The New Age “Metrosexual” Naval Officer – SEA DOGS and SEA DOLLS – Humor in Uniform – A Spoof

Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: Humor in Uniform – SEA DOGS and SEA DOLLS.

Link to my original post in my academic and creative writing journal: 
http://karvediat.blogspot.in/201…

HUMOUR IN UNIFORM

SEA DOGS and SEA DOLLS
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:
1. Please read this spoof only if you have a sense of humor. This article is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. The terms “dog” and “doll” are used in a metaphorical sense.
2. This spoof is for mature adults only, so if you are a kid, or an overly gender sensitive type, please skip this post.
3. This spoof is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

SEA DOGS and SEA DOLLS – A Spoof by Vikram Karve

When I joined the Navy, in the 1970’s, I observed that there were two types of Naval Officers:

1. Sea Dogs

2. Sea Dolls

Now, before you jump the gun and accuse me of “gender insensitivity”, please note that the term “Sea Doll” is not being used for women naval officers – there were no women naval officers when I joined the navy, except a few “landlubber quack chicks” in the medical branch.

Even today, women naval officers adorn only “soft” shore billets and do not have to undergo the tough strenuous life of a naval officer on warships at sea, so maybe I will have to conjure up some other epithet (without the prefix “sea”) for these feminine landlubber ladies in white uniform.

I have digressed – so let me come back to the topic of “Sea Dogs and Sea Dolls”.

As a young naval officer, I realized that there are two navies within the navy:

1. The Operational Navy – comprising all aspects pertaining to warfighting at sea – warships, submarines, aircraft, the dockyards and various frontline units supporting the fleet..

2. The Ceremonial Navy – comprising all the “showmanship” activities like parades, fleet reviews, “shop windows”, events like navy week and navy ball, public shows, parties, social events et al…

Sea Dogs ran the “gristly, gritty and grimy” operational navy.

Sea Dolls ran the “spick and span” ceremonial navy.

Sea Dogs were rugged masculine looking men.

In contrast, Sea Dolls adorned the “fair and handsome” genteel “metrosexual” look.

Most Sea Dogs sported rough and tough “Full Set” Beards.

Sea Dolls preferred to have an elegant and pretty “clean-shaven” look.

There were some exceptions.

I have seen some clean-shaven non-bearded “Sea Dogs”.

But I have never seen a bearded “Sea Doll”.

Whether bearded or not, Sea Dogs preferred the natural look – a seaman’s robust grooming and robust brawny turn out.

Sea Dolls were obsessed with maintaining a suave polished appearance and chic glamorous turn out.

Sea Dogs were “tough cookies”.

Most Sea Dogs had an abrasive personality – like rough and tough sailors.

Sea Dolls were “smooth operators”.

All Sea Dolls had a pleasing personality – like slick charming corporate executives.

In earlier days, it was the “Sea Dogs” who dominated the senior ranks in the Navy – but gradually the tide seems to have turned in favour of the “Sea Dolls”.

I wonder whether the same applies to the Army and Air Force – and what are the equivalents of Sea Dogs and Sea Dolls.

By the way, have you read the classic military novel Catch-22 ?

Yes?

Then, let me give you a metaphorical example.

If “Catch 22” was a Navy Novel – a “Sea Dog” would be someone like the character of General Dreedle – and a “Sea Doll” would be someone like General Peckem.

If you have read Catch-22, you’ll understand what I mean.

I can go on and on about “Sea Dogs” and “Sea Dolls” till the cows come home – but by now, I am sure you have got the drift.

So, the next time you meet a Naval Officer – have some fun and amuse yourself – have a good look at the Navy Officer – and try to judge for yourself – whether he is a “Sea Dog” or a “Sea Doll”.

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:
1. This post is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh. 
2. This article is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)
 

Posted by Vikram Karve at 11/22/2014 08:03:00 PM

HE-WOMAN – THE DILEMMA OF A LADY ARMY OFFICER

Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: HE-WOMAN.

Click the link above to read the original story in my creative writing journal.

The story is also posted below for your convenience.

HE-WOMAN

Short Fiction Story – A Yarn

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This yarn is a spoof, a figment of imagination. Please read this short story only if you have a sense of humour. So first convince yourself that you have a sense of humour and only then read the yarn, take it with a pinch of salt, and have a laugh.

“Good evening.”

“Good evening, Sir.”

“May I join you?”

“Of course, Sir.”

“There is a party going on outside and you are sitting here all alone in the bar, drinking rum and drowning your sorrows. Come on outside and enjoy the party.”

“Please, Sir. It you could please excuse me. I am feeling a bit low.”

“I know. He told me. That is why I have come to talk to you.”

“He told you, Sir?”

“Yes. He told me that you proposed to him, asked him to marry you, and he turned you down. So you are feeling really bad, are you?”

“I loved him, Sir. I thought he loved me too. His rejection has shattered me, Sir.”

“He is feeling bad too. In fact he is feeling so guilt-ridden and embarrassed that he has requested for an immediate transfer from here, even if he is posted to a field area. He told me your proposal for marriage came as a complete surprise.”

