April | 2019 | Vikram Karve

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Freedom

April 30, 2019

FREEDOM is a Story from my book COCKTAIL – my anthology of short stories about relationships.

FREEDOM is one of my “Lazy Mumbai Stories”.

One morning – more than 19 years ago – in the year 2000 to be precise – as I watched the sea of humanity near Churchgate – hurrying to their workplaces like robots – the idea of this story germinated in my mind.

Sometime later – I wrote this “philosophical” introspective story FREEDOM.

I am posting the story below – updated and abridged – once more – for you to read.

I am sure you will enjoy reading it.

FREEDOM – Story of a “Trophy Wife”

Fiction Short Story By Vikram Karve

“Anonymity”

That’s what I like about Mumbai – “Anonymity”.

As I lose myself in the sea of humanity leaving Churchgate station in the morning rush hour – I experience a refreshing sense of solitude.

I notice that I am walking fast – in step with the crowd – as if propelled by the collective momentum.

I experience the tremendous advantages of obscurity as I lose myself in the huge enveloping deluge of people.

That’s Freedom – the power of anonymity.

But I am in no hurry.

I have no office, no destination to reach.

I have come here to spend some time with myself.

Here – no one would be watching me.

And – I can do as I please.

That’s Freedom – to be able to do as I please.

I stand outside the subway at Churchgate.

Should I turn right – walk past Asiatic Store, Gaylord Restaurant and Rustoms Ice Cream Parlour towards Marine Drive on the Arabian Sea?

Or should I go straight ahead – past Eros Cinema – to Nariman Point?

Or should I walk to my left – between the Oval and Cross Maidan – towards Hutatma Chowk – Flora Fountain?

I feel good.

I feel as if I were on top of the world.

I am free to go wherever I please.

That’s Freedom – to be able to go wherever I want to.

The essence of travel is to have no destination.

A good traveller is one who does not know where he is going to reach before he starts his journey.

You decide on the spot – instinctively – intuitively – impulsively – spontaneously.

That’s freedom – to be able to decide on the spot – to do as one likes – to go where one wants.

Yes.

That’s real and true freedom!

I choose the third option.

I turn left and leisurely walk on the pavement – looking at the boys playing cricket on the Oval to my right.

The pavement booksellers near the Central Telegraph Office are setting up shop.

I cross the road – and I stand near Flora Fountain.

I might as well ring up my husband.

Not that he would bother.

He’s not bothered about me – and neither am I bothered about him.

It is mutual – the indifference.

Yes – indifference – that is the essence of our relationship – marital indifference – mutual indifference.

That’s not freedom – indifference is not freedom…

But the mask of caring and sharing – the facade of ‘conjugal conviviality’ – it has to be carefully maintained – at least for the sake of the outside world.

That is what matters – to him, at least – and – maybe for me too; at least till now.

I search for a public telephone.

I am not carrying my cell-phone.

I did not forget to carry my mobile phone.

I purposely did not bring my mobile phone with me.

That’s freedom – unshackling myself from the manacles of my cell-phone.

I find a phone – I insert a coin – and I dial his office number.

“I shall be late today,” I say.

“Okay,” my husband replies, trying to suppress his irritation.

But I can sense his annoyance a hundred miles away – transmitted through the telephonic waves.

He doesn’t like to be disturbed at office – especially by me – for he is always too busy with his affairs.

I wonder who his latest conquest is…?

Last time it was that petite girl at his office.

She looked so innocent, so pristine, so pure – and improbable paramour for a man of 50.

Maybe that’s why she was such a good mistress – and they continued their affair for so many months.

There were many before.

There will be many in future.

Deep down I feel betrayed.

It is terrible to love and not be loved in return.

I don’t know what to do.

I feel a sense of futility and helplessness…

That’s not freedom…!!!

What can I do…?

Should I walk out of the marriage…?

And do what…?

Perhaps I can also have an affair – tit for tat.

I have the looks – but – I lack the guts.

That’s the reason why I have no choice but to continue in this futile and meaningless relationship.

That’s not freedom…!!!

That’s cowardice – what they also call compromise.

Everyone looks at us with envy and admiration.

The successful husband – the charming wife – the ideal couple – “Made for Each Other”

And from time to time – I hear myself tell everyone my biggest lie:

“I’m so lucky. It’s been a lovely marriage. My life has been such a marvellous success.”

A big lie…!!!

Mendacity, hypocrisy, pretence – that’s not freedom…!!!

I window-shop on MG Road opposite the University till I reach Kalaghoda.

There’s a sale almost everywhere.

I have a glass of refreshing cold sugarcane juice on the roadside stall.

I browse at the Magna Book Store.

I hear the latest music at Rhythm House.

I see the latest paintings at Jehangir Art Gallery.

You can see, feel, browse, and hear whatever you want but need not buy – that’s freedom…!!!

I decide to have lunch.

I eat ‘Stuffed Parathas’ at Café Samovar.

It is heavenly rich tasty stuff with an abundance of calories and cholesterol.

To hell with self-imposed killjoy restrictions – that’s freedom…!!!

I sit alone in the long rectangular restaurant which reminds me of the dining cars on trains of yesteryears.

I eat alone.

I eat unhurriedly and consciously.

It is sacrilege to eat delectable food hastily.

Nobody stares at me as I eat slowly and mindfully, relishing the piping hot stuffed parathas to the fullest – dipping them liberally in the spicy chutneys with my fingers.

I indulge till I am satiated.

Then – I follow up with ice cream.

A delightful delicious meal enjoyed alone.

Epicurean pleasure of the highest order – that’s freedom…!!!

Once again I realize the benefits of anonymity.

Nobody knows me.

Nobody is bothered about me.

The arty restaurant is full – with artists, art-lovers, office-goers, society ladies.

All busy in their own world.

The creative types – preoccupied with their own thoughts.

No one gives a damn.

This is Mumbai.

Not our company township near Pune – where my husband is the undisputed boss – the feudal lord – the ‘King’ – and I – the ‘Queen’ – pampered with all the comforts – fawned and flattered by plenty of sycophants masquerading as friends – but secretly envied by all.

It is like being trapped in a golden cage – that’s pseudo-freedom…!!!

My daughter must have returned from college.

She is independent – on her own trip – having been given all the material comforts she desires.

With every passing year – the distance between us keeps on increasing.

I telephone my daughter from the public phone outside the restaurant.

“I’ll be late…” I tell my daughter.

“So shall I…” my daughter replies, “I am going out with my friends.”

Brevity in communication – the hallmark of our family – but – is it freedom…?

I spend the next few hours doing what I always liked doing.

Aimless loafing on Colaba Causeway – a brief visit to the Museum – gazing at the ships across the Gateway of India – a movie at Regal – a walk across the Oval – invigorating Irani Style Tea at the Stadium restaurant at Churchgate – then sitting on the parapet at Marine Drive and watching the sun being swallowed up by the sea.

I lose myself in my pleasure trip – in a state of timelessness – this is freedom – not the artificial sterile synthetic life I am living…

The sky is overcast and it starts to drizzle.

I walk leisurely on A-Road – enjoying the weather.

Mumbai is at its best in the monsoon season.

I stop before my house – my old house – my parents’ house – the house of my childhood – the house where I grew up – the house my parents had to sell for my dowry – in the hope that I would enjoy a better life.

And yes – my parents were happy – they were so happy – because – for my parents – my marriage to a business tycoon was a social triumph.

I feel a sense of nostalgia.

I reminisce.

There is no greater pain than to remember happier times when one is despondent, depressed and dejected with life…

But it is also true that when one’s intractable desires are thwarted by reality, there is a tendency to hark back to happy memories.

It is indeed at vicious circle.

Yes – it is a vicious circle in which I felt trapped at that moment.

So – I turn away from my house of the past – and I walk into the present – back towards Marine Drive.

The sea is rough.

It is windy.

I can smell the rain in the distance.

I look at my watch.

It is almost 7 PM.

It is more than ten hours since I left my house in Pune.

I am enjoying the change of routine.

It is good to have a break.

After a long long time.

Most of us have a preference for some kind of routine or rhythm in our day-to-day life.

But when the rhythm becomes sinusoidal – the routine overwhelms you.

That’s when you’ve got to break it.

Like I did today.

Early in the morning – at precisely 6.30 AM – I left my house.

As usual.

But today – I wasn’t wearing leotards underneath.

Because – I wasn’t going to the health club.

I went straight to the Pune railway station and caught the Deccan Queen.

To Mumbai.

It’s raining now.

I rush towards Churchgate station.

As I cross my favourite Chinese restaurant – I wonder with whom my husband would be having his “working” dinner.

My husband wouldn’t have missed me.

We never eat together nowadays.

Except breakfast on Sundays – when he buries himself behind the newspaper – nursing a hangover.

On other days – he would be off to office by the time I return from the my health club.

And I would busy myself with my daily routine.

Everything runs like clockwork.

Everyone takes me for granted.

There are no problems.

That is the real problem.

Oh yes!

My problem is that I do not have any problems…!!!

Or do I…?

You tell me.

I catch a Volvo bus from Dadar and reach home late at night.

It’s almost 11 PM.

There is no one at home.

The servants ask me if I want anything.

I say “No”

So – they go off to sleep.

I too go off to sleep in my lonely bed.

I wake up late in the morning.

My husband gives me a beautiful diamond necklace.

He has got a gift for me – his darling wife – yes – as always – a gift to compensate his guilty conscience for his misdemeanors…

The worse the misdemeanor – the larger the guilt – and the more expensive the gift.

A gift to compensate guilt – that’s not love – that’s not freedom…!!!

We sit at the breakfast table.

I was missing for the whole day yesterday.

But – no one asks me where I was yesterday.

Maybe I have become redundant.

Or have I…?

“Be ready at 12. I’ll send the car. We’ve got to go for that business lunch at the Golf Club…” my husband snaps peremptorily.

Oh yes.

I’ll go along.

After all – I am a “Trophy Wife”

Yes – I am a beautiful “Trophy Wife” – a “prized possession” acquired by my wealthy husband – a glamorous “Trophy Wife” who he likes to flaunt in society.

So – I will have to deck up and go along with my husband – as “Arm Candy”…

As I get up to go to my room – I hear my daughter’s voice: “And, Mom – after that you’ve got to come with me to the jeweller…” my daughter commands.

That’s all I am worth these days.

I just have ornamental value.

Soon – I won’t have even that.

The moment they go away – I break into a laugh.

To hell with them…!!!

From now on I am going to be free…!!!

I will do exactly as I want.

I will go wherever I wish.

I will do whatever I please.

Yesterday – it was Mumbai.

Today – where should I go…?

Lonavala…?

No – it’s too boring.

Mumbai…?

Not again…!!!

Bangalore…?

I’ve been there many times.

Delhi…?

Maybe…!!!

Why not head for the hills – Ooty, Mussoorie, Darjeeling, Shimla, Nainital, Shillong…?

Maybe – I will escape abroad – to someplace where no one can find me.

The possibilities are endless…!!!

Hey!

Why should I tell you…?

I am free to do as I please.

I am off on my own trip.

That’s freedom…!!!

Yes – That’s freedom…!!!

