on a gentle fire till it thickens and becomes half of the original quantity.

Boil a kilo of potatoes.

Peel the boiled potatoes – mash them nicely – and add a little water – make a pulp.

Pass the boiled potato pulp pulp through a sieve to make it even.

Add this even potato pulp to the thickened milk – and cook it for a few minutes.

Add a little pista and chironji chopped fine.

Stir in one cup of sugar (a bit more if you like your ice cream sweeter).

Bring the mixture to a boil.

Cool the mixture.

Add a few drops of fine essence of your choice.

Put the mixture into a freezer and allow the ice cream to set.

Then – Dear Foodie Friend – eat the Potato Ice Cream – and let me know how it tastes – for I don’t have the courage (and stomach) to try out this exotic “experimental” recipe and sample this wacky potato ice cream myself…!!!

BOOK REVIEW

This recipe is from a cute little book I discovered in my bookcase called POTATO DISHES compiled by the Pusa Institute Ladies’ Association and published by Popular Prakashan Mumbai in 1965 priced for a “princely” sum of Rs. 2.00 (Rupees Two only).

Yes, Dear Reader – you read right – the book costs Rs. 2 only – but that was 54 years ago in the year 1965 – it “cost” Rupees Two only…!!!

Dear Reader: Please see the picture of the book below.

I wonder how this delightful cookbook entered my bookcase – probably my mother may have bought it back then…!!!

Whenever I feel low – I leaf through my book shelves and pick out a cookbook.

I browse through the appetizing recipes – and in my mind’s eye I “eat” – and relish the yummy lip-smacking cuisine – my mouth waters – my troubles seem to go away – my spirits are lifted and I feel good.

Earlier – when I was in Mumbai – I used to rush out and actually eat the dish – or something similar in lieu – which further raised my spirits to a new high.

But now that I am languishing in the back of beyond – I just savour the scrumptious food in my imagination – which may be good for my weight – and morale too…!!!

It’s true – just the thought of good food can elevate you to a happy plane of living.

This 80 page book has a collection of 120 recipes arranged in 8 sections – all featuring the ubiquitous POTATO as the main ingredient – which were compiled during a cookery exhibition of potato dishes organized by the Pusa Institute Ladies’ Association in New Delhi.

Whatever potato delicacies you could imagine like the curries, koftas, dums, sukhas, rasedars, samosas, bondas, kachories, puris, parathas, snacks, pakoras, chips, chaats, cutlets, rolls and other run of the mill stuff – everything is there.

It’s the exotic – out of the ordinary – at times seemingly outlandish dishes – that make interesting reading.

Let’s have a look at section 7 – the “Cakes” section.

The recipe for Potato Ice-Cream – described above – the recipe for Potato Ice Cream features in this section – well – I didn’t know Ice Cream was a “Cake”…!!!

The Potato Chocolate Cake, Potato Soufflé and Potato Doughnut sound interesting.

In section 8 – they have incorporated and integrated potatoes into all the known Indian sweets – Rosogullas, Chum Chums, Gulab Jamuns, Jalebis, Kheers, Halwas, Pedas and Burfis.

I wonder how they will taste and I am tempted to try a few.

I tried a recipe called Alpama – a nice spicy and healthy savory – comprising cashewnuts, dals, suji, and of course the ubiquitous potato – served piping hot – it was delicious and invigorating,,,!!!

And while you try out the Potato Ice Cream – I’ll try something substantial like Potato Paneer or the Nargis Potato Kabab.

Till Next Time – Happy Eating…!!!

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/03/potato-ice-cream.html