Twitter Sweethearts = Tweethearts

PROLOGUE

Dear Reader:

Suppose a stranger says to you:

“My wife loves you…”

What will you do…?

Well – I don’t know what I will do – since no one has said that to me – as yet.

Now – Dear Reader – tell me:

What will you do – if a stranger says to you:

“My wife hates you….”

It happened to me a few days ago.

Let me tell you about it.

TWEETHEARTS 

Fiction Short Story By Vikram Karve  

PART 1

I was sitting in happy solitude on a comfortable sofa in a cosy corner of the spacious bar of my elite club enjoying a whisky-soda and tweeting on my smartphone.

It was 7 PM – the bar had just opened – and I was the only person in the bar (besides the barman).

A young gentleman walked in.

He ordered a drink at the bar.

While his drink was being prepared – he looked in my direction.

He seemed to be looking at me intently – as if he knew me.

But – I did not recognise him.

The gentleman picked up his drink – and he walked towards me.

The young gentleman said to me: “Good Evening, Sir…”

“Good Evening…” I said, “please sit down…”

The young gentleman said “Thank You, Sir” – and he sat down opposite me.

Then – he looked at me and said: “Sir – by any chance – are you…?” (He mentioned my name)

“Yes…” I said, “that is my name…”

The young gentleman introduced himself.

I didn’t recall ever meeting him.

In fact – I had never heard of him before.

So – I said to him: “I am sorry – but – I really don’t recognize you. Have we met before…?”

“No, Sir – we haven’t met before – but – my wife knows you…” he said.

“Your wife knows me…?” I said, curious.

“Yes, Sir. In fact – my wife hates you….” the young man said.

I was taken aback.

I recovered from the surprise and I said to the man: “Your wife “hates” me…? How can you say that…? I don’t think I know your wife – or you…”

“Of course, you know my wife…” the man said, “her twitter handle is @XXX…”

I recognised the twitter handle he mentioned at once – @XXX – it was that nasty “anonymous” troll who made rude, provocative and acrimonious comments on my tweets.

From the tone of the tweets – I had guessed that @XXX was probably an obnoxious woman – but then – it could have been a depraved man hiding behind that anonymous handle @XXX – which seemed “gender neutral” – in fact – it was a rather inanimate sounding handle.

(Dear Reader: For obvious reasons – I don’t want to reveal her actual Twitter Handle – so – I am calling the Twitter handle @XXX…)

I looked at the man – and I said to him: “Oh…! So – @XXX is your wife…! I thought@XXX is a fake handle who is trolling me…”

“Trolling…?”

“Yes – this @XXX – who you say is your wife – I am having a “Twitter Battle” with her right now – she made some nasty comments on my tweet – so – I was rebutting…” I said.

“Sir – her twitter “handle” may be “anonymous” – a pseudonym – but she is very much real…” he said.

“Yes – you told me – @XXX is your wife…” I said.

“Sir – I recognized you at once – from your photo on your Twitter Profile. You reveal everything on your profile – your picture – your bio – everything is genuine – but – she has an anonymous profile – a misleading bio…” he said.

“Oh, Yes. And – for her Display Picture (DP) – she had a picture of a crab – then changed it to a scorpion – and now – it is a deadly snake – a menacing cobra with its hood open – she likes to have very vicious and aggressive DPs indeed…” I said.

I heard the sound of a Twitter notification.

I picked my smartphone and looked at the screen.

It was a tweet from @XXX.

As usual – the tweet from @XXX was a spiteful tweet – accusing me of “running away from the “battle” like a coward…”

I looked at the man and I said to him: “I was talking to you – so – I didn’t tweet for a while – and – your wife – @XXX – she has made a rather disparaging tweet against me…”

“Yes, Sir – I see it here…” the man said looking at his smartphone.

“You see her tweet…?” I said, surprised.

“Sir – I follow both of you on Twitter…” he said.

“Oh – so you are on Twitter too…!” I said.

“Yes, Sir – I am on Twitter – but I am mostly “passive” – I just read tweets. And Sir – please don’t ask me my “Twitter Handle” – I want to remain totally anonymous – for obvious reasons…” he said.

“Oh, Yes. In your case – I can understand. But your wife – there are no restrictions on her – so – why does she want to remain anonymous on Twitter – what is she afraid of…?” I said.

Suddenly – a thought came to my mind – so – I said to the man: “Don’t tell me that she is also an officer in the…”

“No, No, Sir…” the man said, “she is a civilian. She works here – in Mumbai – and I get posted all over the place – we have a long-distance marriage…”

“Oh – No Wonder – I remember I had posted a story about a “Long Distance Marriage” – and she – @XXX – your wife – she went “rabid” – tweeting such nasty comments…” I said.