I have discovered the true meaning of FREEDOM…

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
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Disclaimer:

This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/02/story-of-trophy-wife.html

This story FREEDOM was written by me Vikram Karve more than 19 years ago in the year 2000 and posted online earlier by me in my creative writing blogs a number of times including at urls: http://creative.sulekha.com/arm-candy_80938_blog and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2010/08/wanderlust-story-discovering-freedom.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/10/the-meaning-of-freedom.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/11/freedom.html andhttp://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/06/freedom-lazy-story.html andhttp://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/07/freedom-short-story.html etc

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The “Affair”

April 30, 2019

“Quintessential” Sailors are rumored to have many “Affairs”

You must have heard myths of the “colourful” love life of Sailors.

A Sailor is supposed to have a “Girl in Every Port”.

Unlike many of my shipmates and friends – who were “Dudes” – I was quite a “Prude”.

So – sadly – in my entire life – I have had only one “Affair”.

Yes – believe it or not – I have had just one “Affair” in my entire life.

It was a “pre-marital affair” – yes – the delightful “premarital affair” happened when I was a young bachelor.

Dear Reader: Let me tell you the story of my one and only “Affair”…

MY ONLY “AFFAIR” – A Fictional Spoof By Vikram Karve

42 Years Ago

Circa 1977

Office of the XO of a “Stone Frigate” (Navy Shore Establishment)

Part 1

A “DISCREET” INQUIRY

“I am warning you – you better mend your ways – or else…” the Commander shouted at me.

The Commander was the Executive Officer (XO) of the “Stone Frigate” – a Naval Training Establishment located at an isolated place in the back-of-beyond.

“I don’t understand, Sir…” I said to the XO.

“You bloody well know what I am talking about…” the XO bellowed.

“No, Sir – I don’t know what you are talking about…” I said, calmly.

“So – you want to play innocent – do you…? Okay. We will do it the proper way. You sit down…” the XO said to me.

“Thank You, Sir…” I said.

I pulled a chair – and – I sat down opposite the XO – on the other side of the table.

The XO placed a writing pad in front of him – and – he took out his pen from his pocket.

“I will ask you some questions – and – you will answer those questions truthfully…” the XO said.

“Sir – is this some sort of inquiry…?” I asked the XO.

“You can say that…” he said.

“Sir – I didn’t get any written intimation about this inquiry…”

“The Commanding Officer (CO) has told me to personally conduct a discreet inquiry since the matter is “delicate” in nature – do you understand…? Or – do you want me to march you up to the CO so that he can tell you himself…?” the XO said angrily.

“No, Sir…” I said.

“So – I will ask you some questions – and – you will answer truthfully – and – I will record my questions and your answers on this writing pad – and then – you will sign each page and at the end…”

“Sir – why don’t you get your stenographer…?”

“Because this is a “discreet” inquiry about a “delicate” matter – and – whatever happens here between you and me – it stays within the four walls of my office. Do you understand…?” the XO said.

“Aye, Aye, Sir…” I said.

“Shall we begin…” the XO asked.

“Yes, Sir…” I said.

Well – it was more of an “interrogation” than an “inquiry”.

Dear Reader: I will try to reproduce below the “interrogation report” for your perusal (to the best of my memory).

“Q” indicates “Question” – asked by the XO.

“A” indicates “Answer” to that Question – given by me.

Part 2

INTERROGATION REPORT

Q: This morning – at about 0600 Hours – you were seen leaving the house of Lieutenant “P”. Is that correct…?

A: Yes, Sir. That is correct.

Q: Lieutenant “P” is away on a course – so – Mrs. “P” and you were alone in the house for the entire night. Is that correct…?

A: Yes. Sir – that is correct – only she and I were in the house.

Q: What were you and Mrs. “P” doing the entire night…?

A: We were playing “Scrabble”…

Q: “Scrabble”…?

A: Sir – “Scrabble” is a “word game” – you have to make words from letters written on tiles by placing them on a scrabble board…

Q: You shut up…!!! Don’t try to “Bullshit” me. I know what “Scrabble” is. Are you telling me that you and Mrs. “P” were playing “Scrabble” the entire night – right until the morning…?

A: No, Sir – we didn’t play the entire night, Sir. We played “Scrabble” till around 12:30 after midnight – maybe 1 o’clock – and then – we went to sleep…”

Q: Oh – so you are admitting that you slept together…?

A: No, Sir – we did not sleep together – Mrs. “P” slept in her bedroom – and – I slept in the spare room…

Q: Are you sure…?

A: Why don’t you ask Mrs. “P”…? She will tell you what we did all night…

Q: You don’t worry about Mrs. “P”. The NOWA ladies are talking to her. You just answer the questions I am asking you. Do you understand…?

A: Aye, Aye, Sir…

Explanatory Digression:

At the time of the story in the 1970’s – what is now called NWWA (Navy Wives Welfare Association) – was known as NOWA (Naval Officers Wives Association).

Sometime in the 1980’s – NOWA – a “social” organisation of Officers’ Wives – was democratized to include Sailors’ Wives – and converted into a “welfare” organisation – and renamed NWWA (Navy Wives Welfare Association).

In a nutshell – NWWA is a “parallel hierarchy” of Navy Wives.

NWWA deals with “welfare” issues – like it was trying to do in this case – by “counselling” Mrs. “P” on LLQ (Lady Like Qualities).

Army and Air Force Wives too have similar “welfare” organisations called AWWA and AFWWA.

After this aside – let us continue with the “interrogation”…

The XO paused for a moment before he asked me the next question…

Q: Do you know the meaning of the term “Stealing Affections”…?

A: Yes, Sir – “stealing affections” is military euphemism for a “seductive love affair”, most likely an “extramarital affair” or “adultery”.

Q: That’s right. Are you aware of that “Stealing the Affection of a Brother Officer’s Wife” is an offence…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: Let me reiterate for your benefit that “stealing the affection of a brother officer’s wife” is deemed to be conduct unbecoming of an officer and conduct prejudicial to good order and naval discipline and is considered a serious offence. Do you know this…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: Would you say that Lieutenant “P” is your “Brother Officer”…?

A: Of course, Sir – Lieutenant “P” is 3 years senior to me – but – he is certainly a “Brother Officer”…

Q: So – Mrs. “P” is a “Brother Officer’s Wife” – isn’t she…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: So – will I be correct if I say that you are trying to steal the affection of a brother officer’s wife…?

A: What nonsense, Sir…? Are you saying that playing “Scrabble” is tantamount to “stealing affections”…?

Q: Cool down. Talk properly. I am your superior officer.

A: I am sorry, Sir.

Q: I will ask the questions – and – you will answer my questions. You will not ask counter-questions. Do you understand…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: Do you accept it – or – do you deny it…?

A: I did not understand, Sir.

Q: Do you accept that you are guilty of stealing the affection of a brother officer’s wife…?

A: No, Sir – I did not steal her affections…

Q: Well – the fact that you accept spending the whole night with Mrs. “P” in her house is enough “circumstantial evidence” from which your guilt can be inferred – but – if you want me to elaborate – we have more “circumstantial evidence” about your immoral intentions. Do you want to hear it…?

A: Sir – you have a wrong opinion about me – I have no immoral intentions…

Q: That we will see. You just answer my questions. Do you understand…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: Is it true that Mrs. “P” visits your cabin in the Officers’ Mess quite frequently…?

A: Not frequently, Sir – but – yes – she has come to my cabin a few times…

Q: Did Mrs. “P” visit your cabin last evening…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: You took her to your cabin…?

A: No, Sir – when I returned to my cabin after playing squash – I found her sitting inside.

Q: Sitting inside…? Does Mrs. “P” have the keys to your cabin…?

A: No, Sir – the steward had the key – she must have asked him to open it…

Q: What was Mrs. “P” doing when you came back after playing squash…?

A: She was sitting in the balcony…

Q: Was she wearing “hot pants”…?

A: “Hot Pants”…? Sir – I do not understand.

Q: What was Mrs. “P” wearing…?

A: She was wearing T-Shirt and Shorts. They were not “hot pants” – she was wearing shorts.

Q: Oh – she was wearing shorts – do you feel that it is an appropriate dress for a lady to wear in a single officer’s cabin…?

A: Sir, she played a game of squash with me – then – I wanted to play another game with an officer – so – she left…

Q: Are you aware that as per the Mess Rules – Ladies are not permitted in Single Officers’ Cabins…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: You knew this rule – still you took her to your cabin…?

A: Sir – I did not take her to my cabin – she went there on her own…

Q: Is it true that you two were drinking liquor in your cabin…?

A: Sir – are we under surveillance or something…? You even know what we were drinking…?

Q: Answer my question. What were you two drinking…?

A: Rum and Coke – both of us were drinking Rum and Cola.

Q: Are you aware that as per Mess Rules you are not permitted to drink liquor in your cabin…?

A: Yes, Sir.

Q: And you two were smoking too – isn’t it…?

A: Sir – we were smoking tobacco cigarettes – not “hash”. Is smoking banned in officers’ cabins too…? Or – are you implying that if a woman drinks and smokes – she is automatically presumed to be promiscuous…?

Q: Isn’t that leading to “circumstantial evidence” of stealing the affections of a brother officer’s wife…?

A: What nonsense, Sir. It is your “opinion” – and – opinion is not evidence.

Q: You two – Mrs. “P” and You – you two were drinking and smoking till around 2100 Hours – then – you went to the Mess – you picked up some packed food – and then – you both walked down to her house – and – you were seen leaving her house at 0600 Hours in the morning. We have recorded statements from witnesses. Are you still denying that you tried to steal the affections of a brother officer’s wife…?”

A: Sir – you can throw the book at me – but I don’t care. Yes – I broke Mess Rules – but – I did not “steal her affections” – I told you – we were playing “Scrabble”…

Q: Since you refuse to admit your guilt – I will put up the report to the CO and let him decide what to do with you. Till then – with immediate effect – you will have no contact with Mrs. “P” whatsoever – do you understand…?

A: Sir, you cannot interfere in my personal life. Mrs. “P” is a friend of mine – and – our friendship is none of your business. And – by the way – has Lieutenant “P”complained that I am stealing his wife’s affections…? It is only he – Lieutenant “P” –who can object to my friendship with his wife – not you. And – for your information – it was Lieutenant “P” who asked me to look after his wife during his absence.

Q: You don’t worry about Mrs. “P” – she will be looked after well by the other ladies – in fact – the NOWA “office bearers” are with her right now to give her any help that she wants. As far as you are concerned – I am ordering you not to meet Mrs. “P”. You will give a written undertaking to that effect. Is that clear…?

A: Sir – I am not going to give any written undertaking. I am not going to sign anything which casts aspersions on my character – because – I have not done anything wrong. I will continue my friendship with Mrs. “P” – as long as she wants it. Sir – you can tell the CO to do whatever he wants – but – I will fight it out.

With these words – I got up from my seat – I put on my cap – I saluted the XO – and – I walked out of his office.

Part 3

“STEALING AFFECTIONS”

At 1700 Hours (5 in the evening) there was a NOWA Ladies’ Meet in the Officers’ Mess.

Mrs. “P” had been “ordered” to attend the NOWA Ladies Meet.

So – ideally – at 1645 Hours – Mrs. “P” should have been walking with other ladies to the Officers’ Mess – to attend the Ladies’ Meet.

However – instead of walking to the Officers’ Mess – Mrs. “P” was sitting behind me on my motorcycle – dressed in skin-tight Jeans and a rather skimpy Top – her legs astride – her arms around me – as we drove to town to see a Movie.

