complaining is better than “gunnysacking”

COMPLAINING IS BETTER THAN GUNNYSACKING

Musings of a Navy Veteran By Vikram Karve 

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PART 1

HOW TO COMPLAIN

If you have a grievance – you must try to resolve that grievance.

And – in order to resolve your grievance – as a first step to mitigation of your grievance – you must make a complaint – so that the concerned persons are aware of your grievance.

Also – you must try and resolve your grievance at the earliest opportunity and not let it fester inside you.

This applies in both workplace relationships and personal relationships – especially in marriage.

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So – if you have a grievance – you must complain.

In many cases the person causing you the grievance may not be aware that his actions are causing you agony.

Your complaint may make him realize his mistake and he may take corrective action.

Complaining is a part of constructive communication in a relationship.

What is the best way to complain…?

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Here is the “Art of Complaining” in a nutshell:

1. Complain to the person who you think is harming you – not to anyone else.

2. Make your complaint immediately – or as soon as possible – when you are alone with the person. Use temperate and courteous language while making the complaint.

3. Keep the complaint private – not public. Avoid complaining in front of others. 

4. Object only to actions – do not make personal attacks. State the specific facts of your grievance.

5. Make only one complaint at a time.

6. Clearly tell the person what you want them to do in order to resolve your grievance.  

7. Most importantly – make the complaint in good faith. Never make threats, desist from using threatening and vindictive language, avoid making comparisons and do not make extraneous, inappropriate, sarcastic comments.

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PART 2

DO YOU “BOTTLE UP” YOUR GRIEVANCES…?

This prompt and direct “one to one” method of complaining is much better than “gossiping” or “gunnysacking”.

For example – if a wife has a grievance against her husband – she should directly complain to her husband – instead of talking to her mother, sister, friends, relatives, in-laws etc.

The same applies in workplace relationships as well.

Never “bottle up” your grievances inside you.

The habit of “bottling up” grievances may result in  “gunnysacking”.

“Gunnysacking” is a metaphor to describe the act of “storing up” grievances acquired in the course of a relationship – rather than resolve them when they first occurred. 

Bottling-Up of grievances (gunnysacking) will cause resentment to build up inside you – and – it will slowly make you bitter and vindictive in nature.

One day – the “gunnysack” may “burst” – and all your bottled resentment may “explode” out – resulting in a major conflict – and – your relationship may be damaged beyond repair.

In order to end this unpleasant topic on a pleasant note – let me tell you a story which metaphorically encapsulates the essence of “gunnysacking”.

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PART 3

“GUNNYSACKING” – a story

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Once upon a time – there was a docile man – who used to work in an office.

He was a very meek and obsequious person

The docile man’s boss was a tyrant and a terrible sadist.

The tyrant boss used to scold, bully and harass the servile and docile man.

The tyrant sadistic boss had made the docile man’s life miserable.

One day – the boss suddenly died of a heart attack.

Just before his funeral – all members of his staff went to pay their last respects to the departed soul.

Suddenly – the docile man picked up a big stone – and – he threw the stone at the dead body of his boss.

Everyone was shocked and surprised at docile man’s strange behaviour.

They asked the docile man why he had behaved in such a despicable and unbecoming manner.

Everyone asked him the reason why he had thrown the stone at the dead body of the boss.

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The docile man calmly explained:

“All these days – I was carrying a stone in my heart. 

Today – I have thrown the stone out…”

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“Stone” is a metaphor for anger and grievances.

The docile man had suppressed his anger and grievances inside his heart (“stones”)

He did not have the guts and courage to complain directly to his sadistic tyrannical boss when his boss was alive.

So – when his cruel boss died – he pulled out the “stones” from his heart – and – he threw the “stones” at his boss.

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PART 4

MORAL OF THE STORY

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Do you carry such “stones” in your heart…?

Is your heart filled with “stones” of bitterness – “stones” of regret – “stones” of ill-will and hate – “stones” of rancor, resentments, acrimony – and – “stones” of vengeance…?

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Remember – you are bearing the burden of all these “stones” that you carry within you.

And – this burden – due to the weight of all the “stones” you carry in your heart – it causes you pain.

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So – there is no point carrying “stones” in your heart – which cause you pain.

Whatever is causing you bitterness inside – get it off your chest – right now – once and for all.

Just throw out all these “stones” right now – forget about them.

And – move on in life with a clean slate.

Once you have thrown out all the “stones” from your heart – once your heart is clean – just experience how light and joyful you feel.

It is true.

The Less “baggage” you carry inside you – the better your journey of life will be in the “outside” world.

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PART 5

CONCLUSION

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IS “GUNNYSACKING” HARMFUL TO RELATIONSHIPS…?

“Gunnysacking”  is like carrying “stones” in your heart.

In the story above – the docile man threw out the “stone” from his heart after his boss had died.

But – just imagine what will happen if your “Gunnysack” of “stones” bursts when the person against whom you bear these resentments is alive – and you “throw” the entire lot of “stones” at your boss or spouse in one go…?

Won’t the relationship be damaged beyond repair…?

You can avoid “gunnysacking” by discussing issues when they happen. You may not always resolve the issues then – but you can learn to agree to disagree.

More than workplace relationships – “gunnysacking” happens in marriages – when you hold on to past issues – hurts, concerns, complaints, resentments, and irritations – until you just can’t stand it anymore. Then you overreact to a minor issue – and this overreaction usually results in you dumping all of the old hurts (“stones”) on your spouse at once – which can cause tremendous hurt to your spouse – and may even cause irreparable damage to your marriage relationship.

You must never bring up past issues if you are losing a present argument – or to “gunnysack” your spouse to make him/her feel guilty for past issues – because not only will the actual issue being discussed get lost in the fray – but “gunnysacking” may trigger defensiveness or even indignation in your spouse.

On a personal note – my wife often resorts to “gunnysacking” during our arguments – trying to make me feel guilty (for my past mistakes) – or – to divert attention from the issue being discussed – but – I avoid falling into her trap – by ending the argument there and then – whenever she tries the “gunnysacking” tactic.

If someone tries to “gunnysack” you – it is best to ignore it.

Never respond to “gunnysacking” by reverse “gunnysacking” – because – things can deteriorate very badly – and may even go out of hand.

Nothing positive is accomplished when “gunnysacking” is used in your relationship.

It is best be in the present and to focus on the issue being discussed.

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Dear Reader:

If and when you have a grievance – why not try to resolve a grievance immediately by articulating the issue when it occurs – or at the first possible instance – as explained in the tips on “How to Complain” in Part 1 of this article…?

Isn’t timely complaining in the present much better than bottling up your grievances inside you and then indulging in vindictive “gunnysacking” much later in the future…?

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VIKRAM KARVE

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Disclaimer:

1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, nooffence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved) 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2019/06/how-to-complain.html

This is an Abridged Version of My Blog Post posted online earlier at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2011/03/do-you-keep-stone-in-your-heart.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/03/dont-carry-stones-in-your-heart-recipe.html  and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2012/07/vengeance-is-mine-how-to-take-revenge.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/03/how-to-take-revenge.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2016/09/do-you-carry-stones-in-your-heart.html  and https://karve.wordpress.com/2019/06/09/gunnysacking/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2020/11/22/complaining-is-better-than-gunnysacking/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2021/05/22/do-you-carry-stones-in-your-heart/ etc.

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.