“Surprise? We’ve been such good friends and we got along so well. I thought he would love to marry me and was feeling shy to propose to me. So I asked him to marry me and thought he would be delighted and say yes. I was totally shocked when he refused. I just don’t know why he doesn’t want to marry me.”

“Tell me, how many men want to marry manly women? How many men want a wife who gives their machismo a competition? I think you intimidate him by your demeanour.”  

“I don’t understand, Sir.”

“He told me he likes you as a friend, as a buddy, but he cannot visualize you as a wife.”

“He can’t visualize me as a wife? Why, Sir?”

“In your endeavour to be “one of the boys”, you have actually started exhibiting male traits – you walk like a man, you talk like a man, you laugh like a man, you dress like a man, you even drink like a man – your bearing, your actions, your demeanour, I have noticed that you do almost everything like a man – in your desperate ambition to prove yourself in the army you try to outdo the men themselves.”

“But what can I do, Sir? I am the only lady officer in this unit and I am surrounded by male officers. And the soldiers are all men. I am a woman in a man’s profession. I must project a tough image.”

“Tough image? So that is why you are putting on an act and trying to pose as a “macho” man? You know, sometimes image can become reality. This can be dangerous. Remember one thing. When a woman tries to masquerade as a man, sometimes she may land up being a he-woman.”

“He-woman?”

“Yes. That’s what they have nicknamed you. He-woman!”

“That’s terrible, Sir. They shouldn’t make fun of me like that.”

“Tell me, were you shopping at the Mall near Main Street on Sunday evening? There was a gang of girls with you, isn’t it?”

“Yes, Sir. I had gone out with my college friends.”

“You all had plenty of ice cream at the food court.”

“Yes, Sir. How do you know?”

“I was there.”

“But I didn’t see you, Sir.”

“But I did notice you. You were looking so pretty in that bright red dress. You are so fair, so good-looking, that any bright colour suits you so well. I must say that I never imagined you can look so beautiful.”

“Thank you, Sir.”

“Then why do you deglamourize yourself when you are in the unit?”

“Sir, I can’t deck up in uniform.”

“No one is asking you to deck up in uniform. And I know you have to dress a bit soberly out here in the evenings too. I am just asking you bring out the girl hiding inside you. Just be yourself. There is no need to put on a macho act and try to look harsh. That’s why you are becoming a he-woman. Nature has made you a woman. Why are you trying to be a man? Why don’t you be your natural self? Why don’t you be a woman? I hope you understand what I am trying to convey.”  

“Yes, Sir.”

“Well, it is for you to resolve your role ambiguity. You have to decide for yourself. Remember, a he-man is attracted to she-woman. But if you are still adamant on being a he-woman then you better start looking for a she-man.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“What yes sir? Come, let’s go out and join the party.”

“You go ahead, Sir. I’ll go to my room, freshen up and get myself organized for the party.”

“Organized?”

“I’ll put on something good, Sir, and I think I need to doll up and prettify a bit. I want to look beautiful and desirable, like a she-woman.”

“That’s good. But remember one thing.”

“What, Sir?”

“You are my adjutant. Tomorrow morning, in office, I want my he-woman back in action!”

 

 

VIKRAM KARVE
Copyright © Vikram Karve 
Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 
© vikram karve., all rights reserved. 

Did you like reading this story?
I am sure you will like all the 27 stories in my book  COCKTAIL an anthology of Short Fiction.
To order your COCKTAIL please click any of the links below:
http://www.flipkart.com/cocktail-vikram-karve-short-stories-book-8191091844?affid=nme
http://www.indiaplaza.in/cocktail-vikram-karve/books/9788191091847.htm
http://www.apkpublishers.com/books/short-stories/cocktail-by-vikram-karve.html
COCKTAIL ebook
If you prefer reading ebooks on Kindle or your ebook reader, please order Cocktail E-book by clicking the links below:
AMAZON
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005MGERZ6
SMASHWORDS
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/87925

 

Foodie Book:  Appetite for a Stroll
If your are a Foodie you will like my book of Food Adventures APPETITE FOR A STROLL. Do order a copy from FLIPKART:
http://www.flipkart.com/appetite-stroll-vikram-karve/8190690094-gw23f9mr2o

About Vikram Karve

A creative person with a zest for life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer and blogger. Educated at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School Pune, Vikram has published two books: COCKTAIL a collection of fiction short stories about relationships (2011) and APPETITE FOR A STROLL a book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel and a book of vignettes and an anthology of short fiction. An avid blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories and creative non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories and self help in magazines and published a large number of professional  and academic research papers in journals and edited in-house journals and magazines for many years, before the advent of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse – his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative thoughts.

Vikram Karve Academic and Creative Writing Journal: http://karvediat.blogspot.com
Professional Profile Vikram Karve: http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve
Vikram Karve Facebook Page:  https://www.facebook.com/vikramkarve
Vikram Karve Creative Writing Blog: http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com/blog/posts.htm
Email: vikramwamankarve@gmail.com

      

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

 

 

Posted by Vikram Karve