In fact – as we crossed the Ladies – Mrs. “P” clung onto me – holding me tightly – and – I drove slowly near the ladies – making sure that everyone saw us – sitting “indecently” in a “compromising position”…

As soon as the office opened next morning – the CO had a private “conference” with the XO.

The XO told the CO what had happened during his “interrogation” conversation with me.

The XO also told the CO about the evening’s episode – about Mrs. “P” clinging to me tightly on my bike – which he had learnt about from his wife.

Of course – the CO’s wife had already been briefed her husband (the CO)

She had told him about Mrs. “P” and Me – sitting “indecently” in a “compromising position” on my bike

Of course – the CO’s wife had added a lot of “masala” to make our “love” story even more “spicy”.

The CO and XO discussed the matter.

The XO stated that I was brazenly disobeying his “order” that I should stop seeing Mrs. “P” with immediate effect – and I was openly moving around with her on my bike – and that too we were seen sitting “indecently” in a “compromising position”.

“So – what should we do…?” asked the CO.

“Sir – the bugger deserves to be court-martialled…” the XO said.

“Are you crazy…? The whole world will come to know – and – I can’t afford any scandal under my command – especially now. Don’t you know – “ACR time” is coming up – and – my promotion board is next year. It is a huge batch and there are hardly any vacancies – and – just one small blot is enough to ruin me – so – I can’t afford to take any chances…” the CO said.

“Yes, Sir…” the XO said.

“That bugger wanted a transfer from this place – didn’t he…?” the CO asked the XO.

“Yes, Sir – he had put up a formal request for a transfer to Mumbai saying that as a bachelor he found it difficult to live in this desolate place…”

“I think he had approached the “Captain Commandant” also…”

“Yes, Sir…”

“Okay – let’s transfer him out – “good riddance to bad rubbish”…”

“Sir – let’s send him to “Kala Pani” – we will post him to some remote island. A severe “punishment posting” will serve him right and bring him to his senses…”

“Are you crazy…? If you do such a stupid thing – he will raise a bloody “shindig” – the bugger is sure to make “noise” and raise a “stink”. He is a “funny” bugger – a bloody “troublemaker” – he will put up a “rep” – or complain to someone higher-up – that he is being “victimized”. I told you that I want this whole scandal “hushed-up”. We will give him his “choice transfer” to Mumbai – so that he will keep his mouth shut…”

“Sir – will you speak to…?”

“No. No. I don’t want to get involved in this murky affair. You get it done at your level. You can do it – can’t you…?”

“Yes, Sir. I will get it done…”

“I want the officer out of here by today – he should be on the evening train to Mumbai…”

“Yes, Sir – I will see to it. And Sir – let’s get rid of Mrs. “P” too – so the whole scandalous affair will be forgotten once and for all…”

“What do you mean…?”

“Sir – I will ask them to transfer Lieutenant “P” to Delhi…”

“Delhi…?”

“Mrs. “P” is from Delhi – and – Lieutenant “P” has given Delhi as his “choice station” – so that his wife can start working again…”

“Oh – so that is the “root cause” of the problem – these “career women” get restless in small isolated cantonments like this – and they create all sorts of problems. Okay – go ahead – you tell them to issue the transfer order effective next month – so we can pack off Lieutenant “P” and Mrs. “P” to Delhi the moment Lieutenant “P” returns from his course…”

“Aye, Aye, Sir…”

“I want the transfer orders issued immediately – can you get it done – after all – both of them are piddly Lieutenants…”

“I will get it done, Sir – both transfer orders will be issued today. I will ensure that the “troublemaker” officer will be on the evening train to Mumbai. And – Lieutenant “P” and his wife will be off to Delhi the moment he returns from the course next month…”

“Very Good…” the CO said, “organize a farewell PLD for the “troublemaker” bugger today afternoon – and make sure you put him on the evening train to Mumbai…”

“Aye, Aye, Sir…” the XO said.

EPILOGUE

Three Months Later

Thanks to the “Stealing Affections” gambit – I got my “Choice Transfer” to Mumbai.

I settled down well in my new job in Mumbai.

Three months later – I was sent on a “Temporary Duty” to Delhi to attend a conference.

On my very first evening – I duly “called on” Lieutenant “P” and Mrs. “P” – in their small flat in Curzon Road Apartments in New Delhi.

Lieutenant “P” and Mrs. “P” were delighted to see me.

Lieutenant “P” said to me:

“So – the “slam-dunk” worked. Your “affair” with my wife was “fruitful”…”

“Yes, Sir – both of us got our “Choice Postings” – Me – to Mumbai – and – You – to Delhi…” I said.

“Yes – everyone was fooled by your smart “Stealing Affections”trick…” Lieutenant “P” said.

“Yes, Sir – I must especially thank your wife…” I said – looking at Mrs. “P” with admiration.

“Actually – I must thank you – you really helped me to restart my career…” Mrs. “P” said to me.

“You have restarted your career…?”

“Yes – I have restarted my career…” Mrs. “P” said, “I had quit my job the moment I got married – so that I could live with my husband. But – when I landed up in that godforsaken place – it was a terrible shock for a “city girl” like me. And then – my husband was sent away on that course – and – for me – living all alone in that lonely miserable place with nothing to do – I was going crazy. Now – I have got my job back – the same job I had quit when I got married – and – I am enjoying working so much…”

“So – it is “win-win” for all of us…” I said.

“Yes – it’s a “win-win” situation – so let’s say “Cheers” to that…” Lieutenant “P” said.

And – we – all three of us – Lieutenant “P”, Mrs. “P” and Me – we raised our glasses to celebrate.

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: https://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/04/the-affair-stealing-affections.html

and in my various writing blogs including at urlshttps://karve.wordpress.com/2017/09/26/my-only-affair/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/05/24/the-story-of-my-one-and-only-affair/

This Blog Post is a Revised Re-Post of my Story STEALING THE AFFECTION OF A BROTHER OFFICER’S WIFE posted online earlier in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/08/humor-in-uniform-stealing-affection-of.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/09/humor-in-uniform-how-to-get-choice.html

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“Pongo” and “Pani Puri” – Humor in Uniform

April 29, 2019

In a previous Blog Post on why an Armyman is called a Pongo – I had promised to tell you the story of “Pongo” and “Pani Puri”.

Here is the story…

The Story of “Colonel Blimp” and “Pani Puri”

“PONGO”

One of the perils of “jointmanship” is that the numerically smaller services – the Navy and the Air Force – are losing their unique identity – and – the Army is trying to make everyone a “Pongo” – under the guise of “standardisation”.

Someone told me that the traditional “Subtle” Navy Parade Drill was changed a few years ago to be in conformance with rather “Brash” Army Drill Practice.

The Navy has imitated the Army and introduced Army Style Collar Tabs on its uniforms for senior officers – and made the Naval Uniforms more “showy” – like the Army – by introducing various accoutrements and badges – and hardly any Navy Officer now wears the traditional simple No. 8 Navy Shirt and Shorts Uniform (“half-pant”) which is most comfortable and apt for the tropics.

Earlier – you could easily distinguish between a Sailor and a “Pongo”.

In most cases – a Naval Officer would sport a full-set beard or sideburns till the bottom of the ear-lobe – and have a decent length of hair.

Now – I have observed that most young Naval Officers prefer to have Army Style Crew Cuts – and very few Navy Officers sport traditional flowing full-set beards.

Earlier – “Pongos” in white uniform were quite rare.

Now – almost every Sailor looks like a “Pongo”.

Let me delve into my my “Humor in Uniform” Archives and tell you a story of one such “Pongo” in white uniform.

But before that – let me tell you why army-men are called “Pongos”.

Yes – “Pongo” is Naval Slang for an Army Soldier.

Why is an Armyman called a “Pongo”…?

Well – there are many apocryphal stories on the origins of the term “Pongo”.

Here is one such yarn that I heard long back from an old “Sea Dog”.

He told me that the term “Pongo” originated in the Royal Navy to denote an infantryman.

As per a myth – the “Pongo” was a unique ape.

When he sensed danger or felt scared – the “Pongo” did not climb trees like most apes or monkeys normally do.

But the “Pongo” would dig holes in the earth and hide himself in the ground – in the same way as infantrymen dug in and entrenched themselves in the ground when they were under attack in battle.

Another similar yarn says that “Pongo” is derived from the archaic name for the Orangutan – which had the habit of digging holes in the ground for no apparent reason – and then filling the holes back.

The Sailors probably observed Army Soldiers digging away – and hence the nickname “Pongo” for Army Soldiers.

Sorry for the digression, Dear Reader.

Here is the story of a “Pongo” in the Navy.

Have a Laugh…!!!

“COLONEL BLIMP” AND PANI PURI

A Fictional Spoof By Vikram Karve

THE OLQ OBSESSED KILLJOY “PONGO” IN WHITE UNIFORM

More than 42 years ago – way back in the 1970’s – when we were young Sub-Lieutenants – undergoing our specialisation course at a Navy “Stone Frigate” – we had a “Colonel Blimp” type Training Officer.

He was more of a “Pongo” than a Naval Officer.

Though he was only a few years senior to us – he was a pompous snob with rather archaic ultra-conservative conformist views.

This officer was truly a “Relic of the Raj”.

A quintessential Military Archetype – a typical “Sainik” School and ex-NDA type – he had seen very less of the civilian world.

As far as he was concerned – like a “frog in a well” – the “Fauj” (Military) was the “be all and end all” of his life.

In fact – he was so “OG” – that we thought that he was better suited for the Army – rather than for the Navy.

Yes – he was more of a “spit and polish” prim and proper “Pongo” – than a carefree happy-go-lucky Sailor.

He would have been better off wearing Army Olive Green (OG) – rather than donning Navy Whites.

His favourite pastime was to deliver sermons on military conduct – and give us moral lectures on OLQ (Officer Like Qualities)

He would pontificate about service etiquette and social graces – and how we must conduct ourselves as officers.

But – one thing was sure.

He practiced what he preached.

And – he preached what he practiced.

His turn-out was spotless – and his “military” bearing was always immaculate – his “officer-like conduct” was unblemished – and he always put “service before self”.

But for us young happy-go-lucky youngsters who wanted to enjoy life – this “Colonel Blimp” was a big pain in the neck.

OFFICERS DO NOT EAT “PANI PURI”

One evening while on liberty (shore leave) – we were enjoying eating delicious Pani Puri (Gol Gappa) at a roadside stall.

“Colonel Blimp” who was driving by on his scooter saw us eating Pani Puri – and worse – we were eating at a roadside stall.

He looked totally shocked and appalled.

But he did not say anything there – but just drove by on his scooter.

Next morning he lined us up – and gave us what in Naval parlance is called a “bottle” – a very severe reprimand and scolding which I can remember even today:

“How can officers behave like this…?”

“You uncivilized buggers were eating Pani Puri at a roadside stall…?”

“It is just not done…!!!”

“Officers must have proper “class”.

You are no longer college students.

As officers – you must dine in good decent restaurants.

“Remember that your conduct is being watched at all times.”

“As Officers – you are expected to conduct yourselves with proper dignity.”

“Officers are not expected to hang out like hooligans in the open – Officers are not supposed to eat junk food like “Pani-Puri” at roadside stalls…”

“Colonel Blimp” went on and on and on and on – a long “sermon”…

Then – after he had finished his tirade – he admonished us:

“You bloody “riff-raff” are not fit to go ashore.

So – I am stopping your liberty as a punishment…”

So – as punishment for our foodie escapades – “Colonel Blimp” stopped our liberty.