“I know, Sir – I read your story – and her tweets too – she has very strong views on this subject – Yes, Sir – she is quite opinionated…” he said.

“Opinionated…? That’s an understatement. I think she is extremely rigid, prejudiced and dogmatic on some issues – almost fanatical. And – very hot-headed too…” I said.

“Yes, Sir…” he smiled, “hot-headed and obstinate. Who knows that better than me…!”

“I have one problem with her. Disagreeing with my views is fine – but – there is no need to get personal. Sometimes – she insults me very badly – she calls me all sorts of things – “bigoted” – “chauvinist” – “hypocrite” – all sorts of terrible slurs…!” I said.

“I know, Sir…” he said, “I have seen those “hateful” tweets. I have advised her – but she won’t listen…”

“If she “hates” me so much – why doesn’t she block me…?” I said.

“Why don’t you ask her…?” he said.

“Is she here…?” I asked, surprised.

“Yes, Sir – she is sitting by the seaside – tweeting away. She just had a “Twitter Battle” with you. Now – it must be with someone else. She “fights” multiple Twitter Battles…”

“Like a multi-front war…?”

“Yes…” he said, “but I think she “enjoys” the “Twitter Battles” with you the most – she gets totally “hyper” when she interacts with you…”

“Really…?”

“Yes, Sir. For her – on Twitter – you are “Enemy No. 1” – and you are probably the only one who engages her 24/7…”

“Yes. I am on Twitter all my waking hours…” I said.

“The worst is at night…” he said.

“At night…?”

“Yes, Sir – late at night – when we are in bed – instead of making love to me – she is engaged in “Twitter Battles” with you…”

“Oh…” I said.

“Sir – our married life is ruined because of your “Twitter Battles” – especially the “bouts” which extend late into the night…” he said.

“Oh – I really didn’t imagine…” I said, feeling contrite.

“Sir, just last night – when we were in bed – and I was in a “romantic” mood – she suddenly saw your tweet saying that military wives should be either homemakers or teachers – and she went “bonkers” – berserk with anger…” he said.

“I know – it was quite an acrimonious exchange of tweets…” I said.

“Sir, it lasted all night – your “twitter battle” was still going on when I woke up at 2 AM for a glass of water…” he said.

“I know…” I said, “I got quite carried away “battling” it out with her. She lost the argument – so – as usual she started making personal comments on me – “You are the biggest hypocrite I have seen – a man of double standards…” – “You try to show that you are a feminist. But actually – you are a misogynist…” – and – when I tried to make amends – she accused me of “talking down” to her in a condescending manner…”

“I know, Sir…” he said, “I saw the exchange of tweets in the morning…”

I finished the remains of my drink.

I saw that his glass was empty too.

“Let’s have a refill…” I said to him, “What’s your drink…? Whisky-Soda…?”

“No. No. Sir – let’s go out – my wife must be wondering why I am taking so long…” he said, “I’ll order drinks for all of us and tell the barman to send them to the seaside…”

“To be frank – I’d rather not meet your wife…” I said.

“Come on, Sir – don’t you want to meet your “Tweetheart” …?” he said, with a mischievous smile.

“Tweetheart…!!!” I said, “are you crazy…?”

“Sir – I am curious to see what happens when you two come face to face for the first time…” he said.

“You want to see me getting beaten up…?” I said, “seeing how violently she hates me – I am sure she will ferociously attack me the moment she sees me. Remember – she knows how I look – I have my latest Photo as my Display Picture on my Twitter Profile…”

“Don’t worry, Sir – I am there with you. Please come, Sir – I want the two of you to meet and talk – for my sake…” he insisted, “I want a “truce” between you two…”

“Truce…? You mean a “Twitter Truce” – do you…?

“Yes, Sir…”

“It’s easy…” I said, “I told you before. You just tell her to “block” me – or – at least – she can “unfollow” me…”

“That’s not possible, Sir. She is “addicted” to you…” he said.

“Addicted…?”

“Yes, Sir. And – I am sure you are “addicted” to her too – because you too haven’t unfollowed or blocked her despite all those insulting tweets she has tweeted against you…” he said, “Sir – people are addicted to “love” – you two are addicted to “hate” – a “violent” relationship – where people enjoy being nasty to each other. You are addicted to hating each other – you enjoy hurting each other – it’s like an online version of BDSM…”

“What…? “Online BDSM”…? Are you crazy…?”

