Humor in Uniform – Rules of Love

Humor in Uniform


A Spoof By Vikram Karve


It was an abrupt end to a promising career.

In the morning – Horny was forced to put in his papers – yes – Horny was forced to resign from the Navy – to “swallow the anchor” – so to speak.

In the afternoon there was a brief farewell party – a drab Pre-Lunch Drinks (PLD) in the Wardroom.

The usual boisterous bonhomie and spirit of camaraderie was conspicuous by its absence – and there was an air of awkwardness in the Wardroom.

The farewell PLD for Horny was a mere formality – to be got over with quickly.

The party was muted low-key affair – without the customary boisterous elbow-bending.

Everyone reluctantly sipped their beer in hushed silence – hoping that time would move fast – and the PLD would be over.

But – time did not move quickly – and they all endured the agonizing moments – as time crawled slowly – while they all waited for the uncomfortable proceedings to end.

No one forced “down the hatch” drinks – and “bottoms up” beers – on the departing guest.

There were no “jolly-good-fellow” hoists – and there were no long winded farewell speeches – just one-line perfunctory speeches for the sake of formality.

Typically – a PLD was a jolly affair full of joie de vivre – cheer and beer – both flowed freely.

Normally – the happy high-spirited copious beer-drinking continued for hours together – till evening – and on occasions – the boisterous revelry turned into a full-fledged drunken orgy – late into the night.

But – this PLD finished off within an hour – and everyone heaved a sigh of relief that the embarrassment was over.

All the Ship’s Officers – they all shook hands with Horny – wished him good-luck in the “civvy-street” – and they all went home – or to their cabins – to hit the sack – and to enjoy what was left of the “make-and-mend” – on the hot Wednesday afternoon.

Only Snotty stayed back – and helped Horny pack his bags.

Then – he sent a sailor to get a taxi – and – when the taxi arrived alongside the ship at the jetty – Snotty picked up Horny’s bags and accompanied him to the gangway.

A sailor picked up Horny’s bags – and he put them into the boot of the taxi.

Horny stood at the gangway – expressionless.

Horny did not betray his emotions – but kept gazing in a vacant manner at the taxi.

Horny turned around and smiled at Snotty and the gangway duty staff.

Then – Horny lifted himself to his full height – he stood ramrod straight with chest out.

Horny saluted for the last time – “swallowed the anchor” – and then – Horny marched ashore across the gangway into the “civvy-street” forever.

Snotty felt sad to see Horny go away.

Horny had been his mentor – and Snotty admired him as a role model in the art of seamanship.

Though Horny was his boss – he had always treated Snotty like a younger brother – with benevolence and patience.

Horny was firm, yet compassionate – he was loved and revered by the men he commanded.

Horny ran a happy department – and Snotty had learnt so much from him.

Snotty had really liked Horny – and he was sorry that such a promising career had been abruptly cut short in such a cruel and unjust manner.

Snotty went down to the Ship’s Wardroom – and he sat down for lunch at the Dining Table.

In order to enjoy good food – one has to be in the right mood – and that is why the delicious food which looked so good on the table – the food turned tasteless in Snotty’s mouth.

“What’s wrong, Snotty…?” asked the PMC – who was nicknamed “Sea Dog”.

The PMC was an in-living Officer – so – he was having lunch on board ship – while the married officers had gone home for Lunch after the PLD.

As is customary – the PMC was sitting at the head of the table.

“Nothing, Sir. It’s about Horny…” Snotty answered.

“What about Horny…? I know he was your boss. You seem to be very sad to see him go…” the PMC said.

“Yes, Sir. Horny was such a nice guy, Sir – and he was so good at his job.”

“I know. I was his training officer on the cadet ship. Horny was an outstanding cadet and a superb officer. He would have reached the very top – but for this thing…”

“It’s totally unfair, Sir – and a very harsh punishment – an abrupt end to a promising career – just because of one small indiscretion.”

“One small indiscretion…? You call it one small indiscretion…? You know what he did – don’t you…?”

“Well – Horny was having an affair with Salty’s wife – that’s all…”

“That’s all…? Do you know how serious the matter is…?”

“Sir – if two people want to have consensual sex – what’s the problem…?”

“What’s the problem…? You are asking me what’s the problem…? Well – my dear friend – let me explain. Horny was married – and so was Salty. And – Horny was having an illicit relationship with Salty’s wife. It’s called adultery. Do you understand…?” the PMC said.

“Sir – it is a personal matter between them and their wives. What has it got to do with our job…? Why has Horny been sacked…?” Snotty asked.