Now – we could no longer go out and enjoy the delights the city had to offer.

Thus – we had no choice but to spend the rest of our training period evenings in the Wardroom Bar – drowning our sorrows in alcohol.

5 YEARS LATER

New Delhi

A few years later – on a winter evening in Delhi – my wife and I walked down from our flat in Curzon Road Apartments on Kasturba Gandhi Marg to Bengali Market for our customary evening “tiffin” snacking.

Suddenly – I spotted “Colonel Blimp” at the famous Chaat Stall in Bengali Market.

Standing next to him was a beautiful woman.

The beautiful woman was eating Pani Puri

“Colonel Blimp” was looking at the gorgeous lady in a rather cold and disapproving sort of way.

But – this did not seem to bother the ravishing beauty – and she was thoroughly enjoying herself eating Pani Puri.

She was eating pani puri after pani puri – and slurping her tongue – and smacking her lips in delight.

I could not miss this opportunity – so I walked up to “Colonel Blimp” – and – I introduced my wife.

“Colonel Blimp” introduced the gorgeous woman as his fiancée.

The beautiful lady – Colonel Blimp’s fiancée – she asked us:

“Hey Guys – care for some Pani Puri…?”

This was an offer I could not refuse – so I said:

“Sure – we would love to have Pani Puri.”

And then – all of us (except “Colonel Blimp”) – we – Colonel Blimp’s fiancée, my wife and I – we relished plate after plate of lip-smacking pani puri and chaat

Yes – we gorged on pani puri and all types of delicious chaat

We all stood on the road and ate pani puri and chaat – except “Colonel Blimp”.

Yes – the Killjoy OLQ Obsessed Pongo “Colonel Blimp” was the only one who did not eat Pani Puri.

He looked at us with discomfiture.

He staunchly refused our repeated invitations to join us in eating the delicious mouthwatering Pani Puri and chaat.

While leaving – “Colonel Blimp” gave me a stern disapproving look.

I knew he was itching to deliver his stock moral lecture – his standard sermon on “OLQ”.

But then – in his rule-book – “it was just not done” to bullshit juniors in front of ladies.

So – I was spared the agony of a public scolding.

On our way back – I told my wife the story of “Colonel Blimp”.

My wife was was sure that – the Killjoy OLQ obsessed Pongo “Colonel Blimp” – he would dump his fun-loving “un-officer-like” fiancée – as they seemed to be most incompatible for each other.

But – to our surprise – we soon got an invitation for their wedding.

Of course – his wedding reception was held in the service institute – and everything at the wedding reception was done in a most “officer like manner”

Colonel Blimp’s wedding reception was an extremely decorous and most formal occasion – as if it were an official party.

His newly wedded wife was conducting herself in a very prim and proper manner.

We were convinced that OLQ Obsessed Pongo “Colonel Blimp” had taken charge of his wife – and he had duly indoctrinated her on the finer aspects of “OLQ”, social graces and service etiquette – and he had drilled into her – as to what was expected of her as a typical Naval Officer’s wife.

It seemed that the OLQ Obsessed Pongo “Colonel Blimp” had converted the fun loving vivacious young girl into a quintessential “NWWA Type Navy Wife”.

ARE OFFICERS ALLOWED TO EAT “PANI PURI” (GOL GAPPA)…?

A few days later – one evening – my wife and I were walking down from Kota House towards India Gate on Shahjahan Road.

Suddenly we saw Pongo “Colonel Blimp” eating Pani Puri at the famous “UPSC Chaat Wala” Stall – along with his vivacious wife.

I could not believe my eyes.

Yes – Killjoy Pongo “Colonel Blimp” was actually relishing Pani Puri on a roadside stall.

The moment he saw us – he waved to us and invited us over for some Chaat and Pani Puri

I was stunned.

This was an invitation we could not refuse.

It was great to see Killjoy Pongo “Colonel Blimp” standing on the roadside – smiling and laughing with abandon – while he ate Pani Puri and Chaat at the roadside stall.

The metamorphosis was amazing.

It seemed that Killjoy Pongo “Colonel Blimp” had lost all his stiff Military “OG-ness”.

He was behaving like a normal “civilian” human being.

He was thoroughly enjoying himself – digging into chaat – and then popping pani puris into his mouth – eating gol gappa after gol gappa – in a very carefree manner – totally oblivious of the surroundings.

The vivacious girl had succeeded in transforming the “spit and polish” – “prim and proper” – OLQ obsessed killjoy Pongo – “Colonel Blimp” – into a carefree “happy-go-lucky” Sailor.

I have seen many Officers change for the better after marriage.

And – of course – some Officers change for the worse after marriage.

I had a carefree “devil-may-care” happy-go-lucky coursemate – who suddenly became ambitious and career conscious after marriage.

But that’s another story…

For now – let us enjoy the “Pani Puri” story of OLQ Obsessed Killjoy Pongo “Colonel Blimp” and have a laugh…

Dear Reader:

Do tell us about your favourite “Pani Puri”…

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

This blog post is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/07/metamorphosis-of-killjoy-story-of.html

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Humor in Uniform – What is the “USP” of Military/Navy Life…? – The Story of Lieutenant “Z”

April 28, 2019

From time to time – we Navy Veterans of Pune get together for Navy Foundation Meets – at Pune – or nearby locations like Khadakvasla, Lonavala etc – day long lunch meets for Retired Naval Officers of Pune.

Most Navy Veterans enjoy chilled beer and delicious food in picturesque surroundings talking about their wonderful Navy days.

But – some “Killjoys” keep discussing depressing topics like OROP – the perceived downgradation of Status/Pay/Perks of Defence Services vis-a-vis Civil Services – and – the denial of NFU to Defence Services on par with Civil Services – etc etc etc.

I also notice that – nowadays – many Defence Officers and Military Veterans seem to be obsessed with the abovementioned issues (OROP, Civil-vs-Military Status, NFU etc) pertaining to Status/Pay/Perks etc. even on the Social Media.

This was not so in the 1970s – when we were young Naval Officers.

We believed in a loftier “plane of living”.

We didn’t give a tinker’s damn for such mundane issues like status/pay etc.

We had other priorities in life.

As I hark back to those wonderful navy days – I am reminded of many stories of our carefree life of ships – when things like status/pay were the least of our priorities.

We were not ambitious or career-conscious.

Our sole aim was to enjoy life to the fullest.

Here is the “memoir” from those happiest days of my life – my early bachelor days in the Navy – the story of Lieutenant “Z” – an unforgettable character I had met during my early days in the Navy.

This hilarious story happened more than 42 years ago – in the 1970’s

Read on – and – have a laugh…

The Story of Lieutenant “Z”

A Spoof By Vikram Karve

(This Story happened on a Frontline Warship based at Mumbai – Circa 1977)

Lieutenant “Z” was transferred to Kolkata

(Those days – in the 1970’s – Kolkata was called Calcutta – but I will use the present name Kolkata in this story)

The “powers-that-be” thought Lieutenant “Z” would be very happy with his transfer – since Kolkata was his hometown.

Instead of being happy on seeing his transfer order – surprisingly – Lieutenant “Z” got very upset.

So – Lieutenant “Z” rushed to his ship’s Captain to get his transfer cancelled.

“We thought you would be happy – Kolkata is your hometown – you are lucky to get a “hometown posting”…” the Captain said.

“Sir – I don’t want to leave the ship…” Lieutenant “Z” said.

“Oh – it’s good to see that you are a true “sea-dog” – and you like the tough life at sea – but then – you have to go ashore…” the Captain said.

“But – Why – Sir…?” Lieutenant “Z” asked.

“See – you got your ‘watchkeeping ticket’ last year – and you have served for more than one year on board as a sea watch-keeping officer – and you will be due for your ‘Long Course’ after 2 years…” the Captain said to Lieutenant “Z”.

“Sir – I can spend these 2 years on board this ship – or some other ship – but I don’t want to go to Kolkata – especially in that shore appointment…” Lieutenant “Z” said.

The Captain was getting exasperated – so he said a bit angrily to the young officer:

“Look here Lieutenant “Z” – there is a bloody shortage of ships and sea billets – and we have plenty of young officers waiting for their watch-keeping tickets – so you will have to cool your heels ashore for 2 years till your ‘Long Course’ comes through…”

“Okay – Sir – if I have to go ashore – then please change my transfer to some other place – I do not wish to go to Kolkata…” Lieutenant “Z” said.

“I just don’t understand you – what’s wrong with Kolkata – it is your hometown – you can be with your parents, family and friends – I personally talked to the Director of Personnel (DOP) to get you this appointment – your CO at Kolkata is my friend and he is an excellent officer – he will give you a thumping ACR which will boost your career…” the Captain said.

“Sir – I don’t want to go to Kolkata…” Lieutenant “Z” said firmly.

Getting angry – the Captain looked at Lieutenant “Z” – and – the Captain said threateningly:

“Lieutenant “Z” – I am warning you – if you act funny – we will send to ‘Kala Pani’ in the Andamans…”

“Sir – please send me to the Andamans…” “Lieutenant “Z” said happily.

The Captain was taken aback by this retort of Lieutenant “Z”

So – the Captain asked Lieutenant “Z”:

“Are you crazy…? Why don’t you want to go to Kolkata…? Do you have you some family problems…?”

“Sir – Booze is expensive in Kolkata…” said Lieutenant “Z”, matter-of-factly.

“What…? What do you mean ‘Booze is expensive in Kolkata’…? Is that the reason why you do not want to go there…?” an incredulous Captain asked “Lieutenant “Z”.

“Sir – the only worthwhile perk we get in the Navy is “Concessional Liquor” – that is why I want to remain on board ship so that I can enjoy ‘duty-free booze’ – but if I have to go ashore – please send me to a place where ‘Military Booze’ is cheap. Sir – the price of CSD Quota Liquor in Bengal is 3 times more expensive than the price out here in Maharashtra…” said Lieutenant “Z”.

(This story happened in the 1970’s – when CSD Quota Liquor was cheapest in Maharashtra.

However – since tax concessions are given by State Governments – and local taxes/concessions keep changing from time to time – the situation may be quite different now – and it is possible that ‘Military Booze’ may be more expensive in Maharashtra than in other states.

But even now – the prices of CSD Quota Liquor vary widely from state to state – so ‘Military Booze’ is cheaper in some states – and more expensive in other states)

Now – after this brief aside – let us continue with the interesting tête-à-tête between Lieutenant “Z” and his Captain…

“So – you want to remain on board this ship so that you can enjoy cheap ‘Duty Free Booze’…?” the Captain asked Lieutenant “Z”.

“Yes, Sir…” Lieutenant “Z” said.

“Are you telling me that you even prefer to go to the Andamans because booze is cheaper there…?” the Captain asked Lieutenant “Z”.

“Yes, Sir…”

“It seems that you joined the Navy to drink Liquor…!!!”

“Yes, Sir…”

“What nonsense…? Are you crazy…? Are you telling me that you joined the Navy to drink liquor…?” the Captain shouted at Lieutenant “Z”.

