Archive for September 18th, 2018

Humor in Military Medicine – Part 4 – The “SIQ” Specialist

September 18, 2018

You may have heard of many “specialisations” in medicine. 

But – have you heard of an “SIQ” Specialist Doctor…? 

In Military Parlance: 

SIQ is the acronym for Sick in Quarters 

Here is the hilarious story of the “SIQ” Specialist Medical Officer. 

This happened long ago – more almost 34 years ago – in the mid 1980’s – in IAT Pune (now renamed MILIT/DIAT Deemed University).

Read on – have a laugh – and think about it… 

HUMOR IN MILITARY MEDICINE SERIES – PART 4

Continued from Part 1 “Doc Daneekas” in Uniform 

url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/09/18/humor-in-military-medicine-part-1-doc-daneekas-in-uniform/

and Part 2 “Dentists” in Uniform 

url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/09/18/humor-in-military-medicine-part-2-dentists-in-uniform/

and Part 3 “Second Opinion” or “Cut Practice”
url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/09/18/humor-in-military-medicine-part-3-second-opinion-cut-practice/

THE SIQ MEDICAL OFFICER
A Spoof
By
VIKRAM KARVE 

A newly posted Navy Officer took his 3 year old daughter to the IAT Pune “MI Room”.

MI Room” stands for “Medical Inspection Room” – that’s what they call a Military Medical Healthcare Clinic in the Army and the Air Force. 

In the Navy – “MI Room” is called “Sick Bay”.

Those days there was a Lady Doctor – a Major of the Army Medical Corps (AMC) – posted to IAT Pune as the Medical Officer.

A Navy Officer had taken his 3 year old daughter to the IAT Pune “MI Room” – because the Naval Officer’s small daughter had severe “Loose Motions” (Diarrhoea).

Since it was a Wednesday – he was in “civvies” (civilian clothes).

The moment he entered the Lady Doctor’s office-cum-clinic – the Army Lady Doctor – the Lady Medical Officer – she looked up at my friend’s face.

Then – the Lady Medical Officer shouted at the Naval Officer:

“Why are you coming here and disturbing me…?

How many days SIQ (Sick in Quarters) do you want…?

Just go to the office and tell the medical attendant how many days SIQ you want.

He will fill it up in the “SIQ slip” – and – you can take the “SIQ slip” from there.

I have already signed and kept blank “SIQ slips” over there in the office…”

The stunned Naval Officer told the Lady Army Medical Officer:

“Nothing is wrong with me.

I am perfectly fit for duties.

I don’t want SIQ…” 

The Army Lady Doctor yelled at the Naval Officer:

“You don’t want SIQ…? 

Then why have you come here to the “MI Room”…?”

The Naval Officer pointed to his 3 year old daughter – and – he said to the Army Lady Doctor:

“My daughter has got “Loose Motions”…”

The Lady Army Medical Officer looked down from the Naval Officer’s face to his tiny daughter.

The small girl was holding her father’s hand and was standing below him.

Suddenly – the Lady Medical Officer got excited – and – she said:

“Oh My God – “Loose Motions” can be very serious – especially in children.

You must take your daughter to the Military Hospital (MH) immediately.

I will call the Ambulance and fill up her Hospital Admission Form.

You rush and take your daughter to the Military Hospital Khadakwasla – or – better still – you take her to Command Hospital (CH) Pune. 

I am sure there will be some Child Specialists over there.”

Accordingly – the Naval Officer took his daughter to the Pediatrician in Command Hospital Pune.

The Pediatrician examined the small girl.

Then – the Pediatrician said to the Naval Officer:

“Why did you bring your small daughter all the way to Command Hospital for a simple case of “Diarrhoea”…?

Your Unit Medical Officer could have treated this easily.”

A few days later – at a party – the Army Lady Doctor tried to rationalize her actions.

She said to the Naval Officer:

“You look so young that I thought that you were a “Student Officer”– I did not realise that you are a “Staff Officer” on the Navy Directing Staff. 

I am sorry – but – since you were in “civvies”– I mistook you for an Army Course Officer.

You see – most of the Army Officers have come to IAT Pune for a Training Course after a hectic field posting.

They consider IAT as an Rest and Recreation (R&R) posting – a good opportunity for Rest and Recreation at this salubrious laid back place.

The Officers want to relax over here with their Families and enjoy this peace tenure.

So – they mostly come to the “MI Room” for “SIQ slips” – because – once I declare them SIQ (Sick in Quarters) – they can relax at home and spend “Quality Time” with their families…”

We nicknamed the Army Lady Doctor in Uniform as:

“SIQ Quack  – or – more charitably – the “SIQ” Medical Officer.

EPILOGUE

Well – I cannot comment on her medical skills.