“Sorry, Sir – I just wanted to say that you hate each other so much…”

“Well – I don’t hate her – it is she who spews venom at me…” I said, “at least till now – she is doing it offline on Twitter. But – if she sees me in person – she may even “bite” me viciously with all her “venom” – remember – her latest DP is a poisonous cobra snake…!”

“Sir – please come and meet her – I assure you that you will be absolutely safe…” he said.

“Okay…” I said, “since you are guaranteeing my safety – let’s go and meet your wife…”

And so – I walked along with the young gentleman – towards the seaside promenade – and I steeled myself for the encounter with my Twitter “nemesis” – @XXX – my “Tweetheart” (as her husband had jokingly called her).

PART 2 

We – the young gentleman and I – we walked towards the seaside – and – I saw her – my “Twitter Enemy” – @XXX – for the first time in my life.

I had expected @XXX to be a “feminist” type “shrew”.

But – what I saw before me totally staggered me – it really shook me up and it made me feel uneasy.

She was the most intimidating woman I had ever seen – very tough looking – and she was looking at me in a curious manner – as we walked towards her.

Surely – she must have recognized me – from my photo on my Twitter Profile – and – she must be wondering what I was doing with her husband.

We – @XXX and I – we had just had a vicious “Twitter Battle” – and – she had sent me some really nasty tweets – to which I had responded “appropriately” – resulting in quite an acrimonious situation.

I was terrified should she convert her online “Twitter” anger into offline real-life fury.

She was the most tough looking “macho woman” I had ever seen – a “masculine” female – a “He-Woman” – a “She-Male” – well – I really can’t find words to describe her – but I am sure you have got an idea how formidable she looked.

Yes – she looked like a “body builder” – her arms were as big as my thighs – and – I was sure that she could easily knock me out with one punch and beat me to pulp.

Yes – this Macho “He-Woman” could easily pulverize me.

I could see that the “Macho Woman” was looking at me curiously.

I trembled with fear – like a lamb being taken to the slaughter.

The young gentleman pointed to the “He-Woman” and he said to me: “Sir – please meet“YYY” – my course-mate from the academy…”

Taken aback – I said to him: “So – this not your wife…?”

“Of course not, Sir – I told you that my wife is a civilian…” he said.

“Where is you wife…?” I asked him.

“She is over there – sitting on the parapet by the seaside – tweeting…” the “Macho-Woman” said – pointing towards the promenade.

“I’ll get her…” the young gentleman said – and he walked towards the promenade.

I looked at the “Macho-Woman” – feeling relieved that she was not my “Twitter Enemy”@XXX

“Macho-Woman” smiled at me and said: “Sir – I am posted to Mumbai – so – I had called my course-mate and his wife to the club…”

I smiled at her.

She smiled back at me.

Then – she said: “Ah – there they come…”

I looked towards the sea.

The young gentleman and his wife @XXX emerged from the darkness.

Light from the overhead floodlight fell on their faces.

I looked at my “Twitter Enemy” @XXX.

When I saw her face – I was rendered speechless with awe.

I had never imagined that @XXX would look so lovely – so dainty and delicate.

She was an exquisite beauty – with flawless fair complexion – her luxuriant black hair flowing down her back – her sharp features accentuated by the light falling on her face – her nose slightly turned up, so slender and translucent – as though accustomed to smelling nothing but perfumes.

Yes – she really looked lovely.

I had never seen anyone so beautiful, so virginal, and so vulnerable.

She was truly gorgeous.

I could not take my eyes off her.

The young gentleman’s voice interrupted my trance.

“Sir – your “Tweetheart” @XXX – my wife Menaka…” he said.

“Menaka”…!!! The name suited her perfectly. She indeed looked like an “Apsara” – a celestial beauty.

The young gentleman – Menaka’s husband – he said to me: “And, of course – Sir – you need no introduction – I am sure Menaka has your profile picture and “bio” etched in her mind…”

I smiled at Menaka – she smiled back – not a genuine smile – but a smile of forced geniality.

She didn’t seem quite happy to see me.

“Sir – why don’t you join us for dinner…?” the young gentleman said to me.

I looked at Menaka – aka – Twitter Handle @XXX.

I could clearly see the message in her eyes – she was signalling me “NO”.

So – I said to the young gentleman: “Thank you so much – but – I have to get back to Pune – my wife will be waiting for me – I had told her that I would be back home by midnight…”

“Sir – are you going to drive all the way to Pune at night…” he asked.

“No. No. I have hired a taxi – I had sent the driver to have dinner – he should be back by now…” I said.

“Oh…” he said, “so you have come on a day’s visit to Mumbai…?”