“Sir – the main reason I joined the ‘Boozy Navy’ was to enjoy the best of ‘Duty-Free’ Booze – that is the reason why I want to serve on ships for the maximum possible time. But – if I have to go ashore – the least I can do is to enjoy my full quota of CSD ‘Military Liquor’ at the cheapest possible rates…” said Lieutenant “Z”, speaking candidly:

“Are you mad…? Are you saying that the only reason why people should join the Defence Services is to drink alcohol…? That means – according to you – teetotallers should not join the Navy – or the Armed Forces…” the Captain said to Lieutenant “Z”

“Sir – I told you before – the only worthwhile perk we get in the Defence Services is ‘Concessional Liquor’ – so what is the point of wasting your life in the Military if you are not going to enjoy this exclusive ‘Fauji Perk’ of ‘Military Booze’…? And if you don’t drink – if you are a teetotaller – you might as well take up a civilian job – you can live a comfortable life – and – you can earn plenty of money…” Lieutenant “Z” pontificated.

“I am a strict teetotaller – I don’t touch alcohol. Are you saying that I am wasting my time in the Navy…?” the Captain said angrily.

“Sir – just think of all the ‘Duty-Free’ Booze and CSD Quota Liquor you have missed out on in all these 25 years of your service…” Lieutenant “Z” said – with genuine regret in his eyes.

“You are a crazy bugger…!!! Just get out my cabin…” the Captain shouted at Lieutenant “Z”.

EPILOGUE

Two things happened after this amusing tête-à-tête between Lieutenant “Z” and his Captain.

The Captain picked up the phone and spoke to the DOP (who was his course-mate).

The DOP had a big laugh when the Captain told him the ‘Boozy’ reason why Lieutenant “Z”wanted his transfer changed.

Since there was no billet available in the Andamans (where ‘Military Booze’ was the cheapest in those days) – DOP did the next best thing possible – and – Lieutenant “Z”was transferred as a Divisional Officer to NDA near Pune where the price of CSD Quota Liquor was the same as in Mumbai – since both Pune and Mumbai were in Maharashtra State.

Then – the Captain thought about his conversation with Lieutenant “Z”.

Lieutenant “Z” had a point.

Every job had its perks – the Railways gave free Rail Passes to its employees – Airlines gave free Air Tickets – Academicians got sabbaticals – the Corporate Sector too gave a variety of perks and freebies to its Executives – and everyone availed of these perks.

Similarly – the Defence Services too had their perks.

And – in the Armed Forces – the most unique ‘Military Perk’ was ‘Concessional Liquor’.

So – what was the point in joining the Navy if you were not interested in availing of this most Precious Perk of ‘Concessional Liquor’ – especially the ‘Duty-Free Foreign Liquor’ available on board ships…?

Why reliquish and forgo such a valuable perk given to you – and then – regret later – and complain after retirement – that you could not make the most of all the perks given to you by the Navy…?

The Captain thought of the “notional loss” he had incurred during the 25 long “teetotalism” years of abstinence during his long service in the Navy.

Yes – the Captain had incurred a huge “notional loss” in all his 25 years of Naval Service – just because he had “sacrificed” this exclusive “Military Perk” of concessional liquor – by not availing his authorised “CSD Liquor Quota” – and – by not enjoying “Duty-Free” Booze – on board all the Navy Ships – on which he had served during his 25 years in the Navy.

There is a saying:

“Better Late than Never…”

The Captain asked his steward to get him some chilled Beer.

It was only 11 o’clock in the morning.

But – that did not matter.

The Captain wanted to make up for all these 25 lost years of teetotalism and abstinence – and – the Captain wanted to make good as much of the “notional loss” as possible – in the remaining years of his service.

At first – the Captain’s Steward was a bit surprised to see his teetotaller Captain order Beer – and that too at 11 AM in the morning.

But – when the Steward saw the Captain gesturing him to hurry up – the Steward served the Captain a chilled can of Premium Imported Beer (available dirt cheap at ‘duty-free’ rates on board ship).

This was the Captain’s first sip of Booze ever since he joined the Navy more than 25 years ago.

Cheers…!!!

AFTERTHOUGHT

“Concessional Liquor” – the Unique Selling Proposition aka “USP” of Military/Navy Life

Instead of wasting money on all those fancy unrealistic military recruitment advertisements – why don’t the Defence Services highlight “CSD Quota Concessional Liquor” as the “USP” of Military Life…?

And – of course – as far as the Navy is concerned – shouldn’t “Duty Free Booze” be highlighted as a special incentive to join the Navy…?

Think about it … !!!

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
This Story and All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/10/humor-in-uniform-hometown-posting.html

Revised version of my story THE BOOZY NAVY written by me Vikram Karve on 25 May 2015 and and posted online in my blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/humor-in-uniform-boozy-navy.html and revised/reposted on 12 October 2015 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/10/humor-in-uniform-question-of-perks.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/06/humor-in-uniform-usp-of-military-life.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/02/yo-ho-ho-and-bottle-of-rum-humor-in.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/09/humor-in-uniform-how-to-get-your.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/10/25/humor-in-uniform-the-story-of-lieutenant-z/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/10/09/why-lieutenant-z-joined-the-navy/ and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/06/humor-in-uniform-usp-of-defence-services.html

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“Dating” Made Simple – How to “Date”

April 27, 2019

Dear Reader:

Do you want to know “How to Date”…?

Well – instead of pontificating on the subject of “Dating” – I will tell you the story of my first date.

I am sure this story will enlighten you on “How to Date”…

THE STORY OF MY FIRST DATE

Do you remember your first “Date”…?

I do.

Let me tell you about it.

This story happened more than 42 years ago – in the 1970’s …

MY FIRST DATE

A Story From My “Romantic” Navy Days By Vikram Karve

Part 1 – SETTING UP MY FIRST DATE (Mumbai – Circa 1977)

One evening – when our ship returned to Mumbai after a long sailing – I was sitting in my ship’s Wardroom – drinking whisky all alone in the corner.

A shipmate arrived with his girlfriend.

He was the senior-most ‘in-living’ officer – the TASO (Torpedo Anti-Submarine Officer).

[With our penchant for changing names – and – in consonance with the increasing “Americanization” of our erstwhile “Royal” Navy Culture – TASO was later re-designated as ASWO (Anti-Submarine Warfare Officer)…]

The TASO had brought his girlfriend onboard ship for a “date”.

I rose from my seat – and I wished the TASO and his lady friend.

The TASO introduced me to his girlfriend – and he invited me to join them for a drink.

After we were seated – the TASO said to me:

“What’s wrong with you…? We have returned to port after a long time – everyone is painting the town red – and you are drinking all by yourself in the Wardroom…? You must get yourself a ‘girlfriend’ – and go out and enjoy yourself…”

“Sir – I don’t know any girls in Mumbai…” I said.

The TASO felt pity on my drab “romantic life” – so he told his girlfriend to set up a date for me.

“I know just the girl…” the TASO’s girlfriend said.

“Really…? You know a girl suitable for him. Who is she…?” the TASO asked her.

“My new roommate – she has just been dumped by her boyfriend…” the TASO’s girlfriend said.

“But will she be okay for him…? Does she like Navy ‘Dudes’…?” the TASO asked his girlfriend.

“Of course she will like him. My roommate is an ‘Army Brat’ – actually she is from Delhi – and recently – her boyfriend dumped her – he was her colleague in her Delhi office – and she felt terrible seeing him in office every day – so she asked for a transfer to Mumbai and she arrived here last week – she is new to Mumbai – she doesn’t know anyone here – so she should be willing – and – besides – I told you that she is an ‘Army Brat’ – so she may like someone from ‘Defence Background’…” the TASO’s girlfriend said.

“Oh – so she has been recently dumped – and – she is new to Mumbai…? What an ideal situation…? I am sure she must be yearning for some company…” the TASO said.

Then – the TASO looked and me – and he said to me:

“So – lucky guy – your job is done. Now – you tie up with her…” the TASO said – pointing at his girlfriend.

The TASO’s girlfriend smiled at me and said: “I will ask her and let you know…”

Two days later – the TASO called me to his cabin and said to me:

“You lucky guy – your ‘date’ is fixed…”

And so – my ‘date’ was set up – my very first ‘date’.

Part 2 – MORNING AFTER MY FIRST DATE

“How was your ‘date’…?” the TASO asked me – the very next morning after my ‘date’ with the girl.

“It was a great success…” I said.

“Really…?” the TASO seemed surprised.

“Yes, Sir – I even proposed to her…” I said.

“You proposed marriage to her on your very first date…?” the TASO said, looking stunned.

“Yes, Sir…”

“Are you bloody crazy…? How the hell can you propose to a girl on your first date..?”

“Sir – tell me – what is the aim of dating…?”

“You tell me. What is the aim of dating…?

“Sir – the aim of dating to assess the suitability of the ‘dating partner’ as a prospective spouse. I found her very suitable to be my wife – so I proposed to her…”

“And – what did she say…?”

“She didn’t say anything – she just said ‘bye’ – and she ran into the hostel – I think she was feeling shy – after all she is a girl – but I am sure she has liked me too…”

“Really…? Do you really think she wants to marry you…?”

“Yes, Sir – I am sure…”

The TASO looked at me and said:

“Tell me something about your ‘date’ – what all did you do – where all did you go…?”

“Sir – we did a lot of things – and we went to many places…” I said.

“Okay – let’s be specific…” the TASO said, “you tell me – did you make her travel by bus…?”

“Yes, Sir – I took her by ‘double-decker’ – so that we could have a good view…”

“Forget about ‘single-decker’ or ‘double-decker’ – I am asking you why the hell did you take her by bus…? You are a bloody Naval Officer. On the very first date – do you take a girl by bus…? You should have taken her on your bike…”

“Sir – I don’t have a motorcycle…”

“Then – you should have borrowed someone’s bike – you could have asked me for my ‘Bullet’. Or – you could have taken her in a taxi…” the TASO said.

“Yes, Sir – I will borrow your ‘Bullet’ next time…” I said.

“Next time…? You seem very confident that she will go out on a date with you again…”

“Of course, Sir – I really made her have a good time – she enjoyed the ‘date’ very much – I am sure she will really like going on a date with me again…”

“Really…? Why don’t you tell me about all the ‘good time’ you two had…”

“Sir – I took her for a movie…”

“I know – and – in the cinema hall – you made her sit in the ‘stalls’…”

“Rear Stall, Sir…”

“Couldn’t you have bought ‘Balcony’ tickets…?”

“Sir – as far the eyes are concerned – viewing a movie is as comfortable from the ‘Rear Stall’ as from the ‘Balcony’…”

“Are you a bloody “Optician” – or are you taking a girl out on a “date”…?”

“Sir – why spend extra money for the ‘balcony’ ticket – when you get the same ‘viewing comfort’ sitting in the ‘stalls’…?”

“You are a bloody ‘Cheapie’ – first you take her in a bus – and then you make her sit with the ‘riff-raff’ in the ‘stalls’ – and then you take her for some third-rate street-food in some filthy place…”

“Sir – it is a famous “Khau Galli”…”

“On your very first “date” – you don’t take a girl for cheap street-food in a dirty “Khau Galli” – on your first “date” – you take her for a romantic candle-light dinner in a fine-dining restaurant – that is how you impress a girl…”

“Sir – why should I try to impress a girl…?”

“What do you mean why should you try to impress a girl…?…? Don’t you want to impress a girl on your first “date”…?”

“Sir – I told you – the aim of dating is to assess suitability for marriage – why should I try to impress a girl who I am going to marry…? Why should I try to “fake it”…? Why should I put on “false pretences”…? Isn’t it best for me to be myself – my true self…?”

