The Lady Who Called Me “Neutral”

Humor in and out of Uniform

Sometime ago I was invited to deliver a “Guest Lecture” at a premier inter-service Training Institution where I spent a large part of my career on the faculty.

This reminded me of a few hilarious anecdotes which happened when I was there.

I am going to delve deep into my blog and re-post a few stories for you to read.

Here is the first one…

Why Did She Called Me “Neutral”…?

I saw plenty of humour in uniform.

And – I saw plenty of humour “out of uniform” too, interacting with some delightful “fauji” ladies aka “faujans”.

Here is one such hilarious story from my “Humor in and out of Uniform Archives” – once more – for you to enjoy.

YOU ARE “NEUTRAL” – a Love Story

Unforgettable Vignettes of my Navy Life

A Fictional Spoof By Vikram Karve 

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve:  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/why-did-she-called-me-neutral.html

YOU ARE “NEUTRAL” – a Love Story by Vikram Karve

“You are neutral,” the middle-aged lady with suspiciously black hair said to me.

I was stunned, totally bewildered.

In my life, especially in the Navy – I had been called all sorts of names.

But – no one had ever called me “neutral”.

This happened more than 26 years ago, in 1991.

It was my welcome party at the Officers’ Mess of IAT – an inter-service institution near Pune – to which I had been recently appointed.

The middle-aged lady with suspiciously black hair – a senior officer’s wife – she asked me:

“How many children do you have…?”

“Two. I have two children – a boy and a girl…” I said.

Hearing this – she remarked:

“You are “NEUTRAL”…” 

“Neutral…” I said, flabbergasted.

On seeing my puzzled look – she elaborated on her remark.

She pointed to my boss – a Commodore – and she said:

“Look at him. He is so lucky. He has two sons. It is a double lottery. And – look at me. I have two daughters. I am so unlucky. But – you have one son and one daughter – at least you are “neutral” – neither lucky nor unlucky…”

“How does it matter whether you have sons or daughters…?” I asked her.

The senior lady (let us call her “Mrs. G”) explained to me:

“You modern Maharashtrians living in cosmopolitan cities like Pune will not understand. But we come from an upcountry state – and that too – we belong to a business community – and in our community – there is a huge difference between a son and an daughter – and – all this matters a lot. I wish I had at least one son.”

“Then why don’t you have one…?” I said, tongue-in-cheek.

“We tried. We took a third chance. We wanted to have a son. But then – I had some gynaec problems…” she said most candidly.

I was not interested in hearing explicit details of her gynaecological problems – so I politely excused myself – and – I headed towards the bar for some “Whisky-Soda”.

A few days later – during my evening walk – I met Mrs. G – along with her two teenage daughters.

They invited me over for a cup of tea.

As I talked to them – I was mighty impressed by the girls – they were smart, intelligent, poised – and full of social graces.

Any parent would feel proud of such accomplished daughters.

But Mrs. G would keep cribbing, whining and carping about her misfortune of having two daughters.

Two years later – we heard that her elder daughter had secured a merit ranking in the CET – and she was selected for admission for the MBBS course at the premier Medical College in Mumbai.

We went to congratulate Mrs. G on her daughter’s success.

“What congratulations…? I am sunk…” Mrs. G said despondently.

Stunned into silence for a moment – I asked her in amazement:

“What are you saying…? Your daughter is going to become a doctor. Her career – her life – everything is made.”

“That is what I am worried about…” Mrs. G said.

“Worried…?” I asked her.

“Now we will have to find her a “doctor husband” – a “status match” – and do you know what the “going rate” for a doctor is…?” Mrs. G said matter-of-factly.

“What do you mean by “going rate”…? Dowry…? Are you talking about dowry in this world and age…?” I asked, surprised.

Mrs. G gave me an incredulous look – and then irritably – said to me:

“Which world are you living in…? Of course – you city-bred Maharashtrians will never understand – but in our society – if you want a “status match” – it is an expensive affair. That is why I warned my husband not to let her appear for CET. I wanted my daughter to do her BA at Fergusson College or Wadia College. We could have found some nice fauji boy for her – some nice Army, Navy or Air Force officer. Or better still – maybe she would have found some good Maharashtrian boy for herself – and settled down here in Pune – and then – there would be no problem of giving dowry too…!”

“Maybe your beautiful daughter will find some nice Maharashtrian boy in her Medical College…” I said optimistically.

Mrs. G looked at me for some time.

Then her face brightened up and she said to me:

“I hope so. I really hope so. If what you say comes out to be true – I will give you a big treat…”

Her exact words to me in Hindi were:

Agar Aisa Hua – To Tumhare Muh Mein “Ghee Shakkar”  

( अगर ऐसा हुआ तो तुम्हारे मुह में घी शक्कर )

Literally translated – this means:

“If what you say actually happens – then I will put Ghee (clarified butter) and Sugar in your mouth.”

EPILOGUE

By the way – what I had predicted – it did actually happen.

Mrs. G’s accomplished daughter fell in love with a nice Maharashtrian Boy studying in her Medical College.

It was mutual love – the nice Maharashtrian Boy also fell in love with Mrs. G’s daughter.

And – the moment they passed out of college – the two doctors happily tied the knot.

Many years have passed since – but I am still waiting for Mrs. G to put Ghee Shakkar” in my mouth…

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
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© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

Disclaimer:

  1. This story is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
  2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

Link to my original post in my Blog Academic and Creative Writing Journal Vikram Karve:  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2017/01/why-did-she-called-me-neutral.html

This Story Was Written By Me 4 Years Ago Was First Posted Online by me Vikram Karve on 17 September 2013 at 9/17/2013 01:12:00 PM in my blog at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2013/09/you-are-neutral-humour-hilarious-story.html and later re-posted a number of times by me including at url: http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2014/06/humor-in-uniform-senior-lady-who-called.html and http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2015/11/you-are-neutral-love-story.html and  http://karvediat.blogspot.in/2016/02/the-lady-who-called-me-neutral-romance.html

1 Comment »

  1. 1
    Anita Karvir Says:

    Nice !! Good to share smile!!

    Liked by 1 person


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