But – we noticed that “SIQ” Medical Officer was running the IAT Healthcare System like clockwork – in a most efficient way – that would have done “Doc Daneeka” proud.

Any Officer reporting to the “MI Room” was promptly given 3 days “SIQ” – and told to take rest at home.

And – if an Officer protested that he was genuinely ill – he would be rushed to the Military Hospital in an Ambulance.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved) 

Link to my source post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2017/06/humor-in-military-medicine-siq-medical.html

Extract from My Story Earlier Posted by me Vikram Karve in my Academic and Creative Writing Journal Blog on 05 February 2014.

Posted by Vikram Karve at 2/05/2014 03:37:00 PM at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/02/doc-daneeka-in-uniform-hilarious.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/02/humor-in-uniform-siq-fauji-lady-doctor.html  and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/08/humor-in-uniform-my-hilarious_82.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/quack-in-uniform-siq.html

Humor in Military Medicine – Part 3 – “Second Opinion” – “Cut Practice”

September 18, 2018

Here is the third story in my series on Humor in Military Medicine – “Second Opinion” or “Cut Practice” 

Continued from Part 1 “Doc Daneekas” in Uniform 

url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/09/18/humor-in-military-medicine-part-1-doc-daneekas-in-uniform/

and Part 2 “Dentists” in Uniform 

url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/09/18/humor-in-military-medicine-part-2-dentists-in-uniform/

HUMOR IN UNIFORM 

[NB: The generic Hindustani word “Fauj” refers to all arms of the Military (Army, Navy, Air Force) – so – the term “Fauji” or “Soldier” refers to all Military Personnel in Uniform of the Army, Navy and Air Force (Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen) – and the term “Faujan” refers to all Military Wives)]

My Hilarious Encounters with “Fauji” Doctors

“SECOND OPINION” or “CUT PRACTICE”

A Spoof By VIKRAM KARVE 

THE “FAUJI MEDICAL OFFICER 

This happened more than 33 years ago – in the mid 1980’s – at IAT Girinagar Pune.

I had newly arrived in station.

Those days – IAT was an inter-service training establishment comprising Army, Navy and Air Force Personnel – but – it was run in typical “Army Style”.

During my evening walk – I saw a crowd of young student officers and families sitting on the lawns of the house of our Unit Medical Officer (MO).

Seeing the crowd – I thought that our Unit Medical Officer (Doctor) was having a party.

“So – Doc is having a party – is it…?” I shouted to them.

“No Sir. We have not come here for a party. We are waiting to see the doctor for medical treatment…” they said.

I was impressed.

I had thought that our Unit Medical Officer (Unit MO) was a typical “fauji” doctor.

Most Army Medical Officers followed strict timings and rules.

You had to visit the Medical Inspection Room (MI Room)/Clinic/Sickbay when you were sick (even if you were seriously ill)

This was because “fauji” doctors did not make house calls – nor did they entertain patients at their home.

That is why I was impressed to see so many patients at the “Fauji” Doctor’s home.

It was evident that he was such a good doctor – that patients were going to his house in the evening for consultation and treatment.

And – our Unit Medical Officer (Unit MO) – he seemed so compassionate, sincere and devoted to medicine – that he had started an “Evening OPD” at home for their convenience.

Thoroughly impressed by the dedication of the “Unit MO” – I said to the officers:

“That’s great. I did not know that our “Unit MO” sees patients at home…”

A student officer said to me:

“Sir – we have not come to see the “Unit MO”. 

He is a “Quack” – a useless “good-for-nothing doctor”. 

We have come to see his wife. 

She is an excellent doctor who works in “XXX Hospital” – the best hospital in Pune. 

In the evening – she does her “private practice” here at her home – and everyone comes to consult her. 

Of course – she charges quite a lot of money as “consultation fee” – but then – she is a really good doctor…”

I was stunned to hear this.

But – after a few days – I realised that the student officer was right.

A young Naval Officer told me a story a few days later which proved that the “fauji” doctor’s wife was a good doctor – yes – she was a really good doctor.

Let me tell you the story.

MEDICAL CATEGORY SCARE

Once – the young Naval Officer got a strange cough.

During his morning run – in the expansive picturesque campus – he would suddenly get a spasm of cough – so severe – that it was almost like a convulsion.

He would sit down – terminate his run – walk home – and drink water – and take rest.

For the rest of the day – he would be okay.

These fits of cough happened only in the mornings during his runs – and – while jogging in the open.

The Naval Officer reported to the Unit Medical Officer (MO) (the “fauji” doctor) in the MI Room.

On hearing the symptoms – without even physically examining the officer – the Army Unit MO immediately concluded that it was “Asthma”.

And – the Unit MO referred the Officer to the “Specialist” at the Military Command Hospital (CH) Pune.

The Naval Officer was due for his “sea time” – immediately after the course.