“You are a crazy bugger. Not only have you humiliated me – but you have tarnished the image of the entire Navy. That girl is an Army Officer’s daughter. What will she think of Naval Officers…? After your “grand performance” on your “date” with her – won’t she wonder if all Naval Officers are uncultured “cheapies” like you…?”

Sir – please…”

“You just shut up. And then – after all that oafish behaviour – you marched her down Marine Drive all the way to her hostel…”

“It was a “romantic walk”…”

“Ha Ha – “Romantic Walk”…? “Romantic Walk” – my Foot…!!! It sounds more like a “Route March” to me…”

“Sir – it was a pleasant walk in the cool sea-breeze – only 3 kilometres…”

“You bloody “Poltroon” – did you notice that she was wearing “Stiletto” high-heel shoes…?”

“No, Sir…”

“You made her march 3 kilometres in stiletto high-heels…”

“I didn’t see her legs, Sir…”

“Oh – you didn’t see her legs…!!! Then what were you looking at…? Her bloody “Boobs”…?”

“No, Sir – I was looking at the sea…”

“And then – you took her to see fish in the aquarium…”

“Sir – the aquarium is right next to her hostel – and I was surprised that she hadn’t seen it…”

“Thank God you didn’t take her to see the bloody Zoo…”

“Sir – I will take her to the Zoo next time – and – I want to show her the Museum too…”

“Next time…? You seem to be very optimistic that she will come out on a “date” with you again…”

“Of course, Sir – I am sure she will come with me on a “date” – again and again…” I said.

Then – I wondered how the TASO knew all the things we had done on our “date” – so I asked him:

“Sir – how do you know what all we did on our “date”…?”

“My girlfriend called up in the morning – she was furious at the way you had treated her roommate – especially the bizarre way you proposed marriage after all that fiasco…” the TASO said.

“Why, Sir…? What did I do wrong…? I thought she would make a suitable wife – so I proposed to her. Didn’t I tell you, Sir – the aim of dating is to evaluate the person as a prospective life partner…”

“Do you think all of us are fools – and – you are the only one who knows how to “date”…? I have been dating girls for years now – and – you go on one failed “date” – a bloody disaster “date” – and you are trying to educate me…?”

“Sorry, Sir…”

“It’s okay. Will you take some advice…?”

“Sure, Sir…”

“You forget about all this “dating” business – you are just not cut out for it. Just stick to Booze and Food – and when you are 25 – you tell your folks to find a girl for you – and you have an arranged marriage…” the TASO said to me.

“Aye, Aye, Sir…” I said to the TASO.

And – I conscientiously followed the TASO’s advice.

I did not go on any more “dates”.

I focussed on food and drink.

And – the moment I became 25 years old – I told my mother to find me a nice “homely” girl – and – I got married to her.

30 YEARS LATER (Pune – Circa 2007)

Part 3 – UNEXPECTED RENDEZVOUS WITH MY FIRST “DATE”

I recognized her at once.

She was my first and only “date”.

I tried to hide myself.

But – she saw me.

I wished that the ground beneath me opened up and swallowed me in.

But – I saw her walking towards me.

“Hi…” she said.

“Hello…” I said.

“So – how are you…?” she asked me.

“I am fine…” I said.

“It’s good that I ran into you…” she said.

“Yes…” I mumbled.

“All these years – I have been wanting to tell you something…” she said.

“You’ve been wanting to tell me something…? What is it…?” I asked her.

“I should have accepted your marriage proposal…” she said.

“What…?” I said, surprised.

“Yes – I should have married you…” she said – looking at me with a wistful look in her eyes.

After saying this – she smiled at me – and – she walked away.

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/02/dating-made-simple.html

This is a revised repost of my story “DUDE” GOES OUT ON A “DATE” posted online by me Vikram Karve in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog on May 15, 2016 at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/dude-goes-out-on-date.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/08/my-first-date-story-from-my-romantic.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/09/14/how-to-date/and https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/13758/ and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/11/how-to-date-girl.html

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Why an Army-Man is called a PONGO

April 26, 2019

WHY AN ARMYMAN IS CALLED A “PONGO”

Dear Reader:

In my “Humor in Uniform” stories – I sometimes humorously use the term “Pongo” to describe an Armyman.

The nickname “Pongo” is a term of endearment – and I trust my fellow “Faujis” in Olive Green (OG) take it in the right spirit.

Let me tell you why Armymen are called “Pongos”.

Yes – “Pongo” is Navy slang for an Army Soldier.

Why is an Armyman called a “Pongo”…?

Well – there are many apocryphal stories on the origins of the term “Pongo”.

Here is one such yarn that I heard long back from an old “Sea Dog”.

He told me that the term “Pongo” originated in the Royal Navy to denote an “Infantryman”.

As per a myth – the “Pongo” was a unique Ape (a monkey without a tail).

Yes – the “Pongo” was a unique Ape – a monkey without a tail.

When this unique Ape called “Pongo” sensed danger or felt scared – the “Pongo” did not climb trees – like most Apes or Monkeys normally do.

In contrast – the “Pongo” would dig holes in the earth and hide himself in the ground – in the same way as “infantrymen” dug in and entrenched themselves in the ground – when they were under attack in battle.

Another similar yarn says – that the term “Pongo” is derived from the archaic name for the Orangutan.

Yes – some say that a “Pongo” is a type of Orangutan – and – the “Pongo” had the habit of digging holes in the ground for no apparent reason – and then – filling the holes back.

The Sailors probably observed Army Soldiers digging away – hence – the nickname “Pongo” for Army Soldiers.

So now – Dear Reader – when you see the term “Pongo” – you know what it means.

By the way – I came across a few “Pongos” in the Navy too – yes – “Pongos” in White Navy Uniform.

I will tell you about one such “Pongo” in Whites – in my next blog post.

Do read the story of “Pongo” and “Pani Puri”.

Till then – have a great day…

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

Extract from to my Blog Posts: https://www.quora.com/profile/Vikram-Karve/Writing-by-VIKRAM-KARVE/Why-Army-Men-are-called-%E2%80%9CPONGOS%E2%80%9D and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/does-your-heart-murmur.html

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Navy Superstition : Why Sailors Don’t Clink Glasses

April 26, 2019

NAVY SUPERSTITION – WHY SAILORS NEVER “CLINK” GLASSES

Navy Customs and Traditions By Vikram Karve

At the start of a party or booze drinking session – Civilians or “Pongos” may “clink” their glasses and say “Cheers” – and then start drinking…!!!

But – you may notice that a Naval Officer does not “clink” his glass – but he will just hold up his glass in his hand – and say “Cheers” followed by a toast.

Sailors don’t clink glasses.

Here is the reason for this Naval Custom (or you may call it a Navy Superstition):

WHY NAVAL OFFICERS NEVER CLINK GLASSES WHILE MAKING A TOAST

Most people “clink glasses” when they meet over a drink and make a toast for good luck and good health.

However – Naval Officers never “clink” glasses when they make a toast.

They just hold up their glasses and say “Cheers” – and voice the toast.

The reason for this is as follows.

In the early days of seafaring – many years ago – when a sailor died at sea – his body was buried at sea – committed to the deep waters – to the “Davy Jones’s Locker” at the bottom of the ocean.

(This practice of consigning a dead sailor’s body to the sea is followed even today by some Navies – and in case – it is not possible to send the deceased sailor’s body back from the high seas – for his last rites)

The ship’s bell would be sounded 8 times as a mark of respect to the departed soul of the deceased mariner during the funeral service for burial at sea.

On a ship at sea – 8 bells are sounded at the end of a watch.

The 8 bells sounded at the funeral of the sailor signified “End of the Watch” for the dead sailor.

This the striking of “Eight Bells” (a nautical euphemism for “finished watch”) during burial at sea symbolized the obituary of the dead seaman.

The sounding of 8 bells was a way of pronouncing that the dead sailor’s “duty watch” was finished forever.

The sound of “clinking” glasses is similar to the solemn toll of the ship’s bell when the body of a dead sailor was committed to the deep sea.

Thus – it was assumed that the “clinking” sound will herald the death of a sailor.

Hence – “clinking” of glasses on board ships was considered a bad omen.

There was another superstition to lessen the gravity of the evil portent – in case a sailor inadvertently “clinked” his glass by mistake.

The sailor quickly silenced a “clink” that had mistakenly occurred with his hands – or he quickly “clinked” a second time.

It was thought that this would confuse the devil enough so that he might take a soldier instead.

So – if you are in the Navy – it is best not to “clink” your glass.

And suppose – by mistake – you “clink” your glass – remember to quickly “clink” your glass a second time – to confuse the devil – and ward off the evil.

Of course – this is all a myth – a Navy Superstition.

But – the next time you see someone reluctant to “clink” his glass – you know that he is a Navy Officer, Sailor or Veteran.

So – Dear Reader:

Cheers…!!! But – no “clinking” of glasses.

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

This blog post is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/06/sailors-dont-clink-glasses-navy.html

Re-Post of My Article Earlier Posted by Me Vikram Karve in my blog at 12/15/2012 03:07:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/12/a-navy-superstition-why-sailors-do-not.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/12/navy-customs-and-traditions-why-naval.html

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My “Happily Single” Girlfriend

April 26, 2019

My “HAPPILY SINGLE” GIRLFRIEND

Short Fiction Story – A Romance By Vikram Karve

Part 1

DINNER DATE (with my “Girlfriend” at a Pub near CBD Auckland)

“Why can’t people understand that I don’t want to get married…” my “girlfriend” said.

“What happened…?” I asked her.

“It’s my mother again. Now – she has found a “Boy” for me over here…”

“Here…? In New Zealand…?”

“Yes – last year – when I was on vacation in India – I escaped seeing “Boys” saying that I had decided to settle down permanently in New Zealand – and – I was unwilling to relocate from Auckland – so now – they have found a “Boy” for me out here…”

“Oh…”

“I just don’t understand why my parents are so desperate to get me married…”

“You are 30 now – you are already past what is considered “marriageable age” in India…”

“But – I don’t want to get married – so – how does my age matter…? What difference does it make whether I am past “marriageable age” or not – when I want to remain “single” all my life…?”

“Well – in India – parents feel it is their duty to get their daughters married…”

“That was okay in the past – when girls were not financially independent – but today – things are different – in fact – I am sure I earn much more than most “Boys” of my age…”

“I don’t think your parents feel that way. Maybe your parents feel that now that you are 30 years old – it is high time that you should “settle down” in life…”

“But – I have already settled down in life – haven’t I…? I have a good job with excellent career prospects – I have my own house in the best inner city suburb of Auckland – I have my own car – I have everything I need…”

“That may be so – but – probably – your parents feel that you need a husband – and – getting married will complete your life…”

“Well – I feel “complete” already – so – there is no place for anyone else in my life – I don’t need anyone – I have got everything…”

“Everything…? Are you sure…? What about…”

She interrupts me – and she says to me:

“Please – let’s not discuss that – but – let me tell you that I can easily get enough of sex – to satisfy my needs – whenever I want…”

“I meant “companionship”…”

“I get plenty of “companionship” at work – in fact – a bit too much – you know the job I do – I have to spend the whole day interacting by people – colleagues, customers, clients – I get so fed up that I just want to be alone at home to enjoy my “self-time”…”

“I meant “friendship” – friends…”

“Friends…? You are there – aren’t you…? You are my “BFF” – aren’t you…? Whenever I want to relax over a drink – or – if I feel like going on a drive – or – if I want to get something off my chest – I call you – and you come to me immediately – like you have come now…”

“Yes – I am always there for you – but – don’t you want to have more friends…?”