“That may so be in the “civvy street” – but here in the Navy – we follow a code of conduct. “Stealing the affection” of a brother officer’s wife is strictly taboo. Such affairs are strictly forbidden. In the Navy – if you are feeling so damn frustrated – you can go and sow your wild oats elsewhere – but you don’t steal the affections of a brother officer’s wife… ” the PMC said.

“Stealing affection of a brother officer’s wife…?”

“Yes. Stealing the affection of a brother officer’s wife is just not allowed. It is considered an act of moral turpitude – conduct unbecoming of an officer – and conduct prejudicial to good order and naval discipline. That is why Horny was thrown out. Do you understand…?”

“Yes, Sir.”


“Sir, I have a small doubt…?”

“What doubt…?”

“You can’t steal the affection of a brother officer’s wife because it is an act of moral turpitude…?”

“That’s right. It is immoral to steal the affections of your brother officer’s wife…”

“You can’t steal the affection of a brother officer because it is illegal. That is what they told us at the Academy…”

“Of course it is illegal. You cannot “steal the affection” of a “Brother Officer”. Buggery is unlawful. Those bygone seafaring days of the “Rum Bum Lash” Navy are long since over…” the PMC said.

“Sir – please tell me one thing…”


“You cannot steal the affection of a “Brother Officer’s Wife” because it is “immoral”…”


“You cannot steal the affection of a “Brother Officer” because it is unlawful”…”


“Then – why is it permitted to steal the affection of your “Sister Officer”…?”

“Stealing the affections of a “Sister Officer”…? What are you talking about…?” the PMC asked Snotty.

“Sir – nowadays we have Lady Officers in the Navy…”


“If Male Officers are like our “Brothers” – then – Women Officers are like our “Sisters”. Isn’t that true, Sir…?” Snotty asked the PMC.

“That’s right – Lady Officers are indeed your Sister Officers. And – that is exactly how you must treat them…” the PMC said.

“If you steal the affections of your sister – does that not amount to “incest”…?” Snotty asked the PMC.

Incest…? What are you trying to say…?”

“Sir – tell me – are you allowed to marry your sister…?”

“No. Of course not…” the PMC said.

Snotty asked the PMC:

“Then why are male officers being permitted to marry female officers…?

Why are Brother Officers stealing the affections of Sister Officers – and even marrying them. 

Isn’t it funny, Sir…? 

Today she is your “Sister” officer – and tomorrow – she becomes your Wife… 

“What’s your point…?” the PMC asked Snotty.

“It is all very confusing to me, Sir…”

“Confusing…? What is confusing…?” the PMC said.

Snotty looked at the PMC and said:

“You can steal the affection of your “sister officer” – you can even marry your “sister officer” – that is allowed.

Also – “sister officers” can steal the affections of their “brother officers” – and even marry them – that is permitted.

But Sir – please tell me: 

If “incestuous” relationships between “brother officers” and “sister officers” are considered okay – then – why make such a big hullabaloo if you “steal the affection” of a “brother officer’s wife”…?”

“Very interesting question. I think I will have to ask my wife to answer your question…” the PMC said.

“Your wife…? I thought you were a bachelor, Sir…” Snotty said, surprised.

“And why is that…?” the PMC said.

“Because you are “in-living”, Sir. If you are married – why do you live like a bachelor on board the ship…? Why don’t you live with your wife in married accommodation…?”

“Well – my wife is posted to New Delhi. So – at present – I am a “Married Bachelor”. That is why I am “in-living”…” the PMC said.

“Oh…” Snotty said, “Sorry, Sir. I didn’t know…”

“And – by the way – you will be interested to know – my wife is a “Sister Officer” – in your parlance…” the PMC said.

“What…? Sir…? Your wife is a “Sister Officer”…?”

“Yes – my wife is a Lady Naval Officer. She is a “Sister” Navy Officer. So – it looks like I am involved in an “Incestuous Relationship” – as you put it so succinctly…”

“Sir – I didn’t know. I am sorry – Sir – I am very sorry … ”

“No. No. Dear Snotty. Why are you feeling sorry…? On the contrary – it is I – who should feel sorry. Yes – I should feel sorry. After all – I am guilty of “stealing the affection” of a “Sister Officer” – isn’t it…?” the PMC said, breaking into laughter.


Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.


  1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

Link to my source blog post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve:

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

This story was written by me Vikram Karve around 8 years ago in the year 2012 and posted online by me a number of times including at urls: and and and and  and  etc

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