His fellow Naval Officers scared the shit out of the officer – by putting all sorts of fears in his mind.

They told him that – if he went to the Specialist for Asthma – he would be subjected to all sorts of tests and examinations – and – the Specialists at Military Hospital would surely downgrade his “Medical Category”.

Now – if his Medical Category was downgraded – that would be the end of his “sea time” – and – as a consequence – his Navy Career would be badly affected.

All Fellow Officers and their Wives wife advised the “Asthma Afflicted Officer” to see the “fauji” doctor’s wife (the civilian lady doctor who practiced at home).

They all told the “Asthma Afflicted Officer” – that – before he “surrendered” himself to the “Fauji” Specialist Doctors at the Military Hospital – it would be better if he took a “second opinion” from the civilian doctor wife our unit “fauji” doctor – since she was a good doctor.

Of course – though she charged a hefty “consultation fee” – it would be worth it in the long run – rather than let the Military “Specialist” Doctors ruin his career by “awarding” him a “Medical Category”.

(In the Military – some Doctors are more adept at “awarding” Medical Categories rather than medically treating “fauji” patients…)

THE “FAUJI” DOCTOR’S WIFE

In the evening – the worried “Asthma Afflicted Officer” went to see the “fauji” doctor’s wife.

The doctor’s wife – the civilian lady doctor – she heard him out – she examined him thoroughly – and – she said to the officer:

“Don’t worry – it is not asthma – it is just a seasonal allergy due to pollen from the “congress grass” which is abundant on the campus. This allergy happens to some people in spring. Just stop your morning runs for a month or two. Don’t go out in the open in the mornings. You will be okay. Once it is summer – you can start your morning outdoor exercise and running again.”

“Any medicines – any treatment…?” the officer asked.

“Nothing. There is no need for any medicines…” said the “fauji” doctor’s wife (the civilian lady doctor) – and then – she advised the officer, “if you want – you can just add some Gavati Chaha  गवती  चाहा (lemon grass) to boiling water when you make tea in the morning – it will act as a “placebo” – there are plenty of Gavati Chaha bushes growing wild in the campus.”

Within a few days – the officer’s cough disappeared.

And soon – the moment the season changed to summer – the officer was absolutely fit and fine – and – he started his morning runs again.

Of course – the Naval Officer scrupulously avoided going to the unit MO in the MI Room – during the remaining part of his course.

And – at the end of the course – fit and fine – he went for his “sea time”.

AFTERTHOUGHT 

In the civilian world – I  have heard stories of doctors referring their patients to fellow doctors – for a “cut” or “commission” – known as “cut practice

So – in hindsight – I wonder:

Was the “fauji” doctor much smarter than we thought…?

Was he “faking it” when he created a perception that he was clueless about medicine…?

By giving a “medical category scare” to all his “fauji” patients – was his “ulterior motive” to boost the private practice of his civilian doctor wife…?

Was the Unit MO “fauji” doctor indulging in “cut practice”…?

Ha Ha – I sometimes wonder – if – in the medical world:

Is “Second Opinion” an euphemism for “Cut Practice”…?

Dear Reader – what do you feel…?

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. 2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (All Rights Reserved)

Link to my source post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: http://karvediat.blogspot.com/2017/10/doctor-in-uniform-second-opinion-or-cut.html

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

This Story was written by me Vikram Karve in April 2014 and First Posted Online by me Vikram Karve at4/11/2014 12:43:00 PM in  my blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/04/humor-in-uniform-fauji-doctor-and-his.html  and later I posted this story online a number of times including at urls:   http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/08/humor-in-uniform-my-hilarious_18.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/05/humor-in-uniform-second-opinion.html andhttp://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/08/humor-in-uniform-fauji-doctors-wife.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/humor-in-uniform-fauji-doctors-wife.html etc

Humor in Military Medicine – Part 2 – “Dentists” in Uniform

September 18, 2018

In my previous blog post I told you about “Doctors” in Uniform 

Now – here is a spoof on “Dentists” in Uniform 

Continued from Part 1 “Doc Daneekas” in Uniform url: https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/09/18/humor-in-military-medicine-part-1-doc-daneekas-in-uniform/

“DENTISTS” in UNIFORM 

Dental Memories of a Navy Veteran

A Fictional Spoof By VIKRAM KARVE  

Disclaimer:  This is a humorous spoof – satire – so read this story only if you have a “sense of humor”

“Dentists” in Uniform – Memories of My Navy Days

A few years ago – after I had retired from the Navy – a fellow Navy Veteran learnt that I was visiting a Civilian Dentist for dental treatment – so – he asked me: “Why are you going to a Civilian Dentist…?”

“It’s convenient…” I said.