“Actually – out here in Auckland – one doesn’t need many friends – I like the social culture out here in New Zealand – where they respect your privacy…”

“You never had any friends out here…? Even when you were studying at the University…?”

“Of course I did. But – those days were different. Now – I like my solitude…”

“Yes – I have seen that. Nowadays – you like to be alone in your spare time…”

“In fact – now – you are my only friend. I like you because you are the only one who doesn’t indulge in “matchmaking” and try to get me married off. Sadly – most Indian “Expats” out here are doing “matchmaking” all the time – they keep hounding me to get married – they keep searching for suitable “matches” – finding all sorts of “Boys” for me…”

“Well – you can’t blame them – can you…? They may have travelled a long distance from India – migrated – and settled down over here in New Zealand – but – their mindset hasn’t changed. They may be physically here – in a modern country – but culturally – in their minds – they still carry old-fashioned Indian values. That’s why they feel – that it is unusual – for a girl to remain unmarried – once she crosses 30 years of age…”

“Well – I am “happy and single” – I am living my life to the fullest – I live on my own terms – and I don’t want anyone worrying about my marriage – not even my parents – and certainly not these Indian “expats” out here…”

“Don’t pay too much attention to them – but – remember – that – like your parents – their intentions are good…”

“Well – I don’t care about their intentions – but – they hassle me with all their “matrimonial talk” and comments about my living a single life – that’s why I have dumped everyone – except you – because you are the only one who accepts me as I am. Yes – you are the only one that I consider as my true friend – because you don’t have any “good intentions” to end my “spinstership” and get me married off…”

“Hey – your glass is empty – should I get you some more beer…?” I ask her.

“No – I’ll go home now…” she says.

“Why so early…? It’s Friday night – and it’s only 7 o’clock…”

“I have to go home. But – you wait here…”

“Me…? Wait here…? Why should I wait here all alone…?”

“Because I want you to speak to the “Boy” – and – you will tell him that I don’t want to get married…”

“What…? You want me to speak to the “Boy”…?”

“Don’t you remember what I told you…? My parents have found a “Boy” for me over here…”

“Oh yes – you told me – but – I almost forgot. So – your parents have found a “Boy” for you over here in New Zealand. Who is the “Boy”…?”

“You will see the “Boy” in a few minutes…”

“What…? Is he coming here to meet you…?”

“Yes – I have called him here in this pub at 8 o’clock – for dinner. But now – he can have the “dinner date” with you – instead of me…”

“Who is the guy…? Does he live here in Auckland…? Maybe I know him…”

“No. You don’t know him. He was working in Christchurch. He took up a job in Auckland only last week. I don’t know what my parents told his parents – and what high hopes they raised in him – because – from the way he talked to me on phone – it seems that he is taking things for granted. I only hope he hasn’t relocated to Auckland in anticipation of getting married to me – because – if he has fancy ideas about getting married to me – he is going to get the shock of his life – when you tell him – that I am not interested in marriage…”

“Oh – so that is why you called me here – to do your dirty work. You want me to meet the “Boy” and tell him the bad news that you are not interested in marriage…”

“Yes. That’s what good friends are for – aren’t they…?” she said.

“But – I don’t even know him…” I said.

“Here – I am sending you his picture and name on your mobile phone…” she said.

The moment I received the picture of the “Boy” on my mobile phone – I looked at it – and I saw that he was quite a smart guy.

Suddenly – my “girlfriend” said to me:

“Okay – I’ll go now – you enjoy your “dinner-date” with the “Boy” – and – you please call me up in the morning and tell me what happened…”

“Okay. Bye. Take Care…” I said to her.

“Bye…” she said to me.

Then – my “girlfriend” kissed me on the cheek – and – she walked towards door of the pub.

Part 2

NEXT DAY – MORNING (at my Home in Auckland)

Next morning – I called my “girlfriend” – and – I told her that the “mission” had been accomplished.

“What happened…?” my “girlfriend” asked me.

“I told the “Boy” that you were not interested in marriage – I told him that you wanted to remain “single” all your life…” I said to her.

“So…? What was his reaction…?”

“He looked crestfallen…”

“Really…?”

“And – do you know what he asked me…?”

“What…?”

“He asked me whether you were a “Lesbian”…”

“Oh My God…!!! So – what did you say…?”

“I kept quiet. I let him draw his own conclusions. Maybe – it will be a “consolation” to him – if he feels that the reason why you “rejected” him is because you are a “lesbian”…”

“You are a terribly wicked fellow…” my “girlfriend” said to me, naughtily.

“You owe me a treat…” I said to her.

“Of course I’ll give you a treat – wherever you want. You call me in the evening – and you tell me the place and time – and – I’ll be there. Okay – Bye – Take Care…” my “girlfriend” said to me – and she disconnected.

I sat quietly – deep in thought.

After some time – I called up my mother in India – and – I said to my mother:

“Mother – you can start looking for a suitable bride for me…”

“Bride…? You want me to search for a bride for you…? What happened to that “girl” over there in Auckland…? The girl you are dating – your “girlfriend” – you said that you wanted to marry her. Weren’t you supposed to meet her last evening…?” my mother said.

“Yes. I met her last evening…”

“What happened…? Did you talk about marriage…? Did you propose to her…?”

“We talked about marriage – but – I didn’t propose to her…”

“Why…? What happened…? Did you have a fight…? Is there some problem with her…? Did you break up with her…?”

“No – No – Mother – nothing like that at all – we are still good friends – but – she doesn’t want to get married – that’s all…”

“She doesn’t want to get married to you…? Why…? Why doesn’t she want to get married to you…?”

“It’s not me. She doesn’t want to get married to anyone – she prefers to remain “single” – that’s all…”

“She wants to remain unmarried…? She wants to remain “single” all her life…? Strange girl…!!!”

“Mother – you forget about her. I am coming to India for a month during my Christmas Vacations. Please have some good “girls” lined up for me to “see”. I want to get married to some nice “back home type” girl…” I said to my mother.

“Don’t worry – you will get the best of girls to select from. You are a “prime catch” in the “marriage market” – you are a “most eligible bachelor”. And that too – you are so smart and handsome. And – you are so well settled in New Zealand – excellent job, your own house, plenty of money – there will be so many good girls dying for the opportunity to go to Auckland and settle down in that lovely place…” my mother said to me.

Part 3

AFTERWORD

Well – my “girlfriend” – who wanted to remain “happily single” – maybe she had “Gamophobia” (Fear of Marriage).

She was “single” – but – she was not “sorry”.

Yes – “Single But Not Sorry”.

But – as far as I was concerned – I surely had “Anuptaphobia” (Fear of Staying Single).

Yes – I certainly did not want to remain a “chronic bachelor” for my entire life.

EPILOGUE

GAMOPHOBIA versus ANUPTAPHOBIA

Some persons are afraid of getting married.

They have Gamophobia – fear of marriage – the fear of getting married.

So – they avoid getting married on some pretext or the other.

On the other hand – some persons are apprehensive that they will never get married.

They have Anuptaphobia – fear of staying single – the fear of remaining unmarried for their entire lives.

So – they are desperate to get married.

Gamophobic persons may remain “happily unmarried” for their entire lives.

On the other hand – in their frantic desperation to get married – anuptaphobic persons may land up getting married to the wrong person – since – in their desperate hurry to get married – they may choose partners on a whim – and quickly marry in haste – without considering the consequences.

Well – I have seen both types of persons – some having gamophobia – and a few having anuptaphobia – and – if you look around – you will see both types too.

Hey – Dear Reader – what about you…?

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

This blog post is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/02/dinner-date-in-auckland.html

This is an updated and abridged repost of my story GAMOPHOBIA written by me Vikram Karve around 3 years ago in December 2016 and posted by me online in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve Blog on Friday, December 2, 2016 and revised/reposted on February 3, 2017 and later in my other blogs too at urls:

https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/07/09/dinner-date-with-my-girlfriend-at-a-pub-in-auckland/

https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/02/03/immigration-dating-romance-marriage/

http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/12/gamophobia-fear-of-marriage.html

http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/02/dinner-date-in-auckland.html

https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/10/05/gamophobia-versus-anuptaphobia/

https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/02/14/single-but-not-sorry/

https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/07/09/are-you-afraid-of-marriage/

etc etc etc

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“Why Girls Marry” vs “Why Boys Marry”

April 26, 2019

This morning – I saw a Blog Post on Parenting from one of my “Girlfriends”.

And – I remembered our exciting conversation at a “Lunch Date” with her around 13 years ago.

That evening – I wrote this story.

Yes – Dear Reader – I wrote this story in the year 2006 around 13 years ago – so the views may be antiquated since a lot has changed in the last 13 years…

WHY DO GIRLS MARRY (and WHY DO BOYS MARRY)

Fiction Short Story By Vikram Karve

I like to read “Agony Aunt” columns.

It is interesting to see the variety of problems people have – and the interesting solutions suggested by “Agony Aunts”.

Maybe – you too have similar problems – and you can try out the solutions suggested.

Here is the gist of an interesting “apocryphal” question from a lady in her 50’s that I read sometime ago in the “Agony Aunt” column of a newspaper:

“My daughter got married at the age of 29 to a fellow IT Professional.

Since she was concentrating on her studies and career – she does not know how to do housework.

Also – she is not accustomed to doing housework – since I did all the housework.

Now after marriage – she lives in a joint family (with her husband and in-laws) – and they expect her to do all the housework.

This makes her feel depressed and unwell – and to escape the housework – my daughter comes to live with me from time to time – and she tries to avoid going to her husband’s home on some pretext or the other.

My daughter’s frequent leaving her husband to come to live with me annoys my daughter’s husband – and this is causing marital strain between them.

What should I do…?”

I am sure you can guess the typical conservative answer of the “Agony Aunt” – advising the mother that – the mother should tell her daughter to “adjust” and learn housework etc.

However – the moot question is:

“Why do girls marry…?”

(and also – “Why do boys marry…?”)

All this reminded me of a story I had written around 13 years ago during my Aundh days after a delicious meal with a “girlfriend” in one of my favorite restaurants in Pune – Polka Dots.

So – let me delve deep into my creative writing archives and pull out the story for you to read…

WHY GIRLS MARRY vs WHY BOYS MARRY – Story by Vikram Karve

Pune (Circa 2006)

I like playing Agony Aunt.

It is good fun.

I love to talk.

I am a good listener.

Listening to others’ troubles seems to make my own troubles go away.

I love to talk to anyone who wants to talk to me.

Yes, talking to someone who needs comforting seems to make my own troubles go away…!

So I am quite happy when Alka calls up:

“Are you free today…? I want to speak to you…”

“Sure…” I say, “in the evening…?”

“After work…?”

“Okay…I’ll wait for you in Polka Dots…at seven…”

At 7 PM – I sit in the veranda of Polka Dots Café in Aundh sipping Iced Tea – waiting for Alka to arrive.

There she is…

Alka gets off her company bus which ferries her from her workplace in the IT Park at Hinjewadi to her chummery in Aundh

Alka spots me – she waves, walks briskly, come into the Café – and she sits on the chair opposite me.

“Thanks for coming…” she says.