“Yes…” I said, “I had some work in Ballard Estate in the afternoon – and – I came to the club to pick up my renewed membership cards – and after that – I decided to have a drink in the bar – and I was so lucky to meet you…” I said.

“And – your “Tweetheart”…” he joked.

“Yes…” I said, “it was pure serendipity…”

I looked at all of them – and said “Goodbye”.

The young gentleman and his course-mate (the “Macho-Woman) – both wished me “Goodbye” – but – Menaka didn’t say anything – but – I could see relief in her eyes that I was going away.

I turned – and I walked towards the car park.

PART 3

My Taxi was waiting for me.

As we drove towards Pune – I thought about my encounter with Menaka – who I earlier knew only as Twitter Handle @XXX

I felt angry at the way she had snubbed me.

I wondered how a person who was so horrible on Twitter could be so delicate in real life.

What a contrast between her online and offline persona – like Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.

Suddenly – there was a notification sound on my smartphone.

@XXX (aka Menaka) – she had sent me a Private Message on Twitter – what they call Direct Message or “DM” in Twitter Parlance.

[NB: Twitter TimeLine (TL) is public – the Tweets and Comments can be seen my all. Twitter Direct Message (DM) is private – the DMs between the two persons can be seen only by the two persons involved…]

“Hi – it was good meeting you. BTW – you look even more handsome than your profile picture…” Menaka had messaged me.

I was taken aback.

This was the first time I had received a DM from @XXX (aka Menaka).

Till now – it was only acrimonious comments on my Twitter Timeline (TL).

I replied to her DM – Menaka replied too – and then – we had a Private Twitter Conversation.

Here is the gist of the “DM” conversation between Menaka and Me.

Menaka: Hi – it was good meeting you. BTW – you look even more handsome than your profile picture.

Me: Thank you. But – I never imagined you would look so “najuk”…

Menaka: “Najuk”…?

Me: You look so “Dainty and Delicate” – so lovely…

Menaka: You mistook my husband’s “Macho-Woman” course-mate for me – isn’t it…?

Me: Yes. The way you are aggressive on Twitter – I thought you would be one of those intimidating “masculine” women – but you are so feminine…

Menaka: It’s good you didn’t stay for dinner…

Me: How could I – after the way you looked at me – clearly telling me not to stay for dinner…

Menaka: I didn’t want you to stay of dinner.

Me: But why…?

Menaka: My husband would have found out…

Me: Found out what…?

Menaka: That we are in love with each other…!!!

Me: What…?

Menaka: Aren’t you in love with me…?

Me: I don’t know…

Menaka: Of course, you are in love with me – I knew all along – the way you engage with me on Twitter – and now – I saw it in your eyes…

Me: Maybe…

Menaka: You are in love with me. I am in love with you. We are in love with each other. Accept it.

Me: I am married.

Menaka: So am I.

Me: I am double your age – maybe even more…

Menaka: That doesn’t matter…

Me: You have such a nice husband…

Menaka: But I don’t love him the way I love you…

Me: But why…?

Menaka: I am demisexual…?

Me: “Demisexual…?”

Menaka: I need a strong emotional connection to be attracted to someone…

Me: “Strong Emotional Connection”…?

Menaka: Like we have on Twitter.

Me: But we “hate” each other on Twitter.

Menaka: That doesn’t matter – it’s the “emotional connect” that matters…

Me: I am confused…

Menaka: BTW – you are “demisexual” too…

Me: Really…? Now you have totally confused me…

Menaka: Let me explain it to you – what “demisexuality” means – why we are in love with each other…

And then – Dear Reader – we (@XXX aka Menaka and Me) – we had a long DM conversation on Twitter – and in the end – I was convinced that both of us were indeed “demisexual” – and we were truly in love with each other.

So – it was the beginning of a beautiful Twitter relationship – an eternal relationship – a unique stimulating “dual” relationship – which continues till today – and will continue forever.

On Twitter TL – we spew “hate” at each other.

On Twitter DM – we make “love” to each other.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This article is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved) 

Part 1 of this story written by me Vikram Karve posted in my blogs at urls: https://karvediat.blogspot.com/2019/08/twitter-warriors.html  and  https://karve.wordpress.com/2019/08/30/twitter-warriors-a-story-part-1/ and Parts 1 and 2 at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2019/08/twitter-warriors-parts-1-and-2.html and  https://karvediat.blogspot.com/2019/08/twitter-warriors-parts-1-and-2_30.html  and  https://karve.wordpress.com/2019/08/30/twitter-warriors-parts-1-and-2-unfinished-story/

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

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