“But – if you go to a Civilian Dentist – you have to pay from your own pocket. If you go to ECHS (Ex-Servicemen’s Contributory Health Scheme) – they will send you to a Military Dentist – and – you can get your dental treatment done “free of cost”…” the Navy Veteran said.

“The Civilian Dentist is located near my home – whereas the ECHS Clinic is quite far away – and – the Military Dental Centre is even further – but – convenience is not the only factor – that main reason is that – I like this particular Dentist – I am comfortable with him. In the Military – I cannot choose my Dentist – I will have to go to whomsoever Military Dentist they send me to – whether he is good or not – and – there is no continuity – next time – they may send me to someone else – especially if the earlier Dentist is posted out…”

“But if you go to a Military Dentist – it is free. If you go to a Civilian Dentist – you have to pay…”

“At my age – as a Retired Senior Citizen – for me – my comfort is more important than money…” I said to my fellow Navy Veteran, “and – let me tell you one more reason – the Civilian Dentist is trying his best to restore some of my teeth which were ruined by Military Dentists…”

Dear Reader – before I tell you about the Military Dentists who ruined some of my teeth (or removed them) – let me begin on a positive note – and – let me tell you about the best Military Dentist I came across during my long Navy Career.

Actually – she was wearing Navy Uniform at that time – but then – like all Military Doctors belong to the Army Medical Corps (AMC) – all Military Dentists belong to the Army Dental Corps (ADC) – and – just like Military Doctors are called Medical Officers – Military Dentists are called Dental Officers.

This happened around 15 years ago – when I was appointed in the premier Naval Dockyard at Mumbai.

One afternoon – while having lunch – one tooth chipped off and broke.

This hapless tooth had been “worked-on” by a Military Dentist long ago during an Annual Medical Examination (AME)

Dear Reader – let me digress a bit – and – tell you that – during the AME – we were sent to the Unit Dental Officer to get our teeth examined.

Most Dental Officers delegated this task to their Dental Assistants – called DORA (Dental Operating Room Assistants) in the Navy.

However – some “Eager–Beaver” Dentists who were keen to “hone their skills” by extensive “Hands-On” experience – would personally examine and “treat” every Officer who came for the Annual Medical Examination (AME).

I remember one such “enthusiastic” Military Dentist who probably wanted to become the best “Root Canal Therapist” in the world.

Since uniformed personnel have no choice to select their doctor/dentist – they have to visit their Unit Dentist for Dental Examination/Treatment.

Luckily (for him) – this passionate “Root Canal Therapist” was posted to a prestigious Military Training Academy – and – he was the one and only Dental Officer posted in this huge establishment with a large number of military cadets and staff under his “dental jurisdiction”

This opportunity provided this aspiring “Root Canal Therapist” plenty of “Guinea-Pigs” on whom he could experiment and hone his dental skills before he quit the Army and started a lucrative dental practice in “Civvy Street”

So – he ruthlessly “root-canalled” everyone who entered his dental clinic – and – sadly – I was one of his early “victims” when he “root-canalled” two of my teeth in quick succession when I reported for my Annual Medical Examination.

Both my teeth were ruined.

Later – one of these “experimentally root-canalled” teeth was extracted by another Military Dentist who was aspiring to be an “Extraction Specialist”.

Fortunately – the other tooth was restored by a Civilian Dentist who painstakingly performed a “re-root-canal” – and – it was only then that I realized that Root Canal Therapy was an intricate procedure involving multiple sittings – not the “shoot and scoot” type done on me earlier.

(Military Dentists are lucky – they have plenty of opportunity to “experiment” on hapless gullible “Faujis” – unlike Civilian Dentists – who run the risk of being put out of business – in case their “dental experiments” start going wrong – yes – just a few “mishaps” can affect a dentist’s reputation/practice in the highly competitive field of dental practice in the civilian world)

Coming back to Military Dentists – like “Root-Canalists” and “Extractors” – I came across a few “Drillers and Fillers” and “Cappers and Crowners” too.

Ha Ha – Yes – like the Corps of Engineers has “Sappers and Miners” – in the Army Dental Corps – we have “Cappers and Crowners” and “Drillers and Fillers”…

Maybe – it was a few of these “super-specialists” who seemed to have “worked on” the tooth which had now chipped and broken.

Anyway – I rushed to the Naval Dockyard Dental Centre with the broken tooth-piece in my hand.

There – I had expected to see the Surgeon Commander (D) who was the Officer-in-Charge (OIC) of the Dental Centre – who I feared would probably extract the damaged tooth (since he was famous as an “Extractor”…)

But instead of him – there was a pretty young girl in Naval Uniform wearing Two Stripes with Crimson in-between (a Surgeon Lieutenant)

(In the Navy – for Medical Officers – the term “Surgeon” is prefixed before the Rank – and – for Dental Officers – in addition to the prefix “Surgeon” – there is a suffix (D) in brackets)

Seeing the surprise on my face – the young Lady Surgeon Lieutenant (D) said to me: Sir – the OIC had to suddenly go on leave…”

“Oh…”

“Sir – I am officiating as the OIC Dental Centre now…”

“Have you come on Temporary Duty…?”

“No, Sir – I just reported yesterday – they have appointed me as Deputy OIC. So – Sir – today is my first day at work as a dentist…”

I had no choice but to submit myself the young dentist.

I explained my predicament and showed her my piece of tooth which had chipped off and broken.

She asked me to get onto the dental chair and she examined my damaged tooth.

“Are you going to extract the tooth…?” I asked her, fearfully.

“No, No, Sir – we will save the tooth…” she said – and – she began working on my damaged tooth.

While she was treating my tooth – she kept on talking to me – giving a “running commentary” explaining what she was doing.

Normally – I feel terrified when I sit in a dental chair – but – her “running commentary” had a soothing effect on me.

Though she was young – she was extremely dexterous and skillful – and – she repaired and restored my damaged tooth very well.

Then – she checked all my teeth – and she said to me:

“Sir – I think two more of your teeth need a bit of restoration – the fillings seem to be coming off…”

Impressed by her proficiency – I asked her:

“When can you give me an appointment…?”

Yhe young Lady Surgeon Lieutenant (D) said to me:

“Sir – you can come anytime – preferably in the afternoons…”

I got those two teeth fixed “ship-shape” by her that week itself.

I was so impressed by the young Lady Surgeon Lieutenant (D) – by her gentle dexterity and her professional skill – that I profusely praised her everywhere – even during our weekly meeting chaired by our boss.

“If the new Lady Dental Officer is really as good as you say – I must get my teeth fixed by her too…” he said.

“Yes, Sir…” I said, “She is a really good dentist – not like our “Extractor”…”

“That’s why I avoid going to the Dental Centre – all the bugger does is to extract teeth at the slightest opportunity. I have to go “out-of-station” this week – and – I will get my teeth fixed by the new Lady Dental Officer next week…” the boss said.

Sadly – he was too late.

When the boss reported to the Dental Centre – the Surgeon Commander (D) had reported back from leave and assumed duties as OIC

And – the young Lady Surgeon Lieutenant (D) was relegated back to her position as Deputy OIC.

Now – in the military – seniority is sacrosanct.

Yes – in the military – everything depends on seniority – even competence.

So – ipso facto – it is assumed that the Senior is more professionally competent that the Junior (though facts may be otherwise).

Therefore – the senior Surgeon Commander (D) – the “Extractor” – attended to Officers – whereas – the junior Lady Surgeon Lieutenant (D) – the “Restorer” – had to take care of Sailors.

So – when the boss – who was a Senior Officer – reported to the Dental Centre for treatment – he was ushered into the office of the Surgeon Commander (D) (the “Extractor)

The boss pleaded that he would like to be treated by the young “Restorer” Surgeon Lieutenant (D) – but the “Extractor” Surgeon Commander (D) refused to listen – and he said to the boss:

“Sir – you are a very Senior Officer – how can I hand you over to that young inexperienced Dentist…? She is only a Lieutenant – meant for junior ranks.  Sir – I will personally treat you myself…”

In the Military – the moment you enter a Clinic/Hospital – the Doctor’s word is final.

So – the boss had no option but to submit himself to the “Extractor”.

One hour later – the boss emerged from the Dental Centre with one tooth less – and – of course – the mandatory One Day “SIQ” (Sick-in-Quarter) Chit in his hand.

Yes – in the Defence Services – visiting a Military Dental Centre is like playing “Roulette”

If you are lucky – you may get a “Restorer”

But – if you are not that lucky – you may land up with someone else – a “Driller and Filler” – a “Capper and Crowner” – a “Root-Canaller” – an “Extractor”– or maybe – an even more deadly “super-specialist”…

Also – when you are in military uniform – you have no choice – and – you have to report to the assigned Military Dental Centre if you have a dental problem (and for your Annual Dental Examination) and surrender yourself to whichever dentist they send you to.

At least – after retirement – you can choose your own dentist – if you are willing to pay for it.

Dear Reader: Hope you enjoyed this story. Have you read Part 1 of this series on Military Medicine DOCTORS IN UNIFORM…? 

Here is the url link -> https://karve.wordpress.com/2018/09/18/humor-in-military-medicine-part-1-doc-daneekas-in-uniform/

To Be Continued – Next Story coming up soon in Humor in Military Medicine – Part 3…

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Link to my source post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve: https://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/05/dentists-in-uniform-memories-of-my-navy.html

This is a repost of my article “DENTISTS” in UNIFORM posted online by me earlier at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/dentists-in-uniform-humor-in-military.html  and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/01/21/dentists-in-uniform-humor-in-military-medicine/  and https://www.quora.com/profile/Vikram-Karve/Writing-by-VIKRAM-KARVE/Military-Humor-%E2%80%93-%E2%80%9CDoctors%E2%80%9D-in-Uniform?srid=5Hkq  andhttps://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/03/happy-national-dentists-day-to-all.html etc

Humor in Military Medicine – Part 1 – “Doc Daneekas” in Uniform

September 18, 2018

When anyone asks me about life in the Armed Forces (the Army – the Navy – or – the Air Force) – I tell them to read the famous World War 2 Novel CATCH-22 by Joseph Heller.

If you have served in the Defence Services – in all probability – you would have read Catch-22 – and even if you have not read it – you would have experienced the essence of Catch-22.

Are you are a motivated youngster who intends joining the Army, Navy or Air Force…?

I suggest you read the book Catch-22 – so that you will be well prepared for the inimitable characters and unique situations you will encounter during your military service.

In CATCH-22 – there is a character called Doc Daneeka – a Medical Officer or MO (as Military Doctors are called). 

Through the actions of “Doc Daneeka” – the author describes the essence of “Military Medicine” – albeit in satirical style. 

This reminds me of a spoof I wrote a few years ago on the subject… 

Humor in Uniform

MILITARY MEDICINE (Military Style Health Care) 

DOCTORS IN UNIFORM

A Fictional Spoof By Vikram Karve

“DOC DANEEKA” STYLE MILITARY HEALTHCARE

When anyone asks me about life in the Armed Forces (the Army, the Navy, or, the Air Force) – I tell them to read the famous World War II Novel CATCH-22 by Joseph Heller.

If you have served in the Defence Services – in all probability – you would have read Catch-22 – and even if you have not read it – you would have experienced the essence of Catch-22.

Are you are a motivated youngster who intends joining the Army, Navy or Air Force…?

I suggest you read Catch-22 – so that you will be well prepared for the inimitable characters and unique situations you will encounter during your military service.

In CATCH-22 there is a character called Doc Daneeka – a Medical Officer or MO (as military doctors are called).

His style of diagnosis and treatment is simple.

In fact – Doc Daneeka has succeeded in elevating medicine to an exact science.

Doc Daneeka fully delegates diagnosis and treatment to his assistants – two soldiers called “Gus” and “Wes”

These two soldiers run the healthcare system in the military unit on their own with so much efficiency – that Doc Daneeka is left with nothing to do – which is fine with him – since he hates medical practice anyway.

The modus operandi of the Military Healthcare System is as follows:

All “patients” (who report on sick parade) have a thermometer shoved into their mouths and have their temperature taken.

  1. Those with body temperatures above 102 degrees Fahrenheit are rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.
  1. Those having temperatures below 102 degrees Fahrenheit have their gums and throats painted with gentian violet (throat paint) and are given a dose of laxative to clear their stomachs and digestive systems.
  1. Those who have a temperature of exactly 102 degrees Fahrenheit are told to come after one hour to have their temperature taken again so that the line of treatment could be decided as follows:

(a) Temperature more than 102 – rush to hospital

(b) Temperature less than 102 – throat paint + laxative to clear digestive system

  1. After one hour –if a patient’s temperature is still 102 – he is asked to keep reporting to the clinic every one hour – till his temperature either goes above 102 – or his temperature comes down below 102 – so that he could be treated accordingly – as per option 1 or option 2 above. 

During my long service in the Navy – and in inter-service establishments – I came across many such “Doc Daneeka” style Doctors in the Military.

You cannot escape these “Doc Daneeka” types even after retirement – since they pursue you in the ECHS too.

“DOC DANEEKA” STYLE HEALTH-CARE IN THE ECHS (EX-SERVICEMEN’S CONTRIBUTORY HEALTH SCHEME)

I have observed another “Doc Daneeka” technique – used sometimes by the ECHS in its clinics – since it works better when dealing with ageing old retired veteran senior citizen ex-servicemen (who are considered a nuisance).

There is a saying:

“Time is a great healer”

The essence of this ECHS technique is to make the patients wait indefinitely in the crowded waiting room of the clinic – and let “time” do the “healing”.

On reporting to the ECHS clinic – the hapless old-aged frail unwell senior citizen ex-serviceman is made to stand in a long queue – and then he is given a chit.

Of course – before this – they try to get rid of the veteran by raking up some issue about his ECHS Card – and – the hapless veteran is sent on a “wild goose paperwork chase” and put in a “red-tape spin”.

But – if the veteran is lucky – then the sick old man is made to wait indefinitely – for a long time – in a congested jam-packed waiting hall.

Five things can happen to the patient – a sick and ailing old man – while he waits at the ECHS clinic:

  1. The patient drops dead.

In this case – no further treatment is required at the clinic

  1. The patient faints – he becomes unconscious –or he goes into a delirium – as he becomes seriously ill.

In this case – he is rushed to the nearest Military Hospital

  1. The patient gets fed up of waiting at the ECHS Clinic – so – he goes to the nearest private clinic for treatment for which he has to pay from his own pocket.

The ECHS view is that though ECHS contribution is forcibly deducted and membership of the healthcare scheme is mandatory – it is the patient’s personal choice whether to avail ECHS treatment – or to go to a private medical practitioner – so ECHS is quite happy if the Military Veteran goes elsewhere for medical treatment – thereby – reducing the load on ECHS.

  1. If the military veteran patient persists in waiting at the ECHS clinic – he is got rid off by referring him to an “empanelled”civilian hospital

If you wonder what happens to the sick military veteran patient when he is referred to an empanelled civilian hospital – well – the horror stories could easily fill a huge tome – and more.

  1. Well – there can be a happy experience too – for the military veteran patient who perseveres in waiting for many hours at the ECHS clinic. 

The patient actually starts feeling well during the waiting period – the sick veteran is cured by the long relaxed wait.

After all – rest is the best cure for many illnesses – and – time is a great healer. 

Now – since he has become well – the veteran does not need any medical treatment at the ECHS Clinic – so he can go away happy – after spending a leisurely relaxed day at the ECHS clinic. 

Dear Military Veteran: Do visit an ECHS clinic and tell us whether you see the “Doc Daneekas” around – and their style of treatment of patients.

THE DOC DANEEKA PRINCIPLE 

Make Patients Disappear 

(Ultimate Goal = Zero Patients)

Remember – the cardinal “Doc Daneeka Principle” is to make patients disappear and realize your ultimate goal of a “Zero Patient” situation.

And – in this direction – I think the ECHS is trying hard by introducing more and more “hurdles” like increasing red-tape and paperwork – introducing hassles like repeated renewal of cards etc – locating clinics in inaccessible distant places – and trying its best to make patients go elsewhere to seek medical treatment – so that soon – ECHS achieves its ultimate goal of “zero patients”

By the way – it was also a “Doc Daneeka” type masterstroke by the Armed Forces in the 1980s – when – the Defence Services abdicated responsibility for post-retirement healthcare of their own veteran retired ex-servicemen by creating a new organisation called ECHS – and they effectively passed the buck of post-retirement healthcare to ECHS.

A “DOC DANEEKA” PEDIATRICIAN IN UNIFORM

STORY OF THE CHILD-SPECIALIST WHO “HATED” CHILDREN  

There are many excellent doctors and brilliant specialists in uniform – but most of the professionally outstanding “fauji” medical officers are posted at VIP Military Hospitals in New Delhi and in large stations like Mumbai, Kolkata, Pune, Bangalore etc where abundant medical facilities already exisit in civilian hospitals.

There are many first-rate doctors posted in smaller units also.

So – by and large – there may be more “Doc Daneekas” in smaller units/ships – but – if you observe carefully – you can spot a few “Doc Daneekas” in big military hospitals too – like – the pediatrician who hated children.

Yes – a pediatrician is a child-specialist – and is supposed to like children – but this child-specialist hated children.

This happened long back – when my kids were small – in Vizag – when I came across this unique “Doc Daneeka in Uniform” Pediatrician – a Navy Lady Doctor in Uniform – a child-specialist who hated children.

Yes – believe it not – she was a Pediatrician who hated children.

This Child-Specialist “Fauji” Doctor was unmarried – she had no experience of handling children – and worse – she hated children.

This “child-hater” Pediatrician was a “Doc Daneeka in Uniform” specimen of a different kind.

Her tactic was to avoid seeing children (who she hated).

She insisted on proper “paper work” – and – she would not see sick children unless you had got a “referral” through proper channel.

If anyone took their child/baby to her directly – she would scream and create a scene – and – shout at the hapless parents to follow proper procedure – and get a proper referral from their unit/ship doctor or general OPD.

The result was that – due to all these hassles and delays – the parents of sick children took their children to civilian doctors (paying from their pockets).

So – hardly any “children-patients” reached the “child-hater” Pediatrician – and she was having a relaxed tenure.

AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE 

A “FAUJI” DOCTOR WHO WAS NOT A “DOC DANEEKA IN UNIFORM

Luckily – we had a Command Medical Officer (a Surgeon Commodore) – who was an exception to the rule – he was certainly not a “Doc Daneeka” in Uniform – in fact – he was a genuine Doctor in Uniform.

Ths Surgeon Commodore – the Command Medical Officer (CMO) – was himself a renowned pediatrician – an outstanding child-specialist – and he loved children.

Yes – he was a Pediatrician who loved children – unlike the young lady “child-hater” Pediatrician in the Naval Hospital.

Now – Command Medical Officer (CMO) was a staff appointment – so his job was to push files in Headquarters.

Had he been a typical “Doc Daneeka” in Uniform – he would have preferred to do paperwork rather than treat patients – but – the CMO was a genuine doctor who wanted to practice medicine.

He opened a “Child OPD” in his office in Command Headquarters – and – we all used to take our children to him for treatment.

However – even this magnanimous act of the CMO had no effect on the shameless “Doc Daneeka” in Uniform child-hater lady pediatrician – who seemed to be quite happy at the turn of events – since now – everyone took their children to the CMO – so the lady “Doc Daneeka” child-hater child-specialist had to see no “children-patients” – whom she hated anyway.

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY “DOC DANEEKAS IN UNIFORM…?

In order to understand why there are so many “Doc Daneekas” in Uniform – let me give you a simple illustrative example.

Suppose there a two surgeons.

The first surgeon does 100 surgeries per month.

The second surgeon does only 10 surgeries per month.

In Private Practice – it is obvious that the first surgeon (who does more surgical operations) will earn more money – and the surgeon who performs more surgeries will also progress faster up the ladder of professional success and fame.

In case of “Fauji” Doctors – it does not matter – because – whether you do 100 surgeries per month – or – 10 surgeries a month – or – even if you do “zero” surgeries per month – you will get a fixed monthly pay as per your rank and seniority.

Also – promotion is by seniority – so you have to wait in the queue for your turn to come – irrespective of your merit and work performance.

If someone has joined service before you – he is ahead of you in the queue – and so – he will get promoted before you.

So – a “Fauji” Doctor sitting in Headquarters pushing files will get the same pay as his batchmate who is slogging it out treating patients in a Military Hospital.

And – seniority matters more than professional competence.

So – in case the File Pushing White-Collar Babu “Fauji” Doctor has joined the Army Medical Corps earlier – he will be senior in service to the Professional “Fauji” Doctor.

So – the “White-Collar” Babu “Fauji” Doctor doing administrative work will be promoted earlier than the Professional “Fauji” Doctor who is actually practicing medicine in the field – in accordance with the sacrosanct principle of seniority.

So – maybe – it is the “system” – which creates so many “Doc Daneekas” in Uniform.

I am sure you have read about some of my hilarious encounters with these “Doc Daneeka” style “Fauji” Doctors in my blog – of course – I will tell you some more from time to time.

Now – Dear Reader – let me ask you the moot question:

If you are thinking of studying medicine – would you like to be a “Doc Daneeka” in Uniform…?

Ha Ha Ha…!!!

And – Dear Military Veterans – did you encounter any “Doc Daneekas” in Uniform during your Military Service or after your Retirement…?

Yes…?

Do tell us about your experiences.

To Be Continued – Next Story coming up soon in Humor in Military Medicine – Part 2…

VIKRAM KARVE

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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This blog post is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Link to my source posts in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve and Writing Blogs: https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/12/12/humor-in-uniform-military-medicine-made-simple/ and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/01/21/doctors-in-uniform-humor-in-military-medicine-part-1/ and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/12/humor-in-uniform-military-medicine.html

This article (humorous fictional spoof) was written by me Vikram Karve more than 7 years ago in early 2011 and posted online by me Vikram Karve a number of times in my blogs including at urls: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/02/doc-daneeka-in-uniform-hilarious.html  and   http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/08/humor-in-uniform-my-hilarious.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/04/humor-in-uniform-health-care-military.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/08/military-medicine-doctors-in-uniform.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/12/humor-in-uniform-military-medicine.html and https://karve.wordpress.com/2017/01/21/doctors-in-uniform-humor-in-military-medicine-part-1/ etc

The Sunflower Metaphor

September 18, 2018

Sharing a lovely post from a Friends Forum

Sunflowers 🌻 turn according to the position of the sun, in other words, they “chase the light.” You might already know this, but there is another fact that you probably do not know!

Have you ever wondered what happens on cloudy, rainy days when the sun is completely covered by clouds?🤔

This is an interesting question, isn’t it?

Perhaps you think the sunflower withers or turns its head towards the ground. Is this what crossed your mind?

Well, that’s incorrect!

This is what happens?

They turn towards each other to share their energy.🌻🌻

Nature’s perfection is amazing; now let’s apply this reflection to our lives. We all want this light and seek it in different ways: in our family, friends, religion, work and so on. But there are always going to be cloudy days, gloomy days, because there is no escaping them!

When this happens, most people become overwhelmed, low-spirited, and the most vulnerable ones, some-times, become depressed.How about following the example of the beautiful sunflowers 🌻 supporting and em-powering each other. Nature has so much to teach us.

Wishing everyone a “Sun flower”🌻 trait of turning towards each other on their cloudy and gloomy days.

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