“You are welcome…” I say, “But first let’s order…then we’ll talk…”

We order – Fish and Chips for me – and – Chicken Teriyaki for her – and then – I say to Alka:

“Tell me – what’s bothering you…?”

“Ashish…” she says, “he wants to do his MBA… ”

“That’s good…”

“I know – I have nothing against his doing MBA – but he wants to postpone our marriage…”

“Oh…”

“We have been seeing each other for 7 years now – we have been going around since our first year in engineering college – we had decided to get married the moment we completed our B.Tech. and got a job – that was okay – I was getting much better offers – some even abroad – but I joined the same company in Pune – just to be with Ashish – I asked him about marriage – but he said – let’s finish our training – after we finished our training he said – let the probation period be over – then – he kept dilly dallying. Every time I ask him – let’s get married – he says – let’s wait – let’s be secure in our careers – and now – this MBA bug has bit him. I said – let’s get married and you can do your MBA here in Pune – but he says No – he wants to go to IIM or some High-Falutin Business School – he wants to concentrate on his CAT – then focus on his MBA studies – and come on top of his class…”

The food arrives.

We start eating.

There is silence for a while – and then – Alka starts speaking:

“How long can we continue like this…? I am almost 25 now. Now – Ashish will study for CAT for one year – then two more years for his MBA – then he will say “let me settle down in my new job” – and – it may go on and on. I feel very insecure in life by his indecision. Isn’t it high time we got married and settled down…?”

“I’ll speak to Ashish…” I say.

That night – I call Ashish over for a drink at our favourite watering hole in Baner.

I talk about the conversation Alka had with me in Polka Dots – and I tell Ashish – that Alka is apprehensive that he may dump her.

“Dump her…? What nonsense… I love her… I want to marry her… but how can I explain… I want to be secure before I marry…? Ashish says.

“Secure…?” I ask.

“You know that a mere B. Tech. isn’t enough these days – I barely managed to hold on to by job during the recession. I don’t feel secure in my job. I have to get an MBA…from a top-notch institute like IIM…get a good job…do well in my life. That’s why I want to focus on studying for CAT and marriage at this stage will disturb my focus on studies. I must get into an IIM…study hard…top the class…get the best job. I am only 25 now…there is plenty of time for marriage…I want to feel secure in my career before I make a commitment to marriage – so that I can give the best to Alka and our would-be kids…”

MARRIAGE DILEMMA

Later – I thought about my two conversations with Alka and Ashish.

And – I inferred that – this was the basic marriage dilemma:

A Girl wants to get Married to feel Secure

A Boy wants to be Secure before getting Married

Dear Reader: Do you agree…?

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

Copyright Notice:

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/04/why-do-girls-marry-and-why-do-boys-marry.html

This is an updated version and repost of my article AGONY AUNT posted online earlier at urls http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2010/08/agony-aunt.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2011/08/agony-aunt-and-her-musings-on-marriage.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/04/why-girls-want-to-get-married-and-why.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/09/13/antiquated-views-of-an-old-fashioned-agony-aunt-why-girls-marry-versus-why-boys-marry/etc

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How to be Happy and Content

April 26, 2019

How to develop a Capacity for Contentment by Vikram Karve

Part 1

HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY…?

In your opinion – How much Money do you need to be Happy…?

Give me a figure.

One Lakh – Ten Lakhs – One Crore – Ten Crore – One Million – Ten Million – One Billion – or even more… (Rupees or Dollars)

How much money do you need to be happy…?

Suppose you have decided that – to be happy – you need a home of your own – and – you must have a certain bank balance.

One day – after slogging for many years – when you have earned that amount of money which you had planned – and – you have a home of your own – will you sit back satisfied, relax and be happy all your life…?

Or – will you keep on striving to earn more and more money – till your dying day…?

Way back in the 1970’s – when we were studying Engineering – we wanted a Cycle – and we wanted a Job after completing our engineering studies.

Yes – when we were students we desired to have a Cycle – a simple bicycle.

I got my own cycle.

Then we wanted a Job.

Yes – our principle desire after completing our B. Tech. was to get a job.

I got a job.

After we got a job – we wanted a Motorcycle – and then – a Bajaj Scooter.

Yes – those days – a Bajaj Scooter was the ultimate status symbol – for which one had to patiently wait in a queue for a few years.

A few years later – one day – I had a coveted Bajaj Scooter – and – I was happy.

In my wildest dreams – I had never imagined that I would have a car – but many years later – I was a proud owner of a car too.

Soon – I had my own home – and – I had enough money to live a reasonably comfortable life.

Now – what more do I want…?

That is when I decided that – “enough is enough”

I “retired” from my “job” – and – I decided to invest my my time in what I like to do best – Writing and Blogging.

And – that is what I am doing ever since I “retired” – Writing and Blogging.

YOU EARN MONEY – YOU INVEST YOUR MONEY

but

DO YOU INVEST YOUR “TIME” TO BE HAPPY…?

Remember:

You can always earn more MONEY

but

You cannot get back lost TIME

That is why:

“Time” is the most valuable resource

Yes:

“Time” is a much more valuable resource than money

Dear Reader:

Are you so hard up for Money – that – you want to Trade your Time for Money…?

And – if you do need money – how much money do you need – and – how much of your time are you willing to trade for earning money…?

The “Time vs Money Trade Balance” is a fine balance – and – you have to decide for yourself.

I write and blog every day.

I have written a book of short stories, a foodie book – and – I am leisurely writing my novel now.

My Main Blog – Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve – my main blog crossed 29 Lakh (2.9 Million) pageviews last year – and my Blog is now nearing 30 Lakh (3 Million) page views.

I have other blogs too – which also have good readership (100 to 1000 hits every day)

Yes – I am writing leisurely – without deadlines – because I want to enjoy my writing.

In fact:

I have realized that the creative writing process (the journey) is more enjoyable than the destination (publication).

I do not earn any money from my writing and blogging.

But – I get tremendous happiness when I write and blog.

Earlier – during my working years – when I did a job:

I traded my Time for earning Money.

Now – after retirement – thanks to the money I have earned and saved all these years – I am able to invest my time in things that make me happy.

Ever since I retired many years ago:

I am leading the life that I always wanted to live.

Well – maybe not 100% – but – I am almost living the life that I always wanted to live after retirement – maybe 90%.

Tell me – Dear Reader:

If you are happy and content here and now – with the money you have – then – what is the point of investing your time – in doing something – that you don’t enjoy doing…?

Part 2

DO YOU HAVE A CAPACITY FOR CONTENTMENT…?

There is a Chinese saying:

He who knows that Enough is Enough – he will always have Enough

It is the same with money:

“If you know when Enough is Enough – you will always have Enough”

Let my try and illustrate this concept by a metaphorical example.

MONEY IS LIKE PETROL – AND – YOU ARE THE CAR

Money is like petrol in a car.

Money is not the car.

Money is not the destination.

The petrol in your car enables you to go from place “A” to place “B”.

Now suppose – you have reached your destination place “B”.

You are happy and content at being at place “B”.

There is another place “C”.

Now – if you fill more petrol in your car ( “earn more money in your life” ) – you will be able to go from place “B” to place “C”.

But – you are happy and content at being at place “B” – and – you do not want to go to place “C”.

Then is filling up more petrol in your car of any use…?

Of what use is petrol – if you do not want to travel – because you are content where you are…?

Why fill petrol in your car when you don’t want to travel…?

In such a situation – isn’t petrol useless…?

Similarly:

What is the use of earning more money – if you already happy with the amount of money you have…?

Do you have a “capacity for contentment”…?

Do you know when “enough is enough”…?

Part 3

AN INSPIRATIONAL STORY OF THE HAPPY FISHERMAN

I am sure you have read a version of this meaningful inspirational story:

A fisherman lived on a tropical island.

The fisherman fished for his family – and he had plenty of time to play with his children, to enjoy the beauty around him and to be a good neighbour.

A yacht arrived carrying a wealthy entrepreneur.

The fisherman took him out for a day’s fishing.

As the day went on – the entrepreneur looked at the beautiful island with its silver sand fringed with palm trees, the calm blue sea filled with a rainbow of darting fish.

The entrepreneur saw the opportunity for development and making lots of money.

The wealthy and successful entrepreneur was a magnanimous man – so he thought he must help the fisherman by offering him the idea – so he said to the fisherman:

“Why don’t you build a hotel and encourage tourists to come to the island…?”

“A hotel…?” the fisherman asked perplexed.

“Yes – a hotel…” the businessman said, “in fact – you should build a holiday village with a sports complex – so people can come and relax. It could be so successful that you could build an air-strip – so you can offer the whole package to the tourists – so you can cut out the middle man and make even greater profits.”

“Why should I do that…?” asked the fisherman.

“You would make lots of money and be rich of course…” replied the entrepreneur.

“How long would it take…?” asked the fisherman

“I would think it would take 10 years to be really successful…” answered the entrepreneur.

“What would I do with all that money…?” asked the fisherman.

“You could go on exotic holidays to a beautiful island – where you could fish – play with your children – and have plenty of time to enjoy the beauty all around you…” replied the entrepreneur.

“But that is exactly what I am doing right now – isn’t it…?” asked the bewildered fisherman.

HAPPINESS AND CONTENTMENT ARE HERE AND NOW – NOT IN THE FUTURE

Sometimes:

We can have happiness and contentment – here and now.

But – we keep on struggling and aspiring for more and more – and – we do not enjoy what we already have.

Yes – Your Happiness is Here and Now – not in some distant future – so – there is no need to be ambitious – and ruin your present – while trying to chase some distant happiness.

It would be apt to quote Warren Buffet:

“I really like my life.

I have arranged my life so that I can do what I want…

I get to do what I like to do every single day of the year…”

I think I can say this about me too.

Barring unforeseen contingencies – I am able to do what I like to do almost every day of my life.

Moral of the Story

DO YOU KNOW WHEN “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH”…?

Dear Reader:

May I wish you happiness and contentment “here and now” – wherever you are – with whatever you have got.

Remember:

Money is like petrol in a car.

Money is not the car.

You need to fill only that much petrol that is required to take you to your destination.

What is the point of filling excess petrol – if you do not want to travel further…?

If you know when “enough is enough” – you will always have enough.

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

These are my personal views. They may or may not work for everyone. Please exercise your own due diligence in your life.
All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

Link to my source post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2017/07/wealth-management-made-simple.html

This is an revised, updated and abridged version of a self-help article I wrote long back, 25 years ago, in the 1990s, and first posted online on my blogs more than 9 years ago in 2009, and reposted later at urls: http://creative.sulekha.com/enough-is-enough_468090_blog and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2010/11/capacity-for-contentment.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/05/money-buys-happiness-how-much-money-do.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/05/money.html andhttp://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/09/musings-on-eve-of-my-birthday-enough-is.html andhttp://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/02/how-much-money-do-you-need-to-be-happy.html etc

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Vikram Karve

Archive for April 2019

Freedom

The “Affair”

“Pongo” and “Pani Puri” – Humor in Uniform

Humor in Uniform – What is the “USP” of Military/Navy Life…? – The Story of Lieutenant “Z”

“Dating” Made Simple – How to “Date”

Why an Army-Man is called a PONGO

Navy Superstition : Why Sailors Don’t Clink Glasses

My “Happily Single” Girlfriend

“Why Girls Marry” vs “Why Boys Marry”

How to be Happy and Content

VIKRAM KARVE

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VIKRAM